As I reviewed my virtual therapy session yesterday I realized that my T said something that I have probably known but have never verbalized or thought about:
"I protect myself from feeling strong emotions and have been doing so since I was 10"
Disassociation and blocking of emotions was a valuable tool for a 10yo to enable me to survive the abuse. However, like an athlete that trains and creates muscle memory through repetitive actions there is strong mental muscle memory that has driven me into this pattern of behaviors for 50 years in all aspects of my life. This I think became obvious when I told my T that even though my Father passed 35 years ago I can still not talk about him without a strong emotional reaction and beginning to cry (not totally cry because I do not allow myself to do that). This is a result of my not being able to grieve and face the strong emotions of his passing 35 years ago. My dad and I were very close and this observation crystalized for me my inability to grieve or face strong negative emotions and the damage that has, and is doing to me.
My T, after asking if that is really what I want is going to begin exploring my memories and sexual abuse from 10-12 as well as additional traumatic life events that followed (created sometimes by my behavior) which have shaped my behavior and responses. For over 40 years I rarely thought about these issues (disassociation) but since my initial mental collapse 5 years ago I have moved from never thinking about it to I have to know what happened.
I have appts scheduled for every Monday starting next week and I will liely have to only work half days on Mondays because the emotional toll of the sessions wipes me out for the day.
"I protect myself from feeling strong emotions and have been doing so since I was 10"
Disassociation and blocking of emotions was a valuable tool for a 10yo to enable me to survive the abuse. However, like an athlete that trains and creates muscle memory through repetitive actions there is strong mental muscle memory that has driven me into this pattern of behaviors for 50 years in all aspects of my life. This I think became obvious when I told my T that even though my Father passed 35 years ago I can still not talk about him without a strong emotional reaction and beginning to cry (not totally cry because I do not allow myself to do that). This is a result of my not being able to grieve and face the strong emotions of his passing 35 years ago. My dad and I were very close and this observation crystalized for me my inability to grieve or face strong negative emotions and the damage that has, and is doing to me.
My T, after asking if that is really what I want is going to begin exploring my memories and sexual abuse from 10-12 as well as additional traumatic life events that followed (created sometimes by my behavior) which have shaped my behavior and responses. For over 40 years I rarely thought about these issues (disassociation) but since my initial mental collapse 5 years ago I have moved from never thinking about it to I have to know what happened.
I have appts scheduled for every Monday starting next week and I will liely have to only work half days on Mondays because the emotional toll of the sessions wipes me out for the day.