General I Need Advice On Intimacy

[Kathia]

I need help with something, he's not interested in sex but will visit a sex site regularly .

We live in different cites and I haven't seen him in 5 weeks. I'll text him and he won't response but he'll post on Facebook. He says he can't because he has a bad signal but that is such crap. I feel like if I don't reach out he wont .Everything is about him. He says he loves me but we have no intimacy.

I haven't been held in five months or kissed. I'm ok without sex but he says he will call me later but never does. He never keeps us word. I feel like I love this man but it's driving me crazy.

No he's not gotten help.

Will this nightmare ever end.

 

[ProudWife99]

Will this nightmare ever end.

Not without a complete change in him. I'm sorry he is hurting you so much and I can't imagine hearing that makes it any better, but in my experience, it is the truth.

PTSD is a disorder with some nasty symptoms and side effects. However, it does not excuse poor communication and untrustworthy behavior. It may explain some of it sometimes, but it does not have to be a regular occurrence. If my husband didn't give everything he had to making me happy when he was capable of it, I would not be able to love him through it when he isn't.

Even if you set the intimacy side away for a moment, his behavior does not demonstrate an effort to really reach out and work with you. It demonstrates someone who has little interest in meeting the needs of their partner emotionally. PTSD or not, a healthy relationship these factors do not make.

Searching out websites will abstaining from intimate behavior with you, however, is not so strange. The closeness it takes to be physical with someone can be overwhelming. It may not be the release he has no interest in, but the closeness with another person.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Because I am a sufferer and not a supporter I wont go to far. I will just point out the basics.

Every relationship needs some basic things. It needs respect, trustworthiness and some measure of warmth. And of course respect of boundary lines.

I do notice that intimacy seems to be a regular problem with PTSD sufferers, I think given how PTSD messes with you and changes you this is pretty normal. Of course, this can be worked on with therapy and can return to normal. However, seeking out others and the way is acting is not.

There are some great threads about this...

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/it-takes-more-than-love.9032/[/DLMURL]

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/should-i-stay-or-should-i-go-a-reality-check.4997/[/DLMURL]

Take care.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Kathia,

It sounds as if you are really hurting over this man and I feel bad for both of you.

Sad as it may be, and you may not want to hear this, in my experience unless the sufferer seeks help and takes an active role in their healing, he won't get any better.

PTSD may cause him to isolate, to shun intemacy, to be emotionally unavailable (the list goes on) but is not an excuse for hurtful of abusive behaviour.

I have deep concerns for your wellbeing, you need to take care of yourself and think long and hard how you plan to move forward. How will you respond if he refuses to get help?

 

[BigBear]

...he's not interested in sex but will visit a sex site regularly

What I think I hear you saying here is that he wants (at least) naked pictures of other women but not of you. Houston, I think we may have a problem here. Unsound! Potentially BAD.

I'll text him and he won't response but hell post on Facebook.

No interest in a two way conversation. Only speaks at people and not to people.

I know it's not something that you should tell me (and I invite you not to) but does he write back and forth on his sex sites. If he does, you can strike the "may" in "we may have a problem".

Honestly, this reeks of a person who can't have a relationship at this time. I think that completely suspending any thought of a "relationship" until he is on the road to some kind of recovery (perhaps helping him move that way) is about the best that you can do now.

I know that what I have said here must hurt. Trust me, I've been there. But I really have to be honest!

Bear

 

[Taven Carlsen]

Honestly, this reeks of a person who can't have a relationship at this time. I think that completely suspending any thought of a "relationship" until he is on the road to some kind of recovery (perhaps helping him move that way) is about the best that you can do now.

This. Kathia, is he trying to work his way back to mental health? Having tried and failed I know how hard I've been to put up with. But not even trying would be another matter.

 

[JohnJohn]

Kathia,

Hang in there. My loved one is having no sexual interest in me either. She moved out and I have not been close to her or another for over six months. Now from a guy's perspective that is massive frustration, especially since I am the primary caretaker for our child while she is sorting things out.

Recently she finally told me being intimate felt like being rapped. I then linked our sexual issue and her withdraw to her first husband that abused her. She still has not told me about her abuse and she reluctantly is seeking domestic counselling.

I feel trauma effects everyone differently. I believe that sex for males and females invoke different emotional feelings. Sex is definitely a controlling issue. Either way you look at this situation I feel certain there is more to problem at hand. Your man may not be able to say why he has the sexual feelings that he has.

One thing that I have learned being a supporter is that we should not draw conclusions or infer our sufferer's feelings or thoughts based upon behavior alone. I know it is frustrating when they don't tell us what is going on, but it can lead to a worse place when we infer things based upon actions alone.

I hope this and other above threads help you out. Hang in there the answers are out there and they are not always what we immediately see.

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Perhaps he knows that you need the intimacy, but he is in "survival" mode. He may not have any sexual feelings at all, and thats not his fault. Sex is the last thing on anyone's mind during "fight or flight" mode. Perhaps he is visiting the sex-sites to try and stir up some of the old feelings he used to have? Perhaps he thinks it may stimulate him into having those sorts of feelings again?

 

[Kathia]

Well here is a litte update. It's still hard to have intimacy. I find myself still walking on egg shells. We have seen each other super briefly. The test will be this week for our birthday. He still can't articulate how he feels about me. He can be fun around others but not me. He at least is working on his career again. I've been trying to be patient and have supporting him financially while he waits for his military pay. He can say I love you but there is no motivation to show he cares. He gets defensive anytime we talk about us. Tonight he asked me why I question him and I told him. I was also positive by saying that. I get that he needs more time. He said his usual response IDK I don't know and said nothing else. We take two steps forward and six back. God give me strength.