I Love You... Does Anyone Struggle With This?

[fly away home]

@Sally sue I have felt the same urge with my T and with my friends, wanting to say i love you but the blocked throat comes and I can't swallow just thinking about it.

Maybe I am looking at this from the wrong direction. I am seeing the impact the words have had on my life, both hearing and speaking or not speaking them. Thinking this is the problem but the cause of the impact seems to be what is common among us. We never heard them as children or if we did it was not genuine.


Oh and @Sally sue I am glad you have no regrets with your kids. It seems to be the easiest place to express love without complications and manipulations
:)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't mean intimacy or sex. My love language is time---I feel love when people spend time with me. Love is an action means that you're there for me and support me when I am having an episode. It means that I can feel the love through the actions you take, whether it be spending time with me in any capacity or simply talking to me on the phone. It's about being there for each other through the bad times and the good, not just when you want sex.

I've had guys tell me they love me who have never spent much time with me. Most of the time I laugh inside. Don't give me this love crap when you have no desire to spend actual time with me!

I've never EVER mistaken sex for love. Sex doesn't make me feel love. And yes I am going to sound condescending when I say this, but I'm so glad I don't as I've seen SO many other females go looking for love between the sheets and they eventually realize that's not where to find it, oftentimes ending up getting hurt repeatedly or even ending up with a kid (and quite possibly an absentee father).

Sorry if this got a little ranty, but I'm dealing with a guy whom I've known for a few years now who has been telling me he loves me blah blah blah but the truth is that he wants none of my time, only the physical aspects so HE can feel good. I held on for a specific reason, but I finally realize I deserve better and I let him go.

 

[fly away home]

Oh @Solara not at all ranty. This is exactly where I am at and why I am questioning what love is. My man, of 13 years has shown zero support and lots of manipulation. But apparently it's the sex he is missing. I can't even tolerate him looking at me right now so how could I have felt so much to have mouthed those words and now they mean nothing when he says them to me. I doubt no matter how much he changes I could ever say those words back to him again. Maybe the words are now broken for me. Im scared that i won't be able to say them to anyone else now.

 

[fly away home]

Conversely I don't feel it as deeply as I used to... that scares me too.

I don't feel it for the man I said those words to anymore but I do for others. Hence my confusion about their power over me and if that power remains. I know I can't express those words without feeling intense love and I feel the words, when i speak them, intensify my feelings. Because they are said so rarely and almost kept like precious gems to be shared only with people I feel deeply for that I'm worried they may have died in me.

 

[fly away home]

Sadly @Solara I have all too often mistaken sex for love.

I think the whole love thing is very confusing to me because it's an unknown language to me. I feel it but I have no means of communicating it clearly. Or am I expecting a manual when in actual fact we are all lost and there is no common understanding of how love is shown?

 

[J_trustno1]

@Solara : This is exactly what love means to me.
@fly away home : listen to Solara, love is about spending time and talking to the person. Sorry I was upset in the forum that I could give you the full picture. I believe in what Solara has said.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@Solara I used to fall in love between the sheets or strong emotions. I just ended up being used becasue it didn't matter what I felt to them, they just wanted sex. Thankfully I didn't end up with a kid and frankly, I grew up.

I can say I love you to my husband with no issue. But I have an issue telling it to my mother, grandmother etc. I know they love me but I didn't hear it growing up.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I hope I didn't upset anyone with my rant. It was more about me and my experiences than anything else, and I didn't mean to make any sort of blanket statement.

I will say this though. Yeah, it may sound great that I don't mistake sex for love, but I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum so to speak (which is problematic as well), which means that in my mind, sex and love can't....or rather don't co-exist. I know it's partially self-hatred, partially being jaded (blah blah blah all guys want is sex...which I don't honestly believe but use as a defense). I wish they could co-exist in my world but right now they can't. It's mind blowing to think that sex can mean love yet forcing sexual acts can practically destroy someone. This is the grey area that is unsafe just as discussed in @jess_trustno1 's thread. This wasn't processed or dealt with when I was in trauma therapy. I honestly don't think it could have been dealt with outside of any sort of relationship. But, I am now open to changing my mindset. I don't want to think this way. I don't like thinking this way. I hope there's still the possibility of changing my beliefs about sex because I know that if I don't change, it will make relationships difficult.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@Solara If your worry is a bit at me: You didn't upset me at all. You just made me think, which I enjoy doing! :)

 

[J_trustno1]

It is very true what @Solara has said. I fell for guys who found me emotionally vulnerable. However, I was lucky enough not to give into sex because I have always felt that sex and love cannot co-exist. I always felt if the guy loved me he will not force this onto me instead he will give me his time and words without expecting anything in return. Lot of us females believe that if a guy is nice to us then he must love us but his actions tell a lot about him. I have always fallen for the wrong types of guys but him talking me into sex or his behavior towards me (i.e. ignoring me and giving me doormat treatment) was just enough to let me know that he isn't worth my time. I felt upset but I walked out safe without being used. It took me months to get over a person or even years but self-respect has always been my priority. I have always suffered from low-self esteem and lack of confidence because of the way I grew up but I had this self pride that lead into the person I am today.


I hope I've answered the question.

 

[fly away home]

@Solara and @jess_trustno1 Thank you for your honesty. It seems that having choice take from our physical bodies sends us to either end of the spectrum with our perception of love and how we express it. No judgements just an observation. Sexually I keep going back for more thinking it is the only way people communicate their love and you have probably taken the safer path by building a barrier. Either way we are all vulnerable to this love thing and is potency.

 

[fly away home]

I've been thinking.....

I spoke these words to someone whom I thought I would never lose love for but I did.

I did not speek these words to someone i cannot lose love for, at a point when they should have been said.

This is why I feel like I've got it all wrong.