I know i'm a terrible person for thinking this...

[Haven]

So I recently had a conversation with some people that was interesting. I find it hard sometimes when people complain about little issues and act like their life is ending. Such as not getting the window with a view, having a cold, or their cereal wasn't at the store. Or worse act like their little thing is just as bad as your big thing, such as having a small cold vs pneumonia. I'm terrible because I know I should be understanding and show concern, but typically I'm annoyed. Especially if I have pneumonia and they have a cold.

I'm probably really stupid or something but I feel like I have a lot worse things happen to me than most people. Like I'm a magnet for disaster. I know some people never talk about their problems and everyone says that everyone has their own issues and challenges etc that I don't know about. I think that's true to an extent, but then why do we think those in 3rd world countries need help, or we talk about privilege? I do think some people have easier lives than others for whatever reason.

I'm just annoyed when people talk about how terrible their lives are and I have no clue how bad they have it etc. And my own issues are far worse. But I don't talk about it. I know that kind of answers my own question but still. Do you think some people have more hardships than others?

 

[Tinyflame]

Do you think some people have more hardships than others?

Yes. A priest I knew who worked in Africa answered this question of someone in my ear shot once, everyone has suffering, but not equally.

And of course we can compound it, or increase it's likelihood through our actions or beliefs and histories too, though not intended.

But many things you mentioned are more inconveniences than problems (cereal). It's definitely a First World 'problem'. One can become grossly out of touch, individually or nationwide. (I recall the Red Cross saying people meant well but sent ball gowns to clothes drives in natural disasters; they did, however, use them for cleaning rags.)

When we are not affected or do not have to concern ourselves or worry about something, I think nearly everyone can forget how difficult it is for someone else. Hence the basis for our own suffering opening our eyes & hearts at a deep level to the sufferings and needs of others, and to obviously hopefully help them, and to take pause and not judge, and to our gratitude.

I believe it's relative: having pneumonia is far worse than a cold; but not terminal. Having $ for antibiotics if bacterial is less of a problem; not having them and being the bread-winner more of a problem. But being pregnant, ill or aged it may kill ; but in other countries they have not nearly sufficient food nor health care possibilities to have much life expectancy. Etc.

And context. A friend who was a cop needed sunglasses -because of the risk of Hep C/ spitting. Or losing a ring is one thing, an heirloom another, but something with sentimental value could feel even worse. Etc.

The way I see, there's always someone much worse off, and better, than myself.

I think what increases the definition of the impact of a problem is it's severity, how many people any options to solve it affects, resources to solve it and the worry, capabilities to solve it, both understanding and physical; length and breadth of impact and suffering; resilience and coping; emotional, physical and psychological and financial impact; balance of suffering and loss to joy and support/ family and partners, motivation/ reasons, value to the person, etc. JMHO though. Sorry it's so long.

You are not a bad person to think that. :hug:

 

[desiderata310]

There's this really cool serenity poem called... huh, well it's called Desiderata. It means Needful Things.
Part of it goes like this:

• 
  
  Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
  and listen to others,
  even the dull and the ignorant;
  they too have their story.

• 
  
  Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
  they are vexations to the spirit.
  If you compare yourself with others,
  you may become vain and bitter;
  for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
  

It seems to fitting in this situation.

Yeah, some people don't 'have it as bad'. Go read some of the trauma diaries. Some people have had it worse than you even.
It's just the way of the world.

• 
  

 

[whiteraven]

Sometimes I think that my traumas weren't bad at all and I compare myself to those who have it "much worse" than I do. Then I try to remember that it's really how we *perceive* trauma that is important. To someone who has just had a transplant, a cold can mean possible death. The rest of us - not so much of a big deal.

 

[Gamereign555]

It is all very complex. People have different thresholds. Meaning people undergo stress and anxiety‘s and dramas until eventually they busted through that barrier and have shock to themselves.

Some of them end up with PTSD. And then when they have it there are varying degrees it seems that which people suffer from it and everyone’s evolution is different. But while the severity can vary from person to person the range, although quite broad of symptoms that can occur as a result are all the same. I suppose that is our only basis for comparison to go on. I think I saw somewhere a list that contain eight groups of main causes of PTSD. One difference between all of us which matters is how they go about treatment. And how the therapist decides to approach that person, The type of person and how you react and what the key traumatic events were seems to matter quite a bit. There’s no way to tell who will suffer more just because they had a certain experience, it doesn’t seem to be equal and it doesn’t discriminate. It is a monster for all of us.

 

[EveHarrington]

I prefer to silently laugh in my head when things like not finding their favorite cereal at the grocery store is the end of the world. Yeah, I’m probably going to hell for that!

We all suffer differently. It’s just a part of life.

 

[Haven]

Thanks guys! I definitely think there are people who have it worse than I do. I feel like my own experiences has really opened that up for me to realize how bad things could have been. I'm pretty grateful for all the help, and support I got. I think it is true that we all deal with our experiences differently and there are variances of circumstances etc. I do believe that if someone hasn't experienced a trauma now, they probably will sometime in their future. I try to keep an open mind for those who seem to complain about trivial things or for example act like they are dying and are the most miserable person in the world when they have all their needs taken care of, the obnoxious ones. Maybe I'm just whistling air here. I'm obviously not a perfect human being, so I'll continue to try not to let it get to me. I wouldn't ever want them to experience what I have, or what I have seen other people experience.

I do think though that a small thing can affect someone in a big way. For example, for me if I get berated at work, it can send me spiraling down, and I have to stop myself from suicidal thinking. For others criticisms at work are normal and nothing to worry about, for me it's something I have to battle with. So I think I'm beginning to understand this concept more and more. We're not all built the same way. What may seem small to us may be big to others. There will always be those who have it worse or better, we never want to have them experience the atrocities we have. I do think those who have not experienced more, perhaps are missing out on a level of empathy that those who can relate understand. I sometimes wish I could help my friends more who have had immediate family members die, but I don't know how as well because I have never experienced it. (knock on wood)

I'm still trying to understand all this. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

I really like your post @Haven .

I sometimes wish I could help my friends more ..

I saw a sweet Jewish story once about 2 friends and one his bike is stolen, and he sits on the street curb crying. And his friend comes and sits and cries with him, because that is what he can do. And everyone thinks it's useless because the bike is still gone, but he gave the only thing he could, but it was the most important thing.

 

[Freida]

I had a horrible shift one night at 911 and came home to a frantic phone call from a friend. She said she was being harassed by a guy she worked with - but this is an accusation she made a lot over the years no matter where she worked and never followed up with. I called her (even though I knew I was in a bad place) and she started yammering on about how he was "looking at her".

Instead of being kind and listening, I let her go on for about 5 minutes and then screamed at her "You want to know what a problem at work is? How many F**cking babies did you kill in the last 4 hours?" (when someone dies on a 911 call we take not being able to save them very personally).
Then I hung up on her.

It was several days before I calmed down enough to call her back and apologize. Then she wanted to lecture me about how my bar for stress is set unreasonably high (job requirement) and I shouldn't discount other peoples pain. I hung up on her again. We finally did work it out, but it was a good reminder to me that everyone's bars are different and I needed to respect that. It's not always easy, but I try

 

[Deleted member 37085]

@Freida what a very difficult and stressful job as a 911 operator you must have. And I can see why someone talking about another person "looking at her" as being a thing to make her panic...would indeed be frustrating to deal with and not something to really so much as panic over...especially when you're answering life/death 911 calls.

And like you and others have above-shared...everyone's emotional bars are different and I too need to try and respect that as well. And I agree it is not always easy.

 

[Lifalif]

@Freida what a very difficult and stressful job as a 911 operator you must have....

I connect with everything you wrote and my words are like yours. This is very well written by you. Once my trauma therapist told me when I was talking to her about exactly the same
"it's for you to understand that they don't understand you"
This sentence helped me to cope with my frustiration when I am in situations like you described.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Or worse act like their little thing is just as bad as your big thing, such as having a small cold vs pneumonia. I'm terrible because I know I should be understanding and show concern, but typically I'm annoyed. Especially if I have pneumonia and they have a cold.

Not terrible, human. You are normal I think for what you have been experiencing and just saying how you feel and what you think all part of being a human.

do think some people have easier lives than others for whatever reason.

Yes some better and some worse like @Junebug said. I am so glad you were able to find some peace here and the realizations are so great and I have appreciated this thread that you put up.

Do you think some people have more hardships than others?

A lot of people have it worse than me and I will have more worse later on down the line I am sure it is just life being unfair to us and no one ever told us that life was fair. I struggled with this concept quite a bit when I first started therapy for myself.

You did express yourself very well here and thanks again.