I Just Don't Fit In, Not Even Here

[James B.]

I know the problem. I know it very well. I call it my personal social invisibility, it has always been there, for my whole life, in the real life like in the virtual. That's how I built up my 'new me' some years ago. It works quite well most of the time but still... My core keeps broken and hurting because it still recognizes what really happens. Because it really happens, objectively.

Yes, it really happens objectively. Thanks Cthulhu.

 

[Iam]

Wow, so many responses. Seems this topic has really struck a cord with many of us. I also recognize that you are all trying to show support and I do appreciate that, very much. It would be impossible to say thank you to each personally, but I read each post and got something (acceptance, understanding and good advice) from each one.

Funny James....I was going to post the exact same quote from Cthulhu ;o) I think for me feeing "invisible" is a huge trigger. Could that be because when I was growing up what I thought or felt didn't matter squat to anyone around me? I certainly felt invisible growing up. Unappreciated is another big trigger. It is true here that the extremes posted seems to bring out our feelings, empathy or gratitude and we respond in like. I find that frustrating. Someone else posted, Steve I think, about people paying attention only when you have something they want (i.e. you can make them feel happy by being up or be their support when they are feeling down etc).

There are so many responses on this thread simply because we all know the feeling of not fitting in, like nobody cares or could possibly understand. I know that is not true in my head and usually know it in my heart. And usually it doesn't matter to me. As you said Curiouser

Who said it was not ok for you to be different and act different from someone else? Who actually decides if you're "fitting in" or not? Usually the answer to who, is you.

I totally agree with this statement. It should be enough to for me to just be me. Does it really matter what others think? Much of the problem comes from the fact that we don't accept ourselves for who we are. I need to be ok with that and usually am able to "FOOL" myself that I am ok with me.

So what happened yesterday? I had a wonderful afternoon. I had lunch with the director of CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates for abused/negelected children) and she asked if I would be willing to be the project manager for a new teen program whe would like me to help develop and run. A "HIGH" compliment if I've ever had one...and slightly intimidating I must say. I know I have plenty of friends here on this forum. I am shown support, understanding, acceptance and even gratitude on the off chance I might post something that another feels helpful. So what the HELL HAPPENED? What triggered me? I really don't know.

All of your responses have helped a great deal. I am sorry for what I felt....yet it seems that posting it was a good thing. Not only for me to feel the acceptance in all of your responses, but for all of us to see and maybe understand that we all struggle with this. So what is the answer? It may be different for each, bu there has to be a solution to finding a way to be OK with ourselves, the good , the bad, the horrific and the mundane parts that each of us have. We are not the sum total of our traumas, but somehow I (if nobody else here) need to embrace the "bad" parts of myself (not only the bad that has been done to me, but the bad that I have done as well) as part of me and that it is ok. T

There is good that can come of all of this. Does the fact that I stole candy from a store when I was 5 make me a thief? Does the fact that I was promiscuous as a teen make me a slut? Does the fact that I help other's make me a saint? Easy to answer that last one isn't it?

Thanks again everyone. Maybe together we can figure this out ;o)

 

[StressyJen]

I have a theory that goes something like this. Don't have a lot of time right now to perfect the wording so I'll just wing it.

People with PTSD (or maybe some other circumstances cause it) are very attuned to emotional things, things that matter, other people's feelings, grave cause and effect, take things seriously etc. and generally are much older than their years, forced to understand these things earlier than other people. People who don't (majority of people) go on a more steady progression through life and maturing toward this. They can be more social because they haven't seen what we have seen, and they can relax and enjoy people and not be afraid and seem to be able to do a lot of things I can't. I sort of remember being like the second kind of person at times in my teen years and I always miss that. I've always been able to interact with people much older than myself WAY BETTER than anyone my own age. I think this is because PTSD accelerates maturity or something along those lines and we can't really relate any more to people who are just kicking back progressing through life at a more normal pace.

Just some random thought from Jenny :) Thanks for the thread.

Secondary observation: Even though I know the bad stuff early, as I grow older I am able to put it into perspective better, maybe this is the key flaw of learning the bad stuff early in PTSD, that you still have to mature into being able to process it right, unless you get help. Maybe "non-PTSD" people learn it along the same plane.

 

[AdamAnt]

okay....do I post or not?...sheeesh!

Iam, if you don't fit in they might as well shut the doors!:)

 

[anni]

Iams, you're so funny! You talked yourself more or less into some kind of self acceptance and them blew yourself with 'Easy to answer the last one'. If someone does indeed help others, perhaps that does make them some kind of saint. At least, I don't think you get to remove oneself from the list of canidates by virtue of zero self esteem. I'd have to bet some of the people you help look at things from a pretty positive light, where you're concerned.

Who does know why we act/react the way we do, indeed. The point is that we DO, and as much as is possible it is a sort of responsibility ot remain aware of this, while here in the forum. I was knocked sideways for a good day or so last week by something here, in point of fact. Some things just catch us badly, or hard, and the effect can be extreme. Our words affect others and it's not all that tough to perhaps think things through well when posting.

 

[bluecat]

There is good that can come of all of this. Does the fact that I stole candy from a store when I was 5 make me a thief? Does the fact that I was promiscuous as a teen make me a slut? Does the fact that I help other's make me a saint? Easy to answer that last one isn't it?

Hi Iam,

forgive me if I go a bit off topic, I've been thinking of my sisters since yesterday, somehow the memories just came, and the way you describe yourself is exactly how one of my younger sisters would describe herself. Gosh, my heart is just breaking for anyone who have ever felt this way, so critical of yourself for wantig a piece of candy or for wanting to feel loved. Hope you go and treat yourself to something good Iam, its long overdue.

Hugs,
Bluecat

 

[Iam]

Haha....yeah, I did kind of throw the baby out with the bathwater on that last statement didn't I Anni? LOL! Ah well....that is the PTSD mind for you ;o) It wouldn't have even crossed my mind to say that if I was talking to another person trying to help them thru a rough spot.

Not quite sure how to take that AdamAnt! "Quick....Shut the doors...she's cooooming!!!" Joke...;o)

I've always been able to interact with people much older than myself WAY BETTER than anyone my own age. I think this is because PTSD accelerates maturity or something along those lines and we can't really relate any more to people who are just kicking back progressing through life at a more normal pace.

Jen, my friends growing up were always 3 or so years older & my husband is 7 years older than me. I do agree that it was because of what we went thru that we had to mature quicker, though not necessarily healthier, than our peers who had stable upbringings. That still makes me sad to think of it, being robbed of those innocent years.

I have friends now from all age groups so things have changed there as I've gotten older. Yet I still feel different...not as good as others.

Posted by Curiouser

I use to look at other people, who seemed so happy and "normal" and think it's not fair, I wish I was like them. But how did I really know their lives were so perfect, that they were "normal" just by looking at them?

This is so true Curiouser.....I still look at others who seem to feel so safe and comfortable in their own skin and wonder what it would be like. If I am honest though there are times when I feel like that and it is glorious.

 

[Sammy]

Iam, when I read your beginning post, I was thinking exactly the same thing. As I read through the other responses, it seems everyone else also feels that a one time or another. To be honest, every "normal" (and what the heck is normal? And, do I really WANT to be "normal?") person I know has a struggle of their own. Granted, I sometimes want to beat them because their "struggle" seems just plan silly to me but, for them, it is a struggle. I try to remind myself, whatever anyone is wrestling with, it is hard for them. I sometimes think those of us who have PTSD are really the so called normal ones. We have seen and been subject to unmentionable atrocities. If we to not suffer for them, then what does that say about our souls? I sometimes think we are the "normal" ones. At the same time, there are days I would give anything to have a boring, non-anxiety-filled day. I would love to not always feel on the outside of every single "circle" I approach. I would love to have not been abused and to be able to see the world through rose colored glasses on more days than not. But, my trauma has taught me many things. I am able to understand struggle better than most. I can understand loneliness, hopelessness, fear, anger. However, because I know those things, I also appreciate the sunshine, the geese migrating, the flowers in spring, the sound of the owls at night, more than those who have never known the opposite. I hate that I have to deal with the crud others have inflicted on my mind. But I love that joy means so much more to me. Two-sided coin, I guess.

Iam, you are wonderful. This place is a safe place where we help each other heal. I can't tell you the number of posts I have read that send me spinning and forced me to deal with things I didn't want to deal with. And I often did not reply to those very posts that helped the most. It was too difficult. It is OK to hurt here. It is even OK to feel like you don't fit in. Personally, I am working hard to not let my PTSD send me over the edge. I will not be held hostage by memories. Well, at least not today. :wink:

 

[Iam]

To be honest, every "normal" (and what the heck is normal? And, do I really WANT to be "normal?") person I know has a struggle of their own. Granted, I sometimes want to beat them because their "struggle" seems just plan silly to me but, for them, it is a struggle. I try to remind myself, whatever anyone is wrestling with, it is hard for them.

This is so true. Even for ourselves, something that at one time we thought would be impossible to survive would be a thing we'd barely bat an eyelash at today. It's kind of like learning math, addition seems hard at first, then when you do trig you don't even think about the automatic adding that you are doing.

Personally, I am working hard to not let my PTSD send me over the edge. I will not be held hostage by memories. Well, at least not today.

Your goal is awesome Sammy and I can see that you are having some success with it ;o) And you know what...it is in fighting day by day that we fight the battle and win.

Thanks for reminding me that I refuse to let my traumas define who I am. I am so much more than that!

 

[just me here]

I just discussed this with my t a few sessions back. She says that I am too distrusting of people to ever accept friendship from a new source, and people know instinctively if they are being judged. The joke of the day was " just look for the people that are looking back at you with the same look of distrust in their eyes, and walk up and say hello".

I think anyone that has suffered a trauma at the hands of another has a right to be distrustful and careful about forming friendships, opening up to others, etc.

I have to say I also have never fealt like I belonged in any group I was ever exposed to, but that is my fealing, probably not the reality. In high school I fealt outcast but now as an adult I realise I could sit at any table in the cafeteria I wanted to, and did. I had friends in the sports corner, at the cool table, the math nerds, the stoners and the headbangers and skates. Of course I would run into people in all those groups that rejected me and that was the fealing I came away with.

Just human nature to worry about any sign that the tribe is getting ready to vote you off the Isand, I guess. Even worse if you have PTSD and think about voting yourself off the island on a regular basis. Just another facet on this little jewel of a disorder we got here.

 

[Tinyflame]

just me here

..worse if you have PTSD and think about voting yourself off the island on a regular basis. Just another facet on this little jewel of a disorder we got here.

That is so funny but SO true.

 

[Nicolette]

Here's my two bobs worth.....

Sometimes when you write something and no-one comments it does not necessarily mean that you are not liked or do not fit or anything of the like. I know I read your posts L and some days I feel like I have nothing positive to say and so say nothing at all but have taken the time to read. So, sometimes the shoe is on the other foot and the person who is reading what you wrote may not be in the best place to respond but have read your post. The other thing too is sometimes you can say things that sum up everything that there is nothing more people can add but it may make them think, perhaps even help them turn a corner they were struggling with.

I have seen both you and Jade hit bottom a couple of times and while doing my job as an Administrator have felt terrible for you.... What do you say to someone who has hit that far down? In fear of saying the wrong thing I have found it best to say nothing. If you remember Iam when you weren't doing too well I posted on your wall and you were off colour for a couple of days and then came back and said thank you. Has anything changed since then, no, other than me being on the forum less so I accept you as you are with your illness and having some concept of the rollercoaster ride.

Also, if you feel like you are not being responded to, don't forget to go to the main forum page where the thread is and you can see how may views what you have said has had..... like I said, sometimes people don't know what to say or have nothing to add but may have at least 'listened' being reading what you wrote.