General I Need A Few Words

[revelry]

I'm not he kind to really ask for help or prayers, but my dad is at the end.

He has end stage COPD and his oxegen levels are tanking and he doesnt have much time. Im the one in the family that is realistic and informs the rest of the family and does what needs to be done, but it's hard.

I take care of everyone else and, I put myself last, but I guess i'm looking for an 'atta girl'... I feel like im getting weak...... Im trying to be everything to everyone, but even though I've said my peace to my dad....I'm struggling...... I don't know how to do this....no one gives you a textbook....

I can let him go, but i don't know how to deal with the rest of the family that cant...

I'm finding it hard.

 

[mysihba]

You deserve more than 1 "atta girl". In the end, you(we,us,me) can't put ourselves last all the time. The price we pay can get huge. It's hard enough to deal with what your are going thru without having to hold up everybody else (the details are sketchy).
Perhaps, since you can "let him go", you can lay down the facts for the rest of them and suggest that they handle it all in a way that is best for "him to let go" and not make that harder for him. Put him first, which means accept what is happening, and being more concerned about his emotions/support than their own.
If you haven't, you might check out the stages of "grief".
sorry this is short and based on your limited post. As a long time "provider" I know what it is like to feel "weak". After many years, I still do, while dealing with the affects of PTSD. It may not be the same but in my line of work as well as just being that compassionate, caring person....it took me years to get to the point of saying "no". Too many of my lessons were learned too late.
In that light I urge you to do everything possible to take care of YOU and let others bear there own burdens, with your support, yes , but only up to the point you aren't completely drained.
Glad to share anything that may help.

Hang in there. Give yourself a break and a pat on the back, and permission to not be all things to all people. I'm guessing you have played that part(taking care of everyone else for a long time). If so, a recognition of that is a big first step as well as knowing that it is OK to NOT take care of everyone all the time.

I'm completely empty and feeling still....weak. We all need somebody to refill our buckets sometimes as well as learning how to stop before our bucket is empty(not easy).

You have my prayers and any support I may be able to provide.

 

[The Albatross]

I don't think I can add anything to Mysihba's post. Take this time for your self and focus on what you need to in order to square up your relationship with your dad. It's far better for you to be able to move forward... if you can find and latch onto something that will bring you some peace. It's okay to take time to rest, regroup, and take care of yourself. Encourage others to do the same.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Revelery, my heart and prayers to you.

You can only do the best you can, and the other family has to come to their own terms with it. You love them, but there's not much you can control. You can be there for them too, just be there, when you can.

And I hope you can be somewhere or with someone to be consoled yourself, too.

I am so sorry for your pain and worry and all of it- nothing and no one's death it seems can be entirely pre-grieved, no matter how ill they are. :(
(((((((((((Revelry))))))))

 

[LAA]

Revelry,

You are in my thoughts (and prayers). It is ok to feel weak...and there really isn't anything much you can do to help anyone else through this. They really do have to deal with their own grief. You can be a support to them but only if you have taken care of yourself so you have something to give. It sounds like you are running low, though, and need to take some time to focus on you and re-charge. Don't feel guilty about that. In the long run, it will benefit everyone. Try not to be too hard on yourself, you are right, there really is no textbook way to walk through what you are experiencing and it is hard no matter what you read and know.

 

[Ian Vp]

Hey Revelry,
Thinking of you and hope this message finds you well. Didnt know about your Dad. Dont know what to say, you already have a lot to deal with being the supporter of someone with PTSD so your plate is full. You have sent me messages and kind words that have lifted me and with you studying nursing it looks like you are hard wired for care and compassion. I hope for you that if you do need help from someone in your family to deal with what is going on that you ask for it. I know you said that the rest of the family are struggling with the idea of letting him go but when the time comes you might need someone to lean on too. Sending you a hug and will keep you in mind.

 

[May1321]

Hey Revelry... My heart goes out to you and lots of hope for your light to find your strength within to shine brightly.

I always receive these inspirational messages in my emails in the mornings and a strong reminder for me came in today that I thought would just be good words of strength - the life raft to help keep your mind afloat as you get lost in the hurt and frustrations you may be feeling - and it just simply said... "Give with a truly glad heart (which I believe you do) for the sole purpose of the good it will do ... whatever you give shall return to you MULTIPLIED as if on wings covered in sparkles... " The hardest part to swallow is the next piece.... "Just don't expect the beneficiary of your kindness to be the bringer of your new blessings - it happens rarely, it's not their job, and (God) knows faster ways."

I'm signed up to this thing called TUT - Notes from the Universe which is just a nice little note that is dedicated to me personally (I know, I know - it has to do with the information I inputted when I joined :rolleyes:). But it is a nice feeling to get to read these physical words that help support that invisible hug we often wish was real and coming from the ones we try so hard to love and support.

Sending you a virtual (((((((HUG))))))) from my place in the Universe :)

 

[ISupportHer]

I am so sorry to hear about this. You and your Dad and family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I don't often say I know how someone feels, but my Dad died a year ago and I feel I can identify with what you are saying. I am sure any of us would be willing to talk if you need some extra support.

ISH

 

[revelry]

Thank you all, Dad passed July 28, but they made him comfortable and went quickly. He was sooooo tired.

I supported mom and the rest of the family and said my own last goodbuy by taking his oxogen off of his face (It's been 10 years-at-least since I've seem him without it) I told him he didn't need it anymore, disconected the tubing from the wall and threw it away, along with his ByPAP mask, it felt good to throw it away, even thru the tears. It was just something I had to do.

The funeral was very nice but exhaustive, (it's like planning a wedding, the guests, the cards, the hall(funeral home), the suit, the food, etc... but you have to do it in 4 days!! lol ) But the dinner afterwards was great, lots of people came and celebrated his life. My girlfriend did all the food (she busted her but) and said "I've never been to a funeral where people laughed, told funny stories, drank shots of Loza in honor (Croation moonshine) danced a Kola (traditional Croation dance) and played accordian", but that was dad, thats how he was. I stopped for a miniute, to take it all in, and Dad would have been happy, He loved a 'house full' and people laughing and happy. :D

Im glad he's not suffering anymore, but I'm really going to miss him, He was such a character....lol :):cry:

Thank you all for your kind words , Sometimes we're tough, but sometimes....never tough enough, and your words meant (and still mean) so much.:notworthy:

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

 

[amethist]

Amethist

 

[May1321]

((((((HUGS)))))))

 

[ISupportHer]

Your story of your last moments with him bring a tear to my eye. I know it's hard but I really think it is an honor, if that's the right word, to be with a loved one at the time of their death. A closing moment and so much better than their passing alone or with hospital staff they didn't know. My Dad died as family told him how much we loved him.

ISH