I Just Don't Fit In, Not Even Here

[Nora]

Oh goodness! Has it really been this many days that have gone by since I posted this?!

It's safe to say I am in a state of flux right now. But an awesome perspective a number of days later... I was so upset around the time I wrote that post, and I think I was writing such a long post to try to exorcise my own demons while of course totally empathizing. In the last few days, I have really started to work on the problems I mentioned here without even realizing it. I really underestimated how powerful coming to this forum and being so open could be for all my communication problems.

I hope you've been doing well, Iam! I've exchanged a number of posts with you now and have always found your posts to be very kind and thoughtful. And so receptive to ideas and offering helpful suggestions in return.

 

[Iam]

;) I'm glad you are doing better Nora and thank you for the kind comments. Yes, coming to the forum is powerful. Whether it be to receive or offer compassion, validations, suggestions or just to go read the positive fun posts. It is so much easier to be vulnerable here simply because you can just stop reading if you need to. I think it gives us a way to "practice" being vulnerable which hopefully in turn can be used in more personable, face to face situations.

Yes, I am doing better. Feel like I am making good progress in my therapy. Still feel like I have a long way to go though. That's ok, we get there step by step.

 

[sisterinsurvival]

Oh I can go to my therapist and he'll listen to every word, sad happy or indifferent....of course, that's how he makes his living, off people like me, who just need someone to listen and act interested, no matter what it is I say. They get rich off that don't they. Ha....what a scam that is huh? God am I an idiot.

I feel this way sometimes too, L. I think I find such little value in myself that I see no reason for anyone else to love or value me for who I am. David (my counselor) has fought hard to prove to me otherwise. My husband was out of work for a year-and-a-half, and he saw me pro bono for the entire time.

I have found it very hard to believe that anyone loves me since my abuse as an adult. It shattered what sense of self-worth and value that I placed in myself. My husband has stood faithfully by my me through sickness and in health, for good or bad, yet I just can't feel connected and accept that he values me the way that he says that he does. He tells me that I am beautiful and a few other things that still occasionally make me blush, but internally, changing the negative self-talk that has rolled over and over in my mind for 33 years seems impossible.

Know that you have been of value to me in the short time that I have been here. Thank you for that! It is greatly appreciated.

 

[Iam]

Thank you SIS. I understand...I have a hard time believing positive things my husband says he thinks about me too. You are very lucky to have the therapist you have. I am too. This was said when I was very frustrated and down on myself. My T has been very helpful. When I look at the progress I have made I know I wouldn't have made it this far without his guidance, or someone else like him. He is a good T and I believe is in his profession because he truly wants to minister to people, not for the money.

It is not impossible for us to change those negative self-talk tapes, but it does take a lot of work. We'll get there. Thanks for the support. I appreciate it ;o)

 

[Nighthawk]

I know this is an old post but I also now know how you were feeling this way. Feeling unwanted, unaccepted and don't want to say all the other stuff that is going on im my head... But I know somewere it is not true just can not seem to get it into my head. I can't deal with this more pills to get me thru the day and then off to the T

NH

 

[Tinyflame]

I think there is a big differece between 'feeling' it and 'being' it. Feeling it is a fear, being it is a different reality to live with, one that is easier to identify the difference between when you're in it.
I bet that doesn't make sense, if so I'm sorry.

 

[Nighthawk]

Makes all the sense in the world

NH

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks NH, only makes sense to you.
I mean 'being' in it can be analgous to being within trauma occurring, whereas 'feeling' it the fallout from it, the fears and conclusions that may or may not be warranted that are a product of the trauma (following it). But if you know it's that much (the latter) you can try to challenge it as 'the ptsd talking' (= not true, understandable but not true).
The first being 'living' the second 're-living'.

 

[Lorrie Kelley]

Wow, so many responses.

I don't suppose you live in PA do you? The people out here have always made me feel invisible until they needed something from me. Just curious to see if you live in this area too.....Lorrie

 

[Iam]

Hi Lorrie,

Nope, sorry I live in NW Oregon.

I am reading a book on co-dependency right now. I think it is pretty common for those of us with PTSD, especially as a result of childhood abuse, to form relationships with "takers". I grew up being a mother to my mother. Many of my adult relationships have centered around my taking care of others. I have learned over the years to set boundaries and to take care of myself. I still fight feeling selfish for doing that, but I do understand that it is necessary in order for me to be healthy. I don't know if that strikes a cord with you or not.

Are you new to the forum? I haven't been on much lately so haven't been keeping up with the newcomers. If you are new, welcome to the forum! It's a great place to find support and understanding. The information on wiki pages is very helpful too. This forum has been a life saver for me on more than one occasion ;o)

 

[Stacie]

This disorder, or problem, or whatever you want to call it can certainly lead to hypersensitivity and self-esteem problems. Many times it seems hard to just accept something at face value, especially when it is neutral or positive. Especially when I am having an off day I tend to take everything and question(sometimes beating it to death) what the hidden "negative" meaning behind it must be.

Speaking for myself, I'm a newcomer here, and I see there are many others as well. Sometimes it can be a question of not understanding how the forum works, and as I have heard others mention, sometimes keeping up with life stressors can make me too exhausted to coherently reply to a post, much less get to reading them all. There are many that I miss and come across when it may be too late to appropriately reply, that does not mean I don't enjoy them.

But regarding the content of the post and your state of mind, I personally enjoy reading all types of posts. That is what makes every post I get a chance to read mean so much. I like it that we can identify with each other in extreme pain or happiness. I like it that we can feel comfortable enough to post even when there is nothing special going on.

And if we all felt the exact same way at the very same time, I'd feel like I had joined some sort of twisted "Stepford Society".
And even I am not crazy enough to do something like that ;)

BTW, I found this pic on the web, and it made me think of this thread. No idea who the people in the photo are but thought the caption was amusing enough to share.

 

[Iam]

T
And if we all felt the exact same way at the very same time, I'd feel like I had joined some sort of twisted "Stepford Society".
And even I am not crazy enough to do something like that ;)

LMAO Stacie......thanks for the chuckle!

I took it that Lorrie was talking about the people where she lives, not so much on the forum like I was all those months ago. I agree about being hypersensitive at times, at least for myself. I also isolate when I am symptomatic which of course makes me feel more invisable. The isolation feels more comfortable and horrible at the same time. If that makes any sense at all.

Welcome to the forum. I am glad you found us. It truly is a place of healing and support.