I Need Help Finding My Voice

scout86

MyPTSD Pro
I am not sure why I have had so much trouble with standing up for myself
That's probably worth seriously thinking about. I'm sure there's a reason and it might be helpful to know what it is.

For me? I was kind of raised to believe "silence is golden, but sometimes invisibility is better". I didn't feel very welcome as a child. I always seemed to be a bother, and i knew i needed a roof over my head for awhile, so i didn't want rock boat. Beyond that, I have a tendency to believe people don't actually like ME, they like what i can do for them, so I'd better what they want, and not rock boat, if I want any friends.

Of course, most of that isn't always accurate. I have to remind myself of that. Even then, I'm not quite sure where the line is between "accurate" and "not accurate".

I hope things go smoothly and you get your money back! (And good going with your niece. The best thing you can teach her is how to manage her own money.)
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you @scout86

I am going to take your advice and ask for my money tonight. It may be awkward at first but it is better than letting resentment build up when I can take some positive action. It may just be a small amount of money, but it is my money (and I want it now).

Also, my niece who has been hounding me to borrow money (all the time), finally got told. I stood up for myself and told her no then I explained why she needed to stop asking me for money and learn to budget the money she makes. She receives the same amount of money that I do so why should I be the one to always bail her out? Besides she has a bad track record of never paying me back. She knows I have a big heart and she has taken advantage of my good nature, but no more as I finally put a stop to it. I feel really proud of myself for that. As I used to loan her money and then regret it.

I don't really understand and I am not sure why I have had so much trouble with standing up for myself and for asking for what I want/need, but I am hopefully breaking out of that now (a little at a time).

Thank you to everyone who has responded to this thread. Even tho it makes me uncomfortable to confront others, hopefully, I am on the right path now.
2 years ago, and forever prior to that, I had the personality of "I'm doing the right thing by helping people who screwed themselves over financially or otherwise." You know, helping is a good thing, but when it is expected....it's enabling. After bailing my daughter out numerous times thinking I was helping, a daughter whom I love dearly, I realized that I have done her harm.....I have enabled her to feel entitled....I fed into the need....and created an expectation. I wish I hadn't....and I don't see her anymore. I guess when I told her I couldn't bail her out anymore.....I was a nobody, and she's been indifferent and doesn't make contact with me ever since. Wish I'd known better, but I didn't. I had to stand up to her cause I couldn't keep supporting her failure to budget and keep up with the important things in life.
 

Warrior Chicken

MyPTSD Pro
Thanks @Lionheart777

I’ll try to give brief background, but I know that I’m not using my logic brain on this so it might come off weird.

Other night I’m back from T, and long day at work. Tired. Also probably fed into all this. Was not concentrating when I left in the morning, and forgot to close the balcony door. Cat got into the bedroom and peed on the bed.
I walk in and my supporter is doing the laundry and says he punished the cat already. I know one of my things is when others suffer as a result of something I’ve done wrong, so brain goes there.
Anyhow, I try to explain that what cat did is not malicious and there’s reason for it. Supporter says ignore cat, he needs to know what he did. This is hours later.....2 days later, supporter is still putting cat in the penalty box.

I don’t blame supporter, there’s other stuff going on that stresses him out and I do understand. Whether the reaction is not accurate, I still get it. He hasn’t harmed the cat at all, cat is safe.

So, this is my issue.....if supporter isn’t willing to research why cat peed, and try to use compassion and care rather than punish. What happens if I slip and can’t completely control my symptoms and do something he doesn’t understand. If he won’t research cat behaviour, will he research ptsd? Or do I get punished too?

I don’t know if it’s even worth addressing and if it is, no idea how to discuss it with supporter.
 

Lionheart

MyPTSD Pro
I don't really have any suggestions for you @Warrior Chicken so I will let others chime in with their thoughts about it. Hopefully someone with success in their relationships with others (supporters). I have been single for 20 years and have had some unhappy relationships in the past and did not have the support of my last girlfriend.so I am not the best person to ask. If you don't get any replies here you may want to consider beginning another thread to address the situation. At any rate, I wish you luck.
 
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I'm no shining light for relationships either but.... so some observations from afar....

What happens if I slip and can’t completely control my symptoms and do something he doesn’t understand. If he won’t research cat behaviour, will he research ptsd? Or do I get punished too?

^You are not a cat and I'm hoping you don't climb through windows and pee on beds either.

The issue of doing research as to why the cat does what it does isn't related to you slipping up and having a ptsd moment.

The cat is never going to have a conscience and maybe it can be trained out of it's problem or maybe not... which I might add isn't a problem for the cat. It's just doing what it likes to do.

On the other hand you are hopefully working on your ptsd problems yourself.

Researching ptsd is not his responsibility. Might be yours though...

What kind of punishment do you think he can or is likely to hand out to you?

You managing your ptsd moments is not his problem, they are yours. Though of course ideally it would be good if he tried to understand what and why your ptsd impacts the relationship. But again still your problem.

In any case try not to judge him being cheesed off with a cat pissing on a bed and then conflating it out to your relationship. That's a stretch.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
Thanks @Lionheart777

I’ll try to give brief background, but I know that I’m not using my logic brain on this so it might come off weird.

Other night I’m back from T, and long day at work. Tired. Also probably fed into all this. Was not concentrating when I left in the morning, and forgot to close the balcony door. Cat got into the bedroom and peed on the bed.
I walk in and my supporter is doing the laundry and says he punished the cat already. I know one of my things is when others suffer as a result of something I’ve done wrong, so brain goes there.
Anyhow, I try to explain that what cat did is not malicious and there’s reason for it. Supporter says ignore cat, he needs to know what he did. This is hours later.....2 days later, supporter is still putting cat in the penalty box.

I don’t blame supporter, there’s other stuff going on that stresses him out and I do understand. Whether the reaction is not accurate, I still get it. He hasn’t harmed the cat at all, cat is safe.

So, this is my issue.....if supporter isn’t willing to research why cat peed, and try to use compassion and care rather than punish. What happens if I slip and can’t completely control my symptoms and do something he doesn’t understand. If he won’t research cat behaviour, will he research ptsd? Or do I get punished too?

I don’t know if it’s even worth addressing and if it is, no idea how to discuss it with supporter.

First, whats the penalty box? Outside?

You aren't a cat, so I'm thinking you aren't making a fair comparison. I have 2 cats...if either one of my cat's peed on the bed....I'd have .no tolerance cause that's my space, and it's disgusting, and I'd say "outside you go". It's a cat, it is used to peeing in the grass, and if it's not hitting the pan.....sorry, but I'm not going to clean up after kitty pee......when it starts happening all over the house, it becomes a nasty disgusting stinky habit. So, my cats know if they miss, they are out for a day.

If the peeing behavior is unusual for the cat.....maybe I'd take a vet trip.....maybe not....probably just monitor my bed and look around the house with a black light to see if I've been missing kitty potty puddles on the carpet or elsewhere. Has it been happening and this wasn't the first time? Does your cat have emotional issues or is it new to the house? My cat came untrained ......With that said, why aren't you researching with your husband instead of putting it all on him?

Secondly, do you expect to be treated like you would your cat who peed on the bed? I love both of my cats, but I treat my friends better. You trust your husband? That's the key.....have you educated him on PTSD? Is he empathetic when you get sick? Is your bond with your husband stronger than your bond with the cat? (Don't take offense....my X-husband's bond was stronger with his cat than with me when it came to issues in general). If you are on solid ground relationship-wise, I wouldn't worry-if not, you might want to start communicating. Is this concern a form of projecting (worrying about something that might never happen?)
 

Warrior Chicken

MyPTSD Pro
Thanks both for your perspective. Sure there’s a lot more to it than what I tried to convey in summary.

I’d say that it’s an over-reaction on my part. I’ll leave it alone, cuz you’re both right. I’m not a cat.
 

Cypress

Confident
Ok I'll have a go at this. What is the actual issue? Is it that he is treating the cat unfairly, judging the cat for something that the cat could not control? That could be triggering if you were a kid who was punished severely for things you didn't do or couldn't control. Or are you worried that the cat has a condition that is being ignored because the supporter is too pissed off to care about cat welfare. Also triggering if you were a neglected child.

I had a somewhat similar situation where I over-identified with my dog. My ex put her in the crate for sh*tting on the rug, she started whining and I freaked out. It triggered memories of being locked up as kid for things I could not control. I lacked insight at the time and we got into a vicious battle over it. Later on I realized what it was all about and told my ex. He said "that is totally f*cked up, you are not a dog." Not very sensitive but true nonetheless.

So, maybe leave it alone if you think he might not be sensitive. Wish I could be more helpful.
 

unbrokenn

Confident
I used to have so much trouble with this too so believe me you are not alone. I have always been a big writer so what I did was write down what I wanted and slowly wrote how I could communicate this in a constructive clear way, practiced it on someone I trusted or with myself, and then just swallowed the anxiety one day and did it. Usually it went well. It does if they’re good people that care. If not, then good, they’re people who don’t deserve you and you shouldn’t waste time or anxiety on them because you’re better than that.
 

Warrior Chicken

MyPTSD Pro
@Cypress i thought about what you wrote....

What is the actual issue? Is it that he is treating the cat unfairly, judging the cat for something that the cat could not control?

It’s that, the cat behaved in a way that it needed to. Yes, that behaviour pisses (no pun intended ?) me off too because it’s our bedroom and neither of us wants to sleep on cat piss, it’s nasty!
It’s how my supporter dealt with it, and it’s ME that had a reaction to that. The reaction I had was based on the past and centred on being punished for things either out of my control, or not carried out by me. It’s also linked to someone/something else suffering because of me.

My supporter didn’t do anything wrong, my reaction to what he did was wrong....but it was my reaction and I’m trying to comprehend it and why.

I’m also trying to learn how to express things rather than keep them inside. The forum helps me with that a lot. It’s gonna take lots of practice though.
 
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