Relationship I Made A Mistake. Can We Ever Reconcile?

[Joel]

Ok, so I'm sure this story is not to dissimilar from many you've read but here goes. My now (ex)girlfriend and I had been together for 7 of the most wonderful months, we met by chance at a nightclub and moved quite quickly from there. Early on in the relationship she told me she had PTSD from past abuses but at the time I never fully understood how crippling it could be (I wish I found this site months ago).

Everything seemed to be going so well, if anything at times I felt like her love for me was way more intense than what I could provide. Although I know she never felt like that because she told me as much. Anyway a few weeks ago we went out with some friends, another girl appeared to be flirting with me all night although I never realised until the next day when she brought it up with me. She said I'd done nothing wrong but nevertheless she was still a little jealous, although she assured me I had nothing to worry about. A few days later after she went back to her house for the work week she messaged me saying we needed to sit down and have a big chat, I used to yell a bit for seemingly trivial reasons (note that I never yelled at her, and she admitted this to me) and she said it was a bit of a trigger for her.

Obviously being hopelessly in love with this girl I agreed to start working on the issue straight away and apologised whole heartedly for doing something out of ignorance. The next day however she messaged me saying she wanted to break up, I asked her if she'd like to come over that night so we could chat. She agreed and came over and it seemed like we reconciled. The next day however she rang me again saying she didn't have feelings for me anymore and that it was over. Wanting to reach out and be there for her I contacted her a few hours later and we had a 3 hour phone call, and again it seemed she was very receptive to the idea of trying to work things out. She said she still wasn't sure if she loved me anymore but we both agreed to try to continue to work things out. Her emotions remained up and down for the next few days, one minute she'd be cold and distant, the next she'd want all of my attention. On the Friday she went out for work drinks as she does once every month then planned to come home to me and stay the weekend as per usual. She text me that night though saying it was over and then refused to contact me. The next morning she came to pick up her stuff and told me she came to the realisation last night that she didn't love me anymore. We still couldn't manage to break off contact however and she returned to my house on the Sunday. She did reveal to me however that she slept with someone from work on the Friday night. I was happy to write that off as a reaction to a trying emotional time and didn't take it any further. Sunday was a very good afternoon with her, we were intimate and she seemed once again to be comfortable with me. That night she sent a big long message saying how appreciative she was that I'd fought so hard for us and that she truly did love me. This was the first time since everything started that she'd initiated the romantic talk, and so I truly began to believe that things would get better.

Monday was a great day, everything seemed to be back to normal, she was even sending me pictures of wedding dresses. By Tuesday however something had changed again, her mood suddenly appeared to flip and again she seemed very unsure about things. She ended up ringing me that night and telling me that she thought she was developing feelings for this guy at work. More than the sleeping with him this is what really hurt me the most. She said that again she was very unsure about where our future was, leading me too suggesting we take a few weeks apart to figure things out. She agreed.

The next day however was my birthday and she still remained adamant she wanted to see me. This is where I made the mistake, after this week and a half of constantly feeling emotionally drained and upset I made a mistake. When she came over to see me I made an off handed comment asking her how the guy from work was going. It clearly hurt her and she asked me to take her home. The next day she messaged me in the morning and broke it off.

I have since managed to gleam a little information from her, she said it really hurt her that I made a comment like that, and it proved I wasn't the person for her. She's told me it's the last memory she'll ever have of me, and nothing will change that. I know that what I said was wrong but really it was just a stupid thing that came out without thinking as a result of everything we'd been going through the past few weeks.

Basically I guess what I want to know is could the events with the girl that Saturday night have triggered something, even though she said it was fine. And will she ever be able to forgive me for the mistake I made on my birthday. I feel like I've forever tainted the best thing to happen to me with one little slip of the tongue. She's said she doesn't mind keeping the lines of communication open sporadically and does not want to block all of our contact as long as I don't bombard her, she has said though that I can send her a message on her birthday in a couple of weeks.

Furthermore about a month ago she stopped taking her medication, one of the last things I was able to get her to do before we broke up however was make another appointment to see her doctor, she's going this Sunday. Is there a chance given time and when she gets back on her medication she'll be able to forgive me. At the end of the day I was hurting too, and I know it takes a special level of emotional stability being a supporter but I just wasn't educated enough at the time to make the right decisions. Is there any fixing this?

 

[Pixielicious]

Ok, so I'm sure this story is not to dissimilar from many you've read but here goes. My now (ex)girlfriend and I had been...

Sorry to be so blunt, but I think she's manipulating you.
It would seem like she's using PTSD as a crutch to treat you like shite.
Whilst it is true that we, who do really have PTSD have problems with connecting to our emotional sides, most of us don't go round trying to manipulate others. Or lie.

 

[Mistakesman94]

Thank you for replying Pixie. Could you help me better understand why you think she's manipulating me though, nothing like this ever existed in our relationship until a couple of weeks ago. In 6 months I think we had 2 arguments and they lasted a combined total of around 15 minutes. I know every case is different but can someone help me understand why this came so out of nowhere.

 

[Tinyflame]

She slept with someone else.

 

[Pixielicious]

Thank you for replying Pixie. Could you help me better understand why you think she's manipulatin...

Like Junebug said... She slept with someone else...
And she tried to put the blame on you....
If she really loved you, she would stop playing games with your feelings instead of leading you on....You say she told you she has PTSD, but have you ever seen any Drs documents proving she actually has it?

 

[Pixielicious]

Listen, I know you're hurting deeply, because you love her. Unfortunately, it would seem that her feelings weren't or aren't as deep as yours.
But you gotta quit blaming yourself for the break up. It's not your fault she feels the way she does, and if she had any appreciation for you, she would have never slept with anyone else.
You had every right to question her, and the fact that she turned around and threw it back in your face tells me that she still has feelings for this other guy.....I know your heart is breaking and you would do ANYTHING to get her back and keep her, but, please, please, please, do not allow her or anyone else to walk all over you like this..... When Your heart stops bleeding, in the future, The Love you gave her can be given to someone else who will appreciate it......And To someone who loves you back in equal amounts....You deserve to be loved and respected too...

 

[Mistakesman94]

Thanks for the support guys. I can confirm she does have PTSD though, she has been professionally diagnosed and goes to therapy about once a month. I've also got a script in my room that she must've misplaced with her medication on it. I guess I just have to try and move on, I've told her I'll keep the lines of communication open if she ever needs to talk. I don't want to abandon her completely.

 

[Pixielicious]

You just make sure that she doesn't take you for another ride, and if, in the future you do get back with her, you're going to have to lay down some boundaries in what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship....You've got a good heart ♥ :)

 

[Mistakesman94]

Thanks for the support. I know healing takes a long time and I know eventually it will get better. I honestly thought she was the one though, and there are so many regrets on my end. Maybe if I'd educated myself earlier we wouldn't have got to this point and I wouldn't have made her feel like I couldn't protect her anymore. More than anything that's what hurts the most, that admission from her. I feel like I failed her. There's always tomorrow I suppose.

 

[Pixielicious]

Thanks for the support. I know healing takes a long time and I know eventually it will get better...

Again.... She's blaming You for her infidelity, because she's refusing to take any responsibility for what she did.
People who cheat, will always blame everyone and everything except themselves.... By the sounds of it, you tried your best, and tbh she lost a good boyfriend in you....And Yes, it'll take time to heal your broken heart..... But In the meantime, keep your eyes on the pond, there's plenty of lady fishes out there who'd want a loving guy like you.....even Your ex noticed it, unfortunately she didn't appreciate you...Most sea slugs dont....It's totally her loss :tup:

 

[EveHarrington]

I pretty much disagree with everything that's been said.

Yes, I have been through a very similar situation but without the hookup. Which I do not think was cheating as "agreeing to work on the relationship" does not equate with "we are back together and committed to one another in a monogamous relationship" unless monogamy was specifically discussed. (I'm a stickler for this stuff-----kinda like Amy in Trainwreck when her guy assumes monogamy although it was never discussed.)

I can't help but feel the advice you were given is the same as you'd receive on any relationship forum that has no insight of PTSD.

Sometimes something that seems very minor (to you) can shatter all trust. The sufferer may not even realize the trust has been broken. The sufferer deep down can feel the break (perhaps on a subconscious level), but the sufferer has feelings for her partner so they go back and forth to the partner. The mistrust returns and spikes the urge to run. (In your case the mistrust probably came from you flirting with that other woman.) Once the sufferer is away, she misses her partner while at the same time feeling safer about the relationship. This increased feeling of safety combined with feelings of missing the other person means she returns to her partner. But------once she is back in his company for too long, the mistrust returns and she pulls away/runs/pushes you away (seeing someone else) again. Rinse and repeat many times.

This is NOT manipulation. It may seem like manipulation but it is the VERY typical push/pull behavior that accompanies PTSD.

I hope to God you come back because you've been given virtually no insight into the PTSD mind and how a scenario like this plays out. IMHO.

Again, I've personally lived it so I know what I'm talking about at least on some level and won't just feed you lots of "dump her, she's manipulating you" rhetoric.

 

[Mistakesman94]

Thanks eve, I'd love to hear your input. Can I just point out though, in no way did I flirt with that girl. I didn't even realise she was all over me, I wasn't even paying attention. I'd love to hear your advice but please do not paint me like that.