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Dom Violence I need advice!

  • Post starter Post starter LuLu
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LuLu

On Thursday night, I visited my boyfriend at his house, things went great and we were having a good time watching our favorite show together. It was getting late and I decided to head home, we had made an agreement before I had come over that his roommate would be giving me a ride home since I am without a car right now. Unbeknownst to me his roommate had left shortly after I had gotten there and was gone for the night. He offered for me to sleep on the couch as he only has a single bed as of right now and it's incredibly uncomfortable for us to both be sleeping on it. I had traumatic experience back in college where I had been sleeping on a friend's sofa and her apartment had been broken into that night and I was raped. So now I am very uncomfortable and anxious when I sleep at unfamiliar places. I insisted that he at least lay with me until I fell asleep but he refused and told me he was tired and going to bed. As I laid on the couch for about an hour , my anxiety got the best of me. My thoughts could not stop racing and my body felt in panic. I walked into his room and asked if I could lay with him and he flew off the handle, he got up from his bed to where I was standing and pushed me as hard as he could out of his room and slammed the door in my face. I pleaded with him to just let me use his phone to call my mother so she could pick me up as I had left my phone at home by accident because I had left in a hurry while going to his house but he refused and this seemed to set him off more, he then took me by my arms as hard as he possibly could and slammed me back onto the couch and by that time I was crying uncontrollably and was trying to free myself from his grip, he began saying that he wanted to kill me and bury me in the backyard and that he was going to go to prison that night. I finally was able to free myself and left the house at 3am in the morning with only a t shirt and boxers. I ended up walking 11 miles barefoot across town back to my house. I haven't been able to stop crying since, my whole body aches and I don't know how I'm going to be able to cope with this. I need advice because I don't know how I'm going to make it though this. I loved this man, in the 7 months we were together I have never disrespected him , Ive financially supported him the 4 of the 7 months to help him get back onto his feet after losing his job. I did everything i possibly could for this man, how could he do this to me? I'm so lost.
 
Um... wow. Was he inebriated in some way? His reaction seems totally out of left field.

This is unacceptable... kill you and bury you in the backyard? Push you? Grab you? I think you need to leave this guy alone. Something's wrong and its not your job to figure it out or fix it. You've already tried to fix things for him (job loss etc).

Protect yourself. Honor yourself. Get out.
 
Hi Lulu,

I don't know your full situation, but his behaviour is definitely not acceptable. Sounds like he has some serious mental issues. Focus on taking care of yourself right now. Reach out to people you can trust. Protect yourself and don't feel guilty.
 
How could he do this? He's an abusive azzhole that's how.

Stay away from him! Block all contact. Do not engage with him ever again!!

He will become more violent. IMO
He showed his true colors.

So, what are you going to do or not do?
 
What @leehalf said: he's an abusive asshole.

in the 7 months we were together I have never disrespected him
^^^
This piece right here? Is where you're starting to blame yourself for HIS choices & actions. Stop that. Truly.

If you've never dated an abusive POS before? That's the very first lesson to take away from it. Unlike normal/healthy relationships where there is cause & effect, abuse flows one way, and NOTHING justifies it. Looking for reasons "why" he did it, or what you may have done to prompt it? Is a recipe for disaster. He had 1,000 different choices he could have made, instead of the ones he did, and those were the choices HE made. Not because you didn't ABCXYZ. But because HE chose to.

The second lesson to take away? IS how normal/wonderful/etc. they are the rest of the time. Almost no one brushes their teeth villainously. Most abusers are perfectly wonderful people 99% of the time. It's the choices they make in that 1% of the time that define them as abusive. It's a very hard thing to see inside of a relationship, because the other 99% gets in the way, yet it's plain as day for everyone outside of the relationship. Which is a tip/trick to use. If you had a friend whose boyfriend did this to them? That would be the end of it, yes? Just like if you had a friend whose otherwise lovely boyfriend hauled off and smacked them across the face at the county fair? 1 action. 1 decision. = Enough. It's really, really hard to see that from the inside. Most people blame themselves, instead, and try again. (Oh, he was tired, stressed, I should have known better, I shouldn't have bothered them, he he he excuse excuse excuse, my fault, my fault, my fault)... And things will be good for awhile. Until the next time. And the next. And the next. The cycle of abuse has a name for a reason.
 
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