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I Need Help Finding My Voice

Thread starter #49
Although it has been almost a year since I last wrote in this thread, I still need help with accessing and using my voice when I need to stand up for myself.

I am going to make it a point to address this in therapy in the near future. As a matter of fact, it is time I take a little inventory of the symptoms that are most prevalent in my life right now and start a new "to-do" list for my therapy focus.

I touched on the subject of finding my voice, briefly one day with my "T" and she asked me what I was afraid was going to happen if I stood up for myself? I guess answering that question will be my starting point.
 
Thread starter #50
What am I afraid of if I stand up for myself???
I am afraid of violent physical confrontation, being yelled at, cursed, hit etc. ; the way my mom and dad would fight when I was really young and I had no boundaries to stop the pain from going straight to my solar plexus.

I suppose I am no longer a child amongst fighting adults, plus I have no way to know what will happen if I stand up for myself. Perhaps that scares me as well.
 
#51
I have this problem too. One time I was fed up with the way my primary care physician was treating me and was determined to find s new one. When i called to cancel my upcoming appointment, and did not want to reschedule it, they put this pushy nasty nurse on the line who used various tactics to try to keep me going to that provider. I'm surprised they didn't ask me what was wrong, but they didn't. Anyway, badger nurse was harassing me over the phone and I could only squeak out the tiniest word to dismiss myself from their clutches. I succeeded, but I felt as if I'd escaped from a battle of some kind. I'm glad I succeeded though. I think I found the beginnings of my voice that day.

Good luck to you with this, Lion, go get 'm!
 
#52
What am I afraid of if I stand up for myself???
I am afraid of violent physical confrontation, being yelled at, cursed, hit etc. ; the way my mom and dad would fight when I was really young and I had no boundaries to stop the pain from going straight to my solar plexus.

I suppose I am no longer a child amongst fighting adults, plus I have no way to know what will happen if I stand up for myself. Perhaps that scares me as well.
When I lost my voice, I was not able to stand up for myself, I really lost my voice. I could't sing anymore. When I left the chaos, I practiced singing......to songs that made me feel good. It took a year to find my voice, but with that, I became more confident and was able to voice my opinion more succinctly and directly. I started singing songs that gave me confidence......and in my home.....I sang loud. I still do, and find singing......a confidence builder.

I have found that many people w PTSD/Anxiety/Depression/Trauma have lost the ability to sing.... does singing build you up? Have you lost your ability to sing....I mean really belt it out (this isn't about sounding good, it's about feeling good in the singing moment)
 
Thread starter #53
I don't sing as much as I used to since my mom, dad, brother, and sister died. Sometimes singing the blues will make me feel better when I am down, but I just don't sing like I used to.
 
#54
I don't sing as much as I used to since my mom, dad, brother, and sister died. Sometimes singing the blues will make me feel better when I am down, but I just don't sing like I used to.
I think singing is a part of finding one's voice......at least for me. Maybe you could rediscover and sing some uplifting songs. Music is a path to the soul, I think. Good luck with that....will be thinking about you, Lionheart.
 
Thread starter #55
Thank you, everyone!!! @Changing4Best and @TruthSeeker ,

I am going to give singing another try. Now that I have released some buried stress and perhaps I should think things through. I could practice what I want to say before I say or do anything, when I need to stand up for myself, and afterwards I will have a course of action.
I can practice over small matters and then build myself up.
 
#56
We have a similar problem. I also have been very bad at standing up for myself.(speaking up for myself). Because confrontation with my dad led me to believe that confrontation always led to violence. Then as an adult I would only defend myself after using alcohol to give me courage. It's only now since I've stopped drinking that I'm learning new skills in speaking up for myself in a sober adult way.
 
#57
Thank you, everyone!!! @Changing4Best and @TruthSeeker ,

I am going to give singing another try. Now that I have released some buried stress and perhaps I should think things through. I could practice what I want to say before I say or do anything, when I need to stand up for myself, and afterwards I will have a course of action.
I can practice over small matters and then build myself up.
I can now roar (alone at home w my Sonos speakers) like Linda Ronstat’s songs, I am Woman! Took some practice, though-you go!
 
#59
I don't seem to speak up for myself when I need to and I don't know why. I have a really hard time voicing my needs even though I have been on a healing path for a long time. It has gotten a bit better over time but I still struggle with it. I find it frustrating.
This is a long thread that I'm about to read, but I think I've developed this quality post-COVID, and I think it's a lack of respect for myself as I am now. Like I don't deserve to be treated well so :shrug: Sometimes I start to speak up and fail. So sometimes I think : Well why bother?

It's not an ideal system for happiness, or even contentment. I hope you have been working on it in therapy as you said, and in this long thread I'm reading now, too! It's not good when you're uncomfortable out and about. There have been times when I tried to stand up for myself and end up going back and failing, which is worse than saying anything at all in the first place. It's tremendously frustrating!
 
Thread starter #60
Yes, I Agree. It can be really frustrating @Allie D.

I am thinking that first I need to outline what it is I am needing, word it in a way that is "palatable," and use "I" statements. This will make my request less likely to be viewed as 'confrontational' which in turn will help me to relax.

If I am emotionally charged over a situation, then I should work to approach the subject matter gently, but directly. I need to get calm and imagine a positive outcome.

These are developing strategies, So I don't know how well my plan will work. I haven't talked to "T" in a couple of weeks and it will be a couple more before I speak with her again. Still, I am gonna start small with a simple request for a small amount of money that is owed to me and slowly work my way up from there.

What do ya think? I know I am gonna be very nervous, I'll have to keep assuring my child-self that he is safe, but I think I can learn to develop a new habit. When I go back to therapy sessions I can refine what I have learned and get more assistance and support.

Your phrase "lack of respect for myself" rang bells for me, so I am going to try to work on showing myself the respect I deserve. What are some ways I could do that, I wonder? Where does one begin?
 
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