I have tried but i don't know if i can continue

[Copper Princess]

This is the first time I have tried to be completely honest in therapy and I don't want to do it anymore. Remembering the childhood abuse, the rapes, the boss that made me give him blow jobs and hand jobs, the abusive relationship is all to much for me. I have a journal specifically for therapy and I don't want to write about it anymore, or talk about it any more. I really just want to give up. My chest hurts, my head hurts, I am not sleeping again, I am scared and I don't know why. When I fall asleep I wake up shaky and afraid. I just don't think therapy is helping it is making me worse.

 

[Friday]

My chest hurts, my head hurts, I am not sleeping again, I am scared and I don't know why. When I fall asleep I wake up shaky and afraid. I just don't think therapy is helping it is making me worse.

While bad therapy is worse than no therapy... GOOD trauma therapy = everything is going to get much worse than it was for a time. It's not like most standard therapies where you start feeling better from the very beginning of it onward. Trauma therapy things get worse before they get better. Symptoms increase, management decreases, everything gets worse. Which is a big part of why trauma therapy isn't recommended until a person has their life (& their coping skills) set up in such a way as to be able to absorb the blow of it.

There's really 2 "sweet spots" with trauma therapy... When you have nothing left to lose (and are usually inpatient & being looked after 24/7), and when everything you have to lose is very very well protected against being lost. It can also involve inpatient treatment, but doesn't have to.

It took me a loooooong time to get on board with waiting until my life was stable before starting trauma therapy, but as I've already gotten so symptomatic I've lost everything before? And no matter how bad it is things can always get worse? i finally did come around. Okay, okay, okay. Get everything organized ahead of time. Because once we start ripping into this shit? It's going to get really hard, and really painful, and while we might need to slow down & work on skills from time to time, we're not going to be stopping, but seeing this through. Even if we have to slow waaaaaay down :wtf: Very Churchill, in the whole "When you're going through hell? Keep going!" ... But also very need to be willing to be honest about where I'm at, so that we can slow down, take breaks, add skills, and adapt... Rather than just blundering on ripping open old wounds too fast & without adequate support.

 

[zoie33]

I agree Tempus Fugit. Just this last weekend I have finally uncovered the last pieces of one of my lost childhood abuses and the lost pieces from an abusive relationship as a teenager. It has been coming in bit by bit for about 2 months now and has been a trip through hell. I know there are more cockroaches hiding in the cracks of my brain and I am scared as hell for the next series to come. While it has been torture and a living hell, it is a relief to finally remember and understand one of the sources of all of the screwed up thoughts and beliefs that have been swimming around in my head for almost 50 years. Now that I have knowledge of the entire horror scene I can finally begin to heal from it. I know there will be more to come but I am satisfied for now.

Copper Princess, yes unfortunately it will get worse before it gets better. You will feel like you are losing your mind, and you will want it all to stop NOW. I get this. I can't believe I am saying this and if my T heard me say this he would probably faint. But I am here to tell you that despite how horrible and hopeless you feel now, there is a bottom to the pit. It may be a false bottom but there is a bottom. You will hit it and begin to gain strength and start coming up the other side. You will begin to own the memory and the pain. Blame those that are at fault, and that is NOT YOU no matter how real it may feel. You will begin to heal the wound that is eating away at your soul. Knowledge is power. Knowledge will give you strength. You survived it once, and you can not only survive it but own it and beat it the second time around.

I know I am just beginning and I have such a long journey ahead, but today for the first time in almost 5 months, I left my session feeling good. I have revealed my darkest secrets, my worst shame, and found all of the missing puzzle pieces to some horrible sexually abusive memories. It feels good to have all my cards on the table. Now that my T has all of the pieces of the puzzle, I totally trust that he has the skill to put me back together again. I know that this will take a lot of work on my part and I am willing to do my part. Although I still feel like I am on a one way ticket to crazy town much of the time, I am trying my best to trust and believe in his experience and I am trying my best to change my outlook on the situation so I can release the pain once and for all. I wish everyone could find a T as gentle, caring and knowledgeable as mine. I am so lucky to have found him. I wasn't convinced of that until today, but I am truly grateful.

Keep your head up. When it feels like you can't do it anymore, dig deeper. Trust your inner self. Ask it to help you. Ask your demons for help too. Ask them to give you a little break. You have the power to get through this, you just have to find it. I wish you all the best on your journey.

 

[Enaila]

Copper Princess. I, too, start feeling worse and worse, more anxious and such when I am about to have a big breakthrough. Some of what I am feeling is from trying and trying to avoid then realize it is time to quit fighting and let myself heal. Usually when I feel like I can't continue I find I am at a turning point. Hang in there. The trip through the pain is awful, but peace and healing is on the other side.

 

[barefoot]

To echo what others have said, yes, trauma therapy stirs up a whole lot of difficult stuff so things do tend to get worse before they get better.

I would say hang in there if you can - try to push through.

However, if the aftermath of therapy sessions is having major impact to the point that you have become very destabilised or are now unable to function for day-to-day life, perhaps therapy is going too fast and you are doing too much too soon. It's worth a conversation with your therapist, I think - you may need to take a break, to have some lighter sessions (i.e. not work directly on trauma content every session), to work more on stabilisation, to build up more of a support network beyond therapy, to find more grounding tools to use in and out of therapy sessions, to increase/reduce session frequency...there may be lots of things/adjustments your therapist can suggest to tweak the process and support you differently.

 

[desiderata310]

Yup yup. I usually have to tell my therapist when we are going too fast and doing too much and I'm not able to contain/control successfully outside of therapy. We will have a couple 'light days' talk about bullshit, deal with current LIFE, hell just talk about common interests. Not everything has to be a damn pounding every time you walk in the door otherwise you start to dread therapy in an unhealthy way(does anyone actually look forward to therapy??) and it becomes counter-productive and harmful.

 

[GWhizz]

Sometimes you need a break to reevaluate it all though. I have recently took a break myself because I felt I was beginning to get so lost in the overwhelm of it all. I know it sounds counterintuitive but for once I finally feel I have time to work on me. Not PTSD. Not therapy and all that it brings. Therapy is hard but so bloody important I know. But like work, you want to be at your best to get the most from it and be able to apply yourself. I'm not suggesting you take a break. But maybe a little reprieve. Talk to your T. Maybe they can readjust and slow the pace for a bit. Maybe they see your progress and discussing these feelings right now may bring you more insights from your T on how well you're really doing. I just feel that after the trauma we've suffered, therapy mustn't be tedious and feel like it's re-traumatising and torturous in itself. I hope that you find a way to move through this that is ultimately the best for you long-term. I've learned that there is no forcing and pushing ourselves to hard though. PTSD just doesn't work that way, at least ime.

 

[Copper Princess]

Thanks everyone. I not going to therapy on Tuesday. I am just a mess. I am looking stuff, can't focus, I just want to lay in bed. I can't cry as the only emotion I feel is anger right now. I can't sleep all I want to do is eat junk food. I am going to try to find a way to get myself back to a functional state. Thank you for your support. I appreciate it.

 

[GWhizz]

Big hugs @Copper Princess hope you're doing okay today

 

[Copper Princess]

Big hugs @Copper Princess hope you're doing okay today

Thank you.