I Love You... Does Anyone Struggle With This?

[J_trustno1]

@fly away home : exactly. They are two different spectrums. I admit I have stronger barriers. Every time I had feelings for someone they actually weren't the right ones, thus proved me right about what men are about. I have always had a fear of the male species, most likely due to all that abuse I suppose. Whenever my trust was broken, I blamed myself. I had this guilt in me that guilt: why the hell did I ever trust such a loser? Couldn't I see this persons intentions before hand?

However, I have learned that it wasn't actually my fault. It was mainly my emotions getting in the way. I was looking emotional support and time which I craved at home but never received. Therefore I was looking for it outside but whenever I came to know that I am just putting myself into more shit then I moved out of it. Now I have realised that I will not fall into someones sweet talks and I will not chase after a guy. If he needs me, he will: (a) have to respect me, (b) my friend, (c) accept me for who I am and (d) built trust in me. I'm no longer going for a short in any future relationships. Too bad if I live in celibacy.

 

[J_trustno1]

@fly away home : things happen. We get our hearts broken by people. But the most important thing is the lesson you have learned from that relationship. Is that the treatment you want from someone? I know saying, "I love you" to someone is the most difficult thing but only say it when your heart says. You don't have to prove anything to anyone and go with what makes you comfortable until you are ready.

Lastly, don't feel guilty of your actions. It is the guilt that makes us feel low and worthless. You need to start becoming your own friend and see what makes you happy. It might sound selfish but it is okay to be like that especially if you are new to yourself.

 

[fly away home]

@fly away home : ....I know saying, "I love you" to someone is the most difficult thing but only say it when your heart says. You don't have to prove anything to anyone and go with what makes you comfortable until you are ready.

Lastly, don't feel guilty of your actions. It is the guilt that makes us feel low and worthless. You need to start becoming your own friend and see what makes you happy. It might sound selfish but it is okay to be like that especially if you are new to yourself.

Wise wise words jess, thank you.

 

[J_trustno1]

@fly away home : your welcome. I hope you're feeling better now. Whatever that has happened in the past was not your fault actually. It was the circumstances then. Plus how you grew up made it difficult for you to express yourself. But don't blame yourself. It isn't your fault.

 

[bell]

For me, I really don't understand the words. When they're spoken I have to take some serious time out in order to think about them, asking myself, "is this person showing me that they love me with their actions and their words?" " Do I feel love for them?" And only then can I understand and let them penetrate my walls. It makes me feel pathetic, though, so sometimes hearing "I love you" creates a kneejerk reaction in me that immediately says "no you don't," because of all the times it's been said by people as manipulation. Hearing nice things makes me truly see the walls I've built, so sometimes, sadly, something beautiful is turned into something much less so... until I've had the time to fully process them.

 

[fly away home]

@bell I have the same problem with most emotions. I have to take a day for them to digest before I actually feel them. Before I know how I feel about anything I need time. Hours at the least. Usually need to sleep on it. Someone will offend me but I have no idea until the next day or perhaps someone else points out that I should be offended then I have to consider if I am.

It is a sad thing to say but I am relieved that I am not alone in finding these words and the whole communication thing challenging.

 

[Dendrite]

Some things I've learnt over the decades, since the 1960s.

Love is a state of being, its not an emotion. Learning to encounter love in its natural state, will help us heal. Love can be experienced through mindfulness and self care.

Emotions can be wonderful, they can also be painful and they are not love. They are seasonal changes that we all encounter. They can be associated with very loving moments but love itself is a state of being.Love is a natural state that all humans are born with but it can get quite tainted or diluted.


A good metaphor. Above the clouds the sun always shines. Its love, kindness, or whatever description suits you. You could call the clouds our 'negative' emotions, our distracting thoughts, anything that may be preventing the sun from fully shining through. This is understandable for people like us to have a lot of things that prevent a strong flow of love into our lives. Its also very common in modern society to be very distracted from the natural process of love and compassion. We all have problems encountering the natural state of love.

A wonderful way to encounter love (you may prefer the word kindness or compassion) is self care through mindfullness , self massage, affirmations, exercise etc.

A wonderful book called The Brain that Changes Itself reminds us that modern neuroscience has proven that we can very deeply grow and heal from all sorts of traumas if we lay down new neural pathways in our brains via self care and healthy brain function.

Its a bit like someone I know of who has to do three hours a day of physiotherapy just to function well, because they were in a serious car accident. I have to do two to three hours a day of self care, to function well, due to the nature of my PTSD stories.

Its hard work, setting aside three hours a day for self care but for me it has made me much happier and healthier. Its really worth the effort and my brain is gradually changing as I lay down new neural pathways through healthier thinking and behaviour.

 

[fly away home]

Thanks @Dendrite I can see where my problem is. From what you have explained, love is about self. I don't actually feel a sense of self. I don't know myself. I have tried to write a list of who I am. I am a mother is about as far as it gets. (This would be the positive list, the negative list meanders down the hall way and out the door).

So when (if) you say I love you to your wife, what does that mean? Does the statement evoke strong feelings for you? Or none? Do you feel it is an expression of feeling towards her or is it a comment on your own state of being? Do you feel emotion attached to the verbalising of these words and also how does hearing these words affect you?

What are loving relationships? What is loving another person if love is about self?

 

[Dendrite]

Maybe you are not recognising that you actually feel a sense of self? That you do know yourself to some extent? If you did not know yourself at all or had no sense of self, you would not even be aware that you are breathing or can see things in nature, or look at your child and recognise them as your child. If you had no sense of self, you wouldnt be aware of your suffering. The voice of abuse in all of us likes to make absolute comments about us, to make us feel immobile and worthless. It wants us to be defined by our abuse stories, its like a trick on our minds. Of course, I have this too.

You see, if you recognise that you do have some sense of self, been it not as much as you like, you then have to recognise that you are more than just a PTSD sufferer. This is a bit scary (just ask me!) as you and I then have to take responsibility for nurturing that sense of self we have observed, even if its only a small awareness.

Even one tiny flower (sense of self) in a garden of weeds can fill that garden, if the weeds are slowly removed. Do you know that often the weeds don't all have to be removed either, for flowers to bloom.

That's all for now, I have to get a few more things done. :)

 

[fly away home]

Thank you so much for your considered answers dendrite.

Even one tiny flower (sense of self) in a garden of weeds can fill that garden, if the weeds are slowly removed. Do you know that often the weeds don't all have to be removed either, for flowers to bloom.

Working on this one.

I'm quite certain I don't love myself. I think this is what I meant by not knowing myself. I feel nothing positive about myself. I know I am a mother. That is where there is positive energy. So my term 'knowing self' is actually loving self......perhaps?

Now i see that I do have self awareness. I am aware of all the filth aware of the bits I despise aware of my self as a lie and the mask I wear. I know I breathe and I really am not very happy about that fact. I know my physical body is an uncomfortable place to reside the majority of the time.

Hence, as you say, the need for self care. If only to be a good role model to my daughter.

 

[J_trustno1]

Wow at what @Dendrite has said. This is very wise. I was feeling like this last December and even this January. But I am finally starting to see my self-worth. It is a long road but not impossible. There is sadness along the way but there are good days in between all the sadness :). Thanks for the insight @Dendrite. Thanks @fly away home for sharing this post. It actually made me think about what love actually is to me in more depth.

Thanks everyone for your comments.

Bye for now :)

 

[billie]

I said to my T the other day that I love her. The context I said it was regarding that I love her and I do like our chats but I want my pain to go away and I wwant it all to be over. In the past she has said it too in similar wording regarding healing. It took a lot to say it but I trust her and she would never take advantage or hurt me (says the adult billie!)