I Knew This Would Happen But

[Hope4Now]

After last week, I knew this would happen, but it's still overwhelming me. I've been fighting against repressed memories but one has been exploding out of me in so many ways anyway, especially in a terrible flashback last week. It was like an earthquake and the aftershocks kept coming and then the whole landscape changed today. I'm feeling so shattered and vulnerable right now. I keep pulling myself together and I can manage for an hour or so, then I collapse again into being a 3 year old child being attacked and then I just kind of dissociate. It's been like this all day. It's horrible. I can't seem to get the child to stay in the safe place my therapist helped me imagine for her.

There's nobody I can call except some therapist who is covering while mine is on vacation and that scares me too much. I am supposed to go and have dinner with my neighbors soon. I don't know if this is good or not. I don't know if I can be my functional adult self. I'm trying. I wish I had closer friends. I wish I didn't feel so alone and vulnerable right now. I wish I had somebody to take care of me.

Part of me says don't post this because it sounds so pathetic, but part of me desperately needs some kindness and comfort too so I'm going to post it anyway.

 

[Springer80]

It's really not pathetic and I would consider if you can manage this dinner invitation. You don't have to explain, just say your not feeling great and could you do it another time.

 

[KwanYingirl]

And you are NOT alone. I have days like you're having. They suck and I get nothing accomplished. Getting up and going out usually is a great diversion for me. Hopefully your dinner buddies will make you laugh and get out of your head/body for a couple of hours. You can always feign an illness if you have to get out (which isn't a lie).

Your comment about not being able to put the child in her safe place just lit up a light bulb in my head. I'm going to try that. It's the child who disrupts my life. If I can keep her safe I'll feel a lot better.

You know these worms just find a way of working themselves out of us and there's times even our best efforts are fruitless. You're not alone and I hope you feel better soon.

 

[mrsps]

Im glad that you were able to post this and share your story. You are not alone with what you are going through. Be gentle to yourself :)

 

[Hope4Now]

@Springer80 I'm struggling with this. The woman in the couple knows I have PTSD. In an impulsive moment of self-revelation, I shared this with her about six months ago. She called and asked if I would come early so we could chat. She's battling cancer right now and has CFS so she's no stranger to hard times. But I don't think she or the handful of people who know what I'm dealing with have any clue how bad it is. And I never really know how much to tell people...it all depends on which parts of me are in the "drivers' seat" at any given moment. I'm so in need of some human contact right now that I think I'm going to go. I've been pretty much by myself since last Friday and as much of an introvert as I am anyway, I need to be with people. Maybe I will go for a short time and leave early. Or maybe my social self will click in and I'll have a nice time. I never know. Sigh. Thank you for responding.

 

[Springer80]

Well sounds like if you think there might be a chance you can deal with it, then give it a whirl. Often choices are made because one is the lesser of two evils and if you've been on your own for a week,....

 

[mrsps]

I think it is great if you are able to go :) and like you say you can always leave early if you need to!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Hope4Now - I know about repressed memories and I know about how horrible it feels when they come out. My current one is slowly leaking out, not exploding, but I know the pain it causes. The disruption to your life that it causes.

What comforts the child in you? Sometimes (if I am alone) I will hug a stuffed animal and sit with it while I carry on with my day. Sometimes it's just enough to keep the child at bay.

When does your therapist come back?

Sometimes when you force yourself to do something like the dinner party, it turns out to be just the thing you needed. I hope that you go and that this is the case for you. You need some caring company or at least friendly distractions. And if it turns out it's not what you needed, leave early.

Also, please know that you are not pathetic. I feel that way sometimes, too, when I post on here, but you need support and people will understand.

 

[franciemarnie]

You've got options now where once you had none. Do what is best for you.

I don't know if you ever tried this, but what works for me is talking to the inner child. For instance, I will say What are you afraid of? And I will listen and respond specifically, and tell her my 57 year old self will take care of whatever she is afraid of just fine (and I am not lying to her), and if she is scared, she can tuck underneath my heart where no one will see her and she will be safe until she wants to come back out and enjoy life with me. Stuff like that.

But please do whatever will make you feel safe. Hugs.

 

[arfie]

Pathetic or not, you are not alone. I haven't experienced this magnitude of flashback for quite a few years, but I still feel pretty pathetic when I remember it. By the time I worked through the worst of it, I was pretty convinced that it was best to stay social through it. Being with someone makes it a little easier to calmly sort the real world from the flashback. Sometimes showing my vulnerability even helped deepen bonds. Hope you made the dinner party. Whether you had fun, or not, is kinda secondary. It's the effort that counts.

Getting a frightened child to feel safe anywhere can be challenging, even when the child is you. Be patient. Little things can make big differences. Especially little bits of patience.

 

[Hope4Now]

I went to my neighbors' tonight. It was okay. I was okay. Relatively present to them and the other two elderly people who were there. I've been home for a while now and going back and forth into the same little kid/dissociation mode I've been in all day. It seems like I can manage to pull myself together for the outside world to a certain extent but as soon as I let down my guard as I sometimes do when I'm on my own, everything comes flooding back. The more I try to be on for family (on the phone tonight) or others, the worse it gets when I stop being "on." I can't find the balance.

Bad since I've been home. The self-destructive energies are back and I've not been able to fight them off anymore. Not life-threatening stuff but not healthy either. I don't like that I do this. The worst torture of it is that I KNOW I'm doing it to somehow avoid other pain, but I just can't stop.

I just want to be done with all this trauma stuff and all the disconnect between my thinking self and my other selves. I KNOW everything that I need to do, and that it will take a long time to process it all, but I FEEL desperate and panicked and impatient and...
arrgh. I hate all this. Can't somebody hit my reset button and let me start my life all over again?

 

[Chava]

Sorry it's been so hard...I hope you were able to rest? I can relate to sometimes wishing I could start life all over. But that feeling passes too...though hard when you're feeling stuck with it and all the bad feelings. If you're feeling you want someone to take care of you is it because you just need to rest and set all the scary stuff aside for a while? Or just connection comfort? Would it help to wrap up in a blanket or hide with a stuffed animal or anything? Not anything that would make dissociation worse, but if it feels comforting at all. I really struggle when I am in panic mode, so I understand it doesn't really matter what you "know"...but keep reaching out and believing you can get through this...