I Keep Wanting Ill For Them All! Have I Gone Crazy?

[J_trustno1]

Okay, Most of you who have read my past threads will already know what my abuse was about. However, sometimes when I am sickened by my past and my childhood trauma, i keep wanting death and bad for them and their children. I was not only mistreated by the abusers but their kids too.

I may sound cruel, rude or whatever you call it but I just don't want well for any of them! I just have so much hate towards them. I know some of you will say CBT is the answer, yes, okay I believe you And I am in therapy. However, what they have done cannot be undone! I have NOT done anything cruel to them neither I want to get involved into that kinda shit with them because it's not worth my energy and time. But why do I have this rage inside me?

About 10 yrs ago when I was a 16 yr old kid, I was first diagnosed with depression for which I was given my first set of antidepressants. However, at that time I wanted to die and wanted life to end. Now I want them to die instead of me. I am not a psycho I want to have a successful career and be the woman of my dreams but I can't let go of their ill-doings. I can't tolerate the fact that their kids are enjoying their lives, having luxurious lives while I was forced into child labor when I was only a 12 yr old kid??

Am I insane for thinking bad for them??

 

[digger]

Sounds to me like you're just on journey towards getting to a place where you can let it go and get on with your own life. It doesn't happen overnight. The things that caused it didn't happen overnight. Fixing it takes time.

You've moved from wanting yourself dead, to seeing who the problem actually was with and now you're angry about that - seems fair enough. Hopefully your therapist will help you to release some of that in a safe way so you can let it go. In time you'll move past this stage of letting them take up so much time and space in your head.

I think maybe you're getting a bit caught up on what they've got, that you didn't have, in material terms? Life is about so much more than that. A life of luxury in my opinion is not one of material wealth and things handed to you on a plate. So their kids from the outside appear to be enjoying life - you can't really know though what they feel when they are alone with themselves.

I think you will move towards focussing on yourself, rather than on them, and that will be healthy. It sounds at the moment that it is maybe the twelve year old child you that is taking the reins - let her have her voice for a bit.

 

[J_trustno1]

I can't let go of what that 12 yr old me when through everyday of her life. I can't let go of humiliation, berating, beating, verbal and emotional abuse.

I also can't let go of what the pedophile done to that 9 yr old me!!! I want them all to be dead. I want to spit on their faces!!

 

[digger]

By 'let go', I don't mean accept it as okay. It wasn't okay. I just mean that you will come to a different place with it.

It's fine to be angry about. In fact anger about it is appropriate.

 

[J_trustno1]

I agree with you. This anger and hate is actually destroying me not them! But I have no idea how to forget it or move past this stage. Until last year I wanted death for myself but it's not this year that i want bad for them! I used to feel that it is wrong to want bad for them and I allowed them and their kids to treat me like shit till early this year. But now my tolerance for their crap is gone and i am telling off their kids when they treat me like crap! Their kids are between 12 - 21!!

 

[digger]

That all seems like appropriate and healthy progress to me :)

Did you know, at the time, how to move past the stage of wanting death for yourself to the place you are at now where you can feel anger at what happened to you, instead of shame? I'd guess not. Like I said, it's a journey, maybe you need to allow yourself to be at this stage for a bit? I don't know, in many ways I'm not even close to where you've progressed to already. You do sound like you're in a rush to get somewhere though.

What does your therapist say about it?

 

[J_trustno1]

Well, I was the most outspoken kid but mum's siblings didn't like me for being me! Her narcissistic brother put challenges for me saying that i will not be able to learn English (it is my third language and I came to NZ 14 yrs ago) but I proved him wrong in my school progress report. He had a fear that I would outdo his kids in school or in life. So he tried breaking me but forcing me into work which again failed. He always used to humiliate me, berate me, tease me, yell at me, mimic me, make faces at me and when I told him off he would chase me to my room when I was crying and keep yelling at me. He made other prophecies about me that i will never get to uni, i will run away from home when I turn 16 and become a hair dresser! Now that i have not done any of that and have finished my masters degree he says that i have done this for my ego! Well her bitch sister (pedos wife) used to beat me, would leave her kids when they were 1 and 5 at my house when i was having finals exams, she would judge me, make fun of me and last year she tried poisoning me against my mother.

Okay part from my story! I had a huge mental break down, i was suicidal last year. It was my first time when I discovered in November 2013 that I have PTSD. I was guilty, i used to cry, i felt self pity. I always used to feel very negative when i saw them but i didn't know why i hated their appearance till last year in October when I had therapy. I used to cry all the time, i used to feel bad all the time. I even lost my sleep. I would wake up at 2am in the morning after an hour of sleep crying for several hours for not wanting the same for my daughter. But for some reason I didn't know how to move ahead. I met my GP this year and she told me that it is okay for me to feel like this. She kinda supported me and this forum helped me. My GP also told me to feel the freedom but it didn't work for God knows several months, i didn't free at all I felt i was in prison! She told me that I don't have to see them if i don't want to but then my mum used to force me to go to their house earlier on. However, i soon started standing up for myself and told my mum that i am not seeing them! I started avoiding their presence, i avoided discussions with them, i kept it to hello or hi with them if they ever came to our house and then would walk away. I had to change my antidepressant because the old one stopped working after 10 yrs. I have stopped wasting time with negative and discouraging people. I chose to be in my own company than being surrounded by toxic friends or relatives. I also stopped watching or reading depressing stuff on the internet or tv. I have this major anger for them now and so much hate.

Yes at times I do compare myself to people and feel shit about myself because of judging my ownself to people. However, earlier on I used to be a people pleaser and used to care what people would think of me if i didn't do as they wanted but now I don't give a f*ck about what people think, if they like me it's good and if they don't it's even better, i don't need people to define me anymore! I have stopped pleasing people and ever since then my life has started become better. I don't do things to prove people wrong anymore, i am doing things for myself now. But this anger and hate aren't going away just yet :(

 

[digger]

just yet

Those two words are important!

Seriously, you've made a huge amount of progress in a pretty short amount of time in my opinion. I think you're doing great.

My take on the anger thing, and it is just my take and I've no real founding for it, but I reckon part of the problem might be that you're not allowing yourself to feel it. You are feeling it, but you're pissed at yourself for feeling it, which suggests to me that there might still be a part of you that doesn't think you're justified in feeling it? I would suggest trying to work on accepting that that is how you feel right now about things, and that that is okay instead of trying to sweep past it as a stage. You have a right to feel angry about this shit.

 

[J_trustno1]

@digger : very true. I used to have physical symptoms of this when I used to see them where my period would start a week earlier or even not come on time because of the comments they would say. Now I have cut them off my life. Today they held a prayer for my grandfather who died last year but i refused to go their house. I don't need to see any of those morons. Well my grandfather was not always on my side, he took sides and chose the sides which would benefit him best. So it doesn't matter if I don't go to their so called holy prayer! I also don't believe in religion or God, so that whole three day prayer they holding at their house for the sake of showing off to public about the love they had for my grandfather doesn't mean anything to me. After 10 days of the grandfather's death, mum's narcissistic brother went crazy about my grandfathers will and the bitch sister was also worried about the will. It was all about who gets how much money and now they are holding this superficial prayer to show people their devotion for their dead father, what a load of BULLCRAP!!

 

[The Albatross]

A recovery group of mine (formerly) states: Resentment is the number one offender. Ignore the references to alcoholism but read through here: http://www.barefootsworld.net/aaresentments.html

 

[Mystery]

I agree with the supporters advice given to you above, I'd also like to add what I tell myself in relation to what you are experiencing. When I have an anger, resentment, hatred and blame attack toward those that have harmed me, I remember that stress shortens my Telomeres.

In recent years, science has discovered these little strands of DNA on the ends of our genes that are like a full stop in the gene sequences, to tell the DNA to stop replicating when it is making new cells. This is going on non stop in the body, as you lose cells every day replaced by new ones. As we all know, failure to stop replicating is more commonly known as Cancer.

The team that is researching Telomeres did their initial research on people who were under chronic, long term stress such as parents with a severely disabled child. The stressed people had markedly shorter Telomeres than less stressed individuals. The studies were exhaustive and it definitely appears that stress over a long period of time is causing damage to our DNA that is harmful to us.

So I try to remind myself that I can live a happy long life, if I let go of all the anger and accept the new normal, as someone called it on this site last week. It just is, that we must live with this apparent injury to the system. The longer I ruminate on the anger and believe me I have plenty reason, like to you, feel it, the more I guarrantee myself that I am hurting myself literally in the end.

I still get those moments and the resulting feelings, tempting me to get caught up in them. I sometimes get broadsided by those feelings without notice and they can be intense. It is a choice once you've processed those feelings. Going through anger is a necessary part of accepting loss but it hurts us if we allow it to flow through us for too long. Underneath the anger is a loss we must accept and move forward from. It's the shell that protects the soft yolk of vulnerability, IMHO. ((Hug to you))

 

[Dana1010]

I can't let go of humiliation, berating, beating, verbal and emotional abuse.

I saw some recent research suggesting that humiliation is the master emotion, stronger than all the others. It's been a huge part of my life owing to my parents bringing it on through their crazy, embarrassing lifestyle and the shunning they brought to us. I grew up isolated without friends so what happened was I never developed socially and so I made a fool out of myself nonstop for the first few years on my own. I honestly don't know how to live with the memories. Sometimes I'll just be shuffling along and a flashback will come to me and almost knock me down. No, I'll think, tell me that isn't me. I almost feel like I should carry a suicide pill with me in case I ever come face to face with one of those people again. And I still harbor a lot of hate for the people who were particularly insensitive toward me for my awkwardness.