I am tired, but I am strong, I make so much progress and even though I want to deny the progress I have made, it is still there. I did not understand before, you know, what to do. I understood I was depressed, but I repressed the true causes. I practically begged for help, and after years of searching I was finally sent to a mental hospital. I was not admitted, but just sent their to meet a social worker and come up with a plan. The plan was to be sent to a government funded mental health program. I poured most things out right away, because I was told thats what was causing my problems. At that time I did not understand how things worked. I just wanted to let it out, hoping it will free me. But I never mentioned where it began.
Since then, my grades improved, I been a bit more social, I have learned to stick up more for myself, I learned self defense. I can do so well for so long, but I fall hard.
I am just tired, I want more, I want to finally be done with the darkness my soul gets lost in.
I get so angry sometimes, I feel like I have become a monster, Like the predators turned me into a monster and I long to feel that mental state the was before the trauma.
In my MMA class there is this guy, and he likes to make comments on how its my bf job to protect me. I think it offends him that me a woman is in the class. To be honest I feel he may find me attractive and instead of admitting it and dealing with the emotions he lashes out on me because he feel guilty because he has a very beautiful fiance that he met at church. He seems very traditional. Most of the time I don't even notice he is there, but then I notice him paying a little extra attention to me.
Anyway he makes comments like "It should be your boyfriends job to protect you." It is a simple arrogant comment that does not bother me much, but it makes me realize how often men have failed to protect me, in fact the men I have loved have been the ones who put me in danger.
My current bf hates violence and has no interest in learning MMA which I am 100% fine with, in fact I find very enduring. He is very smart, kind and patient. Why do I have to be with an typical idea of a man, why can't I be with a man unique with his abilities that create a combination so fascinating and amazing. I have been with a brut before, there was nothing there.
My point of this story is that simple scenarios like this, can cause dark memories and thoughts. I do not care about his sexist point of view. It is fine, I am still going to go to class and learn, I have more experience then him, I can take if I needed to, but it is not about that. I think it is for him. I think it frustrates him. I can't say how he feels for sure.
But if me being a woman is causing him to feel uncomfortable that is his problem. He even proposed to his girlfriend and then brought her and her father to watch the training and take videos. She stared me down hard when she watched, I did not even know it was his girlfriend, I just felt nervous having this women stare me down while I trained.
His frustration with me is causing anxiety when I train, he seems like a very nice guy I just don't understand his problem with me. And I wish I could explain to people why I react some ways. I wish things like this don't have to cause a trigger minefield. I just want to feel better so I can function better in these situations.
I have been considering offering to take place in memory studies, maybe they can find a way to make me forget.
Since then, my grades improved, I been a bit more social, I have learned to stick up more for myself, I learned self defense. I can do so well for so long, but I fall hard.
I am just tired, I want more, I want to finally be done with the darkness my soul gets lost in.
I get so angry sometimes, I feel like I have become a monster, Like the predators turned me into a monster and I long to feel that mental state the was before the trauma.
In my MMA class there is this guy, and he likes to make comments on how its my bf job to protect me. I think it offends him that me a woman is in the class. To be honest I feel he may find me attractive and instead of admitting it and dealing with the emotions he lashes out on me because he feel guilty because he has a very beautiful fiance that he met at church. He seems very traditional. Most of the time I don't even notice he is there, but then I notice him paying a little extra attention to me.
Anyway he makes comments like "It should be your boyfriends job to protect you." It is a simple arrogant comment that does not bother me much, but it makes me realize how often men have failed to protect me, in fact the men I have loved have been the ones who put me in danger.
My current bf hates violence and has no interest in learning MMA which I am 100% fine with, in fact I find very enduring. He is very smart, kind and patient. Why do I have to be with an typical idea of a man, why can't I be with a man unique with his abilities that create a combination so fascinating and amazing. I have been with a brut before, there was nothing there.
My point of this story is that simple scenarios like this, can cause dark memories and thoughts. I do not care about his sexist point of view. It is fine, I am still going to go to class and learn, I have more experience then him, I can take if I needed to, but it is not about that. I think it is for him. I think it frustrates him. I can't say how he feels for sure.
But if me being a woman is causing him to feel uncomfortable that is his problem. He even proposed to his girlfriend and then brought her and her father to watch the training and take videos. She stared me down hard when she watched, I did not even know it was his girlfriend, I just felt nervous having this women stare me down while I trained.
His frustration with me is causing anxiety when I train, he seems like a very nice guy I just don't understand his problem with me. And I wish I could explain to people why I react some ways. I wish things like this don't have to cause a trigger minefield. I just want to feel better so I can function better in these situations.
I have been considering offering to take place in memory studies, maybe they can find a way to make me forget.
