I Need A Suffers Opinion!

[Vickym]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a 1 1/2 years. He has talked about moving out before then never did. Now he wants to move out for the summer. But not move out fully. He wants to leave the majority of his stuff here. He also wants to stay here unless he is having a bad day.

My bf hasn't accepted who he is with ptsd and tbi yet. He still needs to heal some things. We both have kids my 13 year old has been a challenge lately ugh. This has been causing my bf stress.

This is one of the reason he is looking for some kind of break. I guess my question is if he can't handle it now is he going to be able to handle it when he lives here again in the fall.

Im so confused. He says he loves me and wants us to be us again. My hang up about this is, is this another step to ending our relationship? Im just confused and he has no support which means I have none other than the forum. And I can't just ask anyone I need to ask someone that understands ptsd.

 

[patrick]

Every woman in my life has reminded me at some point of something stupid I have said in the past, and I always end up having to eat crow and say, "Yeah, I meant it when I said it, but I don't feel that way now." I never knew what the hell I wanted, or what I wanted to do. One day one thing seemed like a good idea and the next day a completely different thing made sense to me. From where I'm sitting right now, it's impossible to say what this means to your relationship. If you still want to be with him, I would recommend making sure you are getting as clear as possible with him. Talk about stuff with him. Tell him what you need and want from him and see if he is willing or able to give that to you. He survived what ever caused the PTSD and TBI, so he should be able to survive a little clarity and honesty in your relationship.

Be ready to negotiate and compromise with him, but the bottom line is you need to take care of yourself. Nobody else will. Try to figure out what you can live with and what you can't and then try be strong and true to yourself. I think some of us PTSD sufferers would like the whole world to accommodate to our needs, but it just doesn't happen that way in the real world. In my opinion, relationships are worth a lot of effort, but they just can't be happy if one party is making all the sacrifice for the benefit of the other.

I wish you the best and hope that you can come to an understanding soon.

Pat

 

[Claire]

What Pat said...and

is he moving out just to get some peace from your teenager? Is it a coping strategy? Could you suggest some way were he could escape from the stress of that situation without actually leaving? Eg. he goes a sits in the garden or somewhere where he can get away from it?

It might be a way of him managing the stress that he currently feels overloaded by. If you can think what that is, can you all work out ways to reduce it?

 

[Vickym]

Patrick and Claire,

Thank you for your replies. My bf is the in the moment, in the now kind of guy. Your right that everything is what he wants now never the long term affect these choice he makes have. I have always had to be the one to reel him back in on certain things.

I have tried talking to him and explaining the effect this is going to have on us, the kids, and financially. He listens but it takes time for him to understand. At first he was leaving completely, now he want to be here and there. Is he doing that because he feels bad or because he thought it through?

He is trying to heal and eliminate some stress. Unfortunatley for us he has choosen us of his other current stress. He loves the water and being on the boat I believe thats why he has choosen to rent a small apartment at the lake. I have to admit water and sun sets are calming.

I agree with the fact that it can't be just one person putting into the relationship and I really feel I have put my all into this. I guess that would be why I feel hurt. If he would only open back up to me it would be so much better. He is afraid of being hurt so he backs away. Only now I am the one hurt.

Patrick he served 2 tours in Iraq until and IED went off.

 

[patrick]

Is he getting any help for the PTSD? Has the VA given him an official diagnosis for PTSD? If he was last in Iraq less than three years ago, he can go to a storefront Vet Center for free help. Maybe even longer is he was in a war zone. They are set up by the VA in most cities just for the purpose of helping vets readjust to civilian life. The one I go to in Tacoma has several therapists trained in working with trauma. I also get help from the regular VA hospital. It has all made a tremendous difference for me.

You are absolutely right that he is afraid of being hurt, and he sees lmost everything as a potential IED. And if he's anything like me he feels a push/pull about living with anyone. There is a lot less potential for hurt when you don't depend on anybody for anything. His apartment is his bunker, where he can hole up for a little safety. If he isn't getting help to recover, it is likely he will get worse with time.

Good luck to you.

Pat

 

[Claire]

I think you need to try and remember this isn't necessarily anything to do with you (I mean that in a good way). PTSD makes people behave selfishly. His needs are what are primary to his actions. Its a survival technique. Like Patrick says his apartment is where he feels safe. Life is more simple.

Uncontrolled PTSD makes people need very basic things. They need these things above everything and everyone else. Think basic survival, before everything else he needs to feel safe. Safety, shelter, food. Really basic stuff. I think you could liken it to a baby.

By trying to make him appreciate what his leaving means for you and the family is actually increasing the stress when he is trying to reduce it. I realise this is a very difficult situation though. The best thing to do, if you can, is support him and encourage him to seek help.

 

[Vickym]

He does go to the Va and has as long as I have known him. The problem is he goes for a period of time things start looking up for him so he starts skipping out on appt.

When I try to tell him thats not a good idea I get the whole I didn't know you had a phd line.

I'm getting to the point where I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I have been too nice and let him push and pull me too much.

He was supposed to go to a 5 day treatment center but had to cancel and didn't reschedule. We used to go to weekly counceling but he ended that back in January. Everything starts out good then he bails on all of it. Now he is supposed to be going to a place in Colorado for five days.

I just want whats best for him and all of us. Only I don't know what that is anymore. I'm not even sure if thats me for him. He expects me to just know.

And yes I do feel at times and I'm just being honest as a carer that ptsd makes a person selfish. He himself may not mean to be selfish but the ptsd seems to have that effect. I often wonder at times if I have the Va to thank also because they tell him he is number 1 and to worry about himself first. I guess thats great if you have no kids, wife, girlfriend, ect. but what about when you do?

 

[Vickym]

I don't know what to do anymore. My bf has made it so no one from the Va is able to talk to me anymore. I don't understand what is going on.

I think his depression med needs to be changed. He has been more depressed and sits in his chair with his blanket over his head. He can't handle any sort of stress.

Im very concerned at this point with his well being. I text his nurse today to express my concerns. She cant talk to me but atleast I can tell her what I'm seeing. Why would he do this to me and us. He had a lady from the Va call me a few weeks back now she wont even return my calls. She was supposed to supply me with names and number of support groups. I dont understand.

One minute he was moving out the next he wanted to stay because he realized the stress the finacial strain would bring to both of us. Then today he was talking about going again.

I asked him flat out if he wanted to end our relationship and he said no. Then why cut me off from everyone. I'm doing all I can to help I told him to go stay a the Va for a couple of days. Everything is negative right know. He wont even go to counceling appt.

Any advise?

Vicky

 

[2quilt]

He may be following advice from the VA people because of the federal HIPPA laws (private medical information not to be shared with anyone, even spouses) over the phone because they really can't verify exactly who is on the phone. It may not be a personal affront.

 

[supergirl]

Vickym,

I am sorry for all you are going through. I wish I had some advice I could give you. But please know I am sending you hugs.

SG

 

[Vickym]

Thanks supergirl right now I need all the hugs I can get!

Things are just getting worse. There is nothing I can do or say at this point that is even making sence to him. He says whats the point in going to appt. he feels they dont help anyway.

When they do! What happens is he starts off going and as soon as things get better or someone makes him mad he stops. Things will be ok even great then something triggers the downfall.

I feel like no body anymore. I feel like there is no connection and only wish I could have it back.

In the begining things were great not so much anymore. So much has happend in his family that depression has just gotten worse for him.

Sometimes he gets mad at me because I care about him, he says no one has ever cared before so he doesn't know how to take it.

He even picks pieces of conversations we have had and takes them out of context making it seem like I said something I didn't say.

He backed out of the trip again he was supposed to leave Monday. But someone talked to him about the swine flu now he wont fly. I can't help him he needs to help himself. I don't even feel like he wants me around anymore.