I Just Can't Cope

[Kintsugi]

I feel like I'm being tortured ala 1700s, like someone is placing enormous stones on my chest in an effort to get me to crack. It's painful and suffocating.

I rarely hit a depression I can't get my hands around, at least somewhat. I have been having nightmares every night for a couple of months, but regardless, all I want to do is sleep. Everything feels like it's exploding. I have to stay on top of school, which I resent, and it makes me want to drop out, even though I know that really just isn't an option.

I wish I could take some sick time off from work to deal with myself, but I simply can't, because that's exploding too. One of my co-workers just retired, months early, with no warning, and we're already short-staffed and struggling. My manager had me working a hell of a lot this month, so she gave me a week off at the end of March as a present, and I stupidly agreed to go see my mother for a couple of days. She'll be relatively nearby, and she's been begging to see me this Spring. Right now, I don't know how I'm going to do it.

My best friend is going through yet another (life-shattering, totally legitimate) crisis, and I just feel like I'd rather drown myself in a bathtub than force myself to be there for her, because my psychic energy is down to nil.

My home life regarding the dogs is still chaotic, which just adds to the general paralysis I feel every day. I feel like I can't handle anything. Even moving around is a painful idea, unless I'm forced to by work or school.

I woke up today with stronger suicidal ideation than I've felt in over a year. Yesterday it was the same story. I just keep waking up and thinking that I need to disengage. I don't want to be me anymore. I feel like I can't be. The order is too tall. I just want to die in some happy, happy accident.

I know I won't always feel this way, but my life feels so unbearably oppressive right now. This whole adoption thing is really f*cking with my head in a serious way, bringing up all these feelings that are apparently normal, shit no one ever f*cking warns you about. I feel like my T just let me walk right into a wall with no attempt to caution me. And no one but other adoptees seem to understand this feeling. It feels like everything was a lie, like the whole world was rigged against you from the very moment you opened your eyes, only to continue shitting on you throughout life in the family that took me.

The adoption issue adds layers to my trauma. I'm coming to terms with the very very real likelihood that yes, adoptees actually aren't loved the same. I actually do get that. Ever since my family started having babies, it's been obvious who has been prioritized. My parents have been clear about the pecking order: my cousin's wife's daughter is less important, because she isn't related to them, my cousin's kid comes next, then my sister's kid, because that's my parents' "real" granddaughter. My mother has talked to me about this. I've hidden my feelings from myself. I didn't say a word. I didn't say, "Oh, yeah, so if I had a kid, it wouldn't 'really' be yours, huh?" No. I get it. I get it.

But then why did they choose an adopted son over me??? What the f*ck? He's no more related to them than I am. Why wasn't I more important? Why did my mother never show an interest in taking care of her baby/young child if she really wanted me so badly?

I've thought about this for years, but it's really coming to the fore: my parents are serial parents, who grab onto kids to keep each other together and sane and busy as f*ck. When it was apparent I wasn't coming back, they moved in a Chinese student for four years, and their lives were all about her and how great she was. They're like people who always need the newest smartphone, except with them it's children. Always seeking something less tarnished, shinier, better-performing.

I feel like I can no longer be the thing that fulfills everyone else's needs, which is complicating my feelings toward school. I just feel like I have nothing left inside of me that's utilitarian anymore. I'm drowning in my own responsibilities and emotions. I don't know how to continue functioning like nothing's wrong when I just want to die all the time, fantasizing about the obituaries. I want to--but have not--make a plan just to feel the sense of relief that can bring, the peace felt by having some kind of escape route.

I feel truly trapped between worlds. I'm sorry, but the general membership here doesn't understand the adoption piece I'm struggling with. Then again, the adoptee support group I joined doesn't understand PTSD, even when they think they do. This place is far better--better read, more understanding of productive coping mechanisms--but I still feel so so so alone right now. I feel like a snake pinned down at its head, my whole self thrashing wildly around but going nowhere.

The adoption's effect is difficult for me to grapple with intellectually, because it's a preverbal trauma with a capital T, and I know that, I've read about that before, when I first found out about attachment problems and adoption. I also know/feel it's not PTSD-inducing, which is something other adoptees don't understand, claiming they have PTSD when really I think they're just suffering from attachment problems and maybe some personality-disordered traits. But I feel like it really set me up for failure, and then my mother sucked at mitigating that, and then the abuse, and then... here's Simon, waking up and wanting to shoot herself.

This post has gotten crazy long. I just feel like I can't stop. I wish I could just check myself in somewhere, simply to make my life stop and prevent me from my manic digging into adoptee issues. I feel like I'm dealing with the death of my biological mother all over again, how I never got to interact whatsoever, and the later death of my biological father, who I just couldn't handle having a relationship with because he was such a f*cking asshole in the life before I met him, and he had the audacity to touch my face and stare at me and tell me that I was "the most beautiful one." F*ck you and your twisted compliments. You're the one who tried to sell me. And yet now both of them are dead, and I have so many unanswered questions.

I just can't cope. I feel like it's too big. It's too much. There are too many things.

 

[Sandstone]

Yes, you can take time off work. You know the line about "If it was a physical illness you would have no choice" Neither would your manger have a choice. You need this time, literally, as a life saver.

No, you don't have to see your mother. Again, you just cancel saying that you are not well enough.
No, you don't have to support your friend. You can't, so you don't have to.

No, I can't understand the pain from your adoption. I can understand the pain of early attachment problems, and that may be similar, but I won't insult you by claiming to understand, except that yes, I know it intertwines with, precipitates and worsens PTSD.

Yes, there are too many things. Please temporarily dump the ones that you can, so you can focus such energy as you have left on protecting yourself. You are valuable.

 

[scout86]

Before I go any further, I want to be clear that the 'like' is in the moral support and encouragement sense. I don't like the place you find yourself in at ALL. Just can relate to feeling like that sometimes and it sucks. (And sometimes suicide looks pretty good, even if it's not.)

One of the funniest, most annoying, and most useful things my T ever said to me was "You might want to find a better way of thinking about that." He's not one to use terms like 're-frame', although now and then, when I get it right, he'll tell me that's what I'm doing.

I'm not saying, in any way, shape, or form, that your feelings aren't totally legitimate, valid, or reasonable. There````````` might be a question about 'useful', but you've got to decide that for yourself.

In your situation, the first thing I'd do is make a call and said, "Mom, something's come up, I'm not going to be able to make the visit." Been there, done that. No guilt, no remorse. Although, you might remember what I said about my attachment to her in the other thread and that might matter. You can DO that, though. You don't owe her anything you don't want to believe you owe her at this point. Kids don't get to pick their families (mostly). If you like your family and feel you owe them, I think that's great. If you don't? You don't. Once I graduated from high school, I went my own way, asked nothing of them, bothered them never, and didn't feel I owed them a thing. I think that's fair and I sure couldn't fault you, or anyone else, for feeling the same way.

I mentioned in the other thread that I'm not adopted, and I'm not. But some of what you're talking about seems like it happens without adoption too. Other families have kids who are loved and kids who aren't. Other families aren't fair. Other families play favorites and all kinds of other weird games. Maybe, when your 'parents' get to pick you, there should be less of that. Maybe it's more understandable, for example, that my mom didn't want me because she basically got a pig in a poke and didn't know she wasn't going to like the pig until she was stuck with it. Maybe it's easier to see how that could happen in a biological family than it is to see how an adoptive parent could fail to love the child they got to choose. I honestly don't know. What I do know is it happens sometimes that families don't work very well and the people who end up on the bad end of that have to try to deal with the fall out. I know that, whether I want to admit it or not (I don't) it hurts a little to realize my mother didn't love me. Kind of makes me wonder what I did wrong, even though I know there was nothing I could have done.

However you look at that, I think I understand what you're feeling, whether I feel it myself or not. And it makes sense. I think, personally, I grew up thinking, 'If something's wrong here, it's me.' and was pretty ok with that. Then I found out it wasn't actually me, and that's a whole other thing to wrap your mind around. It totally up ends your version of 'reality'. What you family is doing, picking and choosing like that, is WRONG. It just IS! But they're doing it anyway. Which seems.......just plan wrong? But that's where it's at. There are lots of versions of the story. But, in my experience, it takes time and effort to adapt to it. (Still working on that myself.) And, I can definitely see how just the adoption piece of your puzzle would be a challenge, WITHOUT all the rest. Feeling like you can't cope seems pretty reasonable.

I feel like I can no longer be the thing that fulfills everyone else's needs

You shouldn't HAVE to be that. SHOULD NOT. I guess, if you really want to, it's a choice. It's something I tend to do too. In fact, and I'm admitting something I've never said out loud, if I ever get to where I can't work, I'm screwed because I really think the only justification for my existence is what I can do for people. I'm thinking that's something you learn as a child, when you feel like you have no intrinsic value. I'm hoping I can find a better way to look at it, and that you can too. But, as far as I'm concerned, YOU are pretty cool and pretty interesting all by yourself, whether you fulfill anyone's needs or not.

One other thing. (Maybe?) My T has announced that I'm not allowed to ask questions that begin with the word "Why". He relented a little and said I can ask HIM, if I absolutely have to, but I'm not allowed to ask myself that kind of thing. He says, if there's an answer I'm looking for, I need to come up with a better way to ask the question. Most of the time, there isn't an answer to the 'why?' stuff. I can relate to wanting to ask those questions. I do it a lot. But, it's been helpful to try to come up with better ways to ask them. I thought he was just being annoying, but it turned out there's something to it.

I hope the dust settles for you SOON. BTW, it just dawned on me that I had to get physically hurt before I realized that looking out for myself was a legitimate thing. It is. In my experience, a good share of those people who's needs you're trying to fulfill will just move on to someone else, if you're not around. A bunch of them just do that for a living, get their needs met by who ever's available.. It's not only ok to put on your own oxygen mask first, it's the best thing to do. It's also ok. When people think it's not ok? That means there's something wrong with THEM.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

In a frame place of numb and extreme pain, words difficult to communicate to write. Questions of love and how relationships shape us. Sculpted, sculpting… take care of you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I hear how broken you are. I hear that you are running on empty and looking for peace. I hear your exhaustion.

First say no to all of them because you just don't have anything to give. And I know it is so hard, but some serious self care is the order of the day.

Can you take off about six months and get disability or is this not practical.

I am very concerned about you. You are such a wonderful person, you do deserve a break and you do deserve so much good in your life and I am so sorry that you are struggling so hard right now. I wish you some real peace.:hug:

 

[Lionheart]

Nothing much to add except to say that I agree with the replies presented here, especially those of @gizmo ; You ARE a wonderful person and you DO deserve a break!!!

I hope you will allow yourself the right to take the break that you so obviously need.

Sending out healing hugs for you,
Lion

 

[Friday]

You have permission to phone in sick to work. Take a 3 or 4 day weekend, if possible, or any other day of the week as needed. Yes the week at the end of the month is gorgeous, but PTSD & maxing stress levels = sometimes you just need to take a day or three now, to avoid a month or three later.

You have permission to reschedule (or even cancel :eek:, no really, for true... Either reschedule or cancel) with your mom. Whatever best works with your family politics; right now this moment, to give her lead time; or at the very last minute, to forestall guilt trips. ((I WISH I could remember her name, but there is this Jewish comedian who was a sex worker who talks about her days as a dominatrix. Mistress Yenta. "CALL me... Purr ...Or. You know. I'll just sit here. In. the. dark. Alone. " <<< This gets me through dealing with my own mother sooooo many, so, so, so many times. It's funny, because it's true :hilarious: :arghh; :banghead:))

You have permission to take a snowday from school. Do something completely fun, silly, no-thinking-required, totally-different-thinking-required, whatever you wish, as you please, all day long. Including any school work that strikes you as "I wanna!". Your day. As you please. Also to take sanity-checks as needed. The rests are as important in music as the notes. No matter how up tempo, there need to be rests, or it's just noise.

You have permission to set your phone to automatic answer, &/or just shut it off. "Ho, this is Simon, I'm sick today and shutting off my phone, leave me a message and I'll get back to you after I turn it back on tomorrow or the next day. I plan on sleeping myself out, please do not knock or ring bell. If you've already done so and are calling me from my doorstep, all is forgiven, will talk with you later." (Okay, Ho was an autocorrect, but I like it. :D )

(Unless you have trauma associations with Finding Nemo ) : You have permission to find out how little Squirt does, flying solo. You get to be Dude Crush & let others handle their own emergencies & challenges to the best of their ability, and be totally proud of them for doing so. I know. Trust. :wtf: Trust your friends to take care of themselves. It's not abandoning them. It doesn't mean you don't love them. It doesn't mean when you're needed, and not just wanted, that you won't still be there, for them. And it doesn't mean you won't still be wanted. It's an exercise in trust. I know. Those suck. But if you love your friend, they've earned the right to maaaaaybe seeing if you can trust them, yeah?

You are ordered to take care of yourself :P I know. I'm being bossy. I'm also serious.

I do NOT want to see 'Fallen Carryatid Under Her Stone' as a self portrait of you, Chica.

 

[Kintsugi]

I'm very (comfortingly) overwhelmed by all of the compassionate responses here. I'd like to respond more, but for now I'll just say everyone's words mean a lot. It means so much to me that there are people here who really care.

 

[ButterflyBean]

I, too, love all the compassionate responses above. I'm going to keep this very simple because I think sometimes, simplicity is all that matters. I wanted to reach out and thank you for reaching out to us; the feeling is mutual. You are entitled to all of your feelings, no matter what they are. You have permission to just breathe and be however, whatever you need to be in the moment; we are here for you!

 

[joeylittle]

@Simply Simon - I'm sorry you are hurting. I want to be one of many voices saying - you're right, the adoption stuff is super specific, and it sounds very much like a conundrum that has to be lived to be understood. But hopefully you can hear the folks here saying that you are 10000% worthy of validation, of love, of care. Your adoptive parents' actions and attitudes are theirs to own. You didn't cause any of their dysfunction. And I agree with scout about trying to avoid the 'why' questions.

Thinking of you, sending love.

 

[Ronin]

I'm damned late as usual, but Simie?

You hang in there, yes? Everybody can wait. You first. You alive & the wellest possible for the moment, first.

 

[Kintsugi]

The Universe gave me a very generous gift this morning. My early class has been cancelled, which will allow me to hide from the world for at least the morning and afternoon before my night class. I'm thankful. I needed something like this to happen.

Taking time off from work just isn't in the cards for me. I just can't do it. I just need to hang on until next week. It's so close. I can't let down my fellow co-workers. There is no such thing where I work as people being out without a replacement. We deliver 24/7 care at a non-negotiable ratio of caregivers to people who need the support. I have to work. Our house is already falling apart under all sorts of staffing problems. Shit hit the fan there recently due to a hospitalization of a client, which has brought (ridiculous) threats of suing and all sorts of insane demands to double down on staff presence. We're all scrambling to accommodate said insane demands as best as we possibly can. It's just absolutely bonkers over there.

I wish I could just not go to class tonight, but I just can't. I've already missed a night class (which counts as two sessions) because of being at the vet with Annie, and I've been so out of sorts this semester that I really need to prove I'm a committed student, because I've had an uh-oh moment in each one of my classes already. Nothing I can't do damage control for, but appearances are everything, and students who always show up for class are treated with far more compassion should something go wrong with their work.

I know taking time for myself and turning down stressors I don't need are just basic self-care moves, but I'm just so mired in my own despair right now that any action, even the kind that would help, feels like too much to deal with executing. That sounds totally backward, but the truth is, canceling on things requires more initiative than I feel I even possess. It's like I feel if I just go through the motions, just count to three and walk through the fire, if I can just hold onto myself and make it through, it will all be okay, even if it hurts in the process.

Besides, even if I freed myself up, ostensibly for the important business of self-care, I know I would just bury myself deeper in obsessively digging for answers and information. I'm like the worst kind of addict. I can't stop myself. I fill every vacant moment of my life these days trying to wrap my head around my newfound sense of grief and anger over adoption and its mechanisms and lies. I'm finally understanding the real root reasons that my T and I are forever talking about my relationship with my mother instead of my "actual" trauma. I'm remembering all of the times throughout my childhood when I realized that adoption wasn't normal or when it distressed me and then dutifully buried those feelings as deeply as possible, because adoptees are forever told that adoption is a non-issue. Babies can simply be interchanged between parents when they're young, and it doesn't matter to them. How do people get away with peddling such bullshit to children who are made to feel they have no right to be anything but happy and grateful?

If all of these glorified, supposedly altruistically-motivated (news flash: people who are desperate for children and cannot have them are not agenda-free) ideas about adoption didn't exist, if people didn't somehow successfully market the idea that it's a WONDERFUL situation to take a baby from its mother after birth and give it away in its entirety--severing its identity, history, hiding any information whatsoever about its genetic or cultural heritage--to strangers... sure, I would have probably had a shitty life. I would have been poor and without resources and I would now have two dead parents instead of two dead and two alive. But the entire circumstance of my early trauma wouldn't exist! My brother, an adoptee, was raped by a foster child, and he went on to abuse me for years.

The first time I poked into the effects of adoption on kids, my brother had "adoptee stereotype" written all over him: the lashing out, constant dissatisfaction, control issues, perpetually needing evermore attention, reassurance, being incredibly manipulative, jealous... the list just goes on. Being raped obviously didn't help him. Me? I have stereotypes too, the freakish obedience, constant mistrust/suspicion/feeling compelled to be secretive and clandestine, fearing "rocking the boat," perfectionistic tendencies... again, it goes on and on. The fact is, I think my entire childhood was a perfect storm, and the underlying current that carried it to that place was the idea that children were exchangeable and would be "just fine" and "normal" etc.

If I weren't so pissed off I wouldn't be able to get out of bed at all.