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I Need Help Finding My Voice

#25
@Cypress i thought about what you wrote....

It’s that, the cat behaved in a way that it needed to. Yes, that behaviour pisses (no pun intended 😝) me off too because it’s our bedroom and neither of us wants to sleep on cat piss, it’s nasty!
It’s how my supporter dealt with it, and it’s ME that had a reaction to that. The reaction I had was based on the past and centred on being punished for things either out of my control, or not carried out by me. It’s also linked to someone/something else suffering because of me.

My supporter didn’t do anything wrong, my reaction to what he did was wrong....but it was my reaction and I’m trying to comprehend it and why.

I’m also trying to learn how to express things rather than keep them inside. The forum helps me with that a lot. It’s gonna take lots of practice though.
@Warrior Chicken Well, guilt will twist my head in many ways. Did you ever talk to the person and like make some kind of amends?.....I know that if I could tell my daughter anything, it would be that I'm so sorry I wasn't good enough. I wish I had possessed the skills to be good enough....I wish I wasn't suffering from PTSD and could have been there for her......when she was suffereing w PTSD, too.....While an apology can never change the past, it can help to ease a memory.......and it is beginning of healing.....the 12 step program has a "make amends" step.....I'm working on that now.....very hard to own my failures of others and failures of mine about me personally....but I think it getting easier over time......and I'm being not so hard on myself.
 
#26
Not sure I’m understanding correctly @TruthSeeker.....the reaction I had recently with my supporter he never saw. It was all internal, so I don’t think amends there would make sense.

Maybe rather than internalizing the situation I should have taken the risk to communicate and identify with him what my issue was.

guilt will twist my head in many ways
I also struggle with guilt. Your suggestion to make amends does make sense with guilt.
There are several people I wish I had the chance to do that with too....but those ones aren’t here anymore. Maybe I could with their family? Not yet, not even close to there yet.
 
#27
Not sure I’m understanding correctly @TruthSeeker.....the reaction I had recently with my supporter he never saw. It was all internal, so I don’t think amends there would make sense.

Maybe rather than internalizing the situation I should have taken the risk to communicate and identify with him what my issue was.

I also struggle with guilt. Your suggestion to make amends does make sense with guilt.
There are several people I wish I had the chance to do that with too....but those ones aren’t here anymore. Maybe I could with their family? Not yet, not even close to there yet.
@ Warrior Chicken....I was a little unclear about...maybe I misunderstood.....you said in your previous post: "It's also linked to some one/something else suffering because of me..."In trauma, lots of people with trauma feel they hurt someone else....when you said "someone/something else suffering"....I thought you meant that the cat situation was linked to another situation with you and someone else who had suffered (which would make sense since you said you overreacted to the cat situation and thought the cat was suffering)-guilt arises in this situation....but I could have misunderstood.....sorry

But I agree.....communication is a really good place to get things worked out or at least clarified.
 
#28
Maybe rather than internalizing the situation I should have taken the risk to communicate and identify with him what my issue was.
^That requires a lot of trust and also the ability to withstand a negative response back from the supporter. Are you ready for that?
I've done this and been blindsided by the outcome. I wasn't ready for the response or maybe it was terrible timing - or both.

The reaction I had was based on the past and centred on being punished for things either out of my control, or not carried out by me. It’s also linked to someone/something else suffering because of me.
^Did you emphasis with the cat and transfer some of the predicament it was in to yourself? Not meaning you thought you were a cat! But rather it's vulnerability, it's inability to stand up for itself, protect itself, advocate for itself and control what was happening to it?

I feel this too when I see someone being cruel or unjust to vulnerable animals and children/people. It triggers something deeply in me and it's not just a overly exaggerated social justice stance. It's deeper and perhaps connects to me when I was a child.
 
#29
^That requires a lot of trust and also the ability to withstand a negative response back from the supporter. Are you ready for that?
I've done this and been blindsided by the outcome. I wasn't ready for the response or maybe it was terrible timing - or both.



^Did you emphasis with the cat and transfer some of the predicament it was in to yourself? Not meaning you thought you were a cat! But rather it's vulnerability, it's inability to stand up for itself, protect itself, advocate for itself and control what was happening to it?

I feel this too when I see someone being cruel or unjust to vulnerable animals and children/people. It triggers something deeply in me and it's not just a overly exaggerated social justice stance. It's deeper and perhaps connects to me when I was a child.
@blackemerald1 and @Warrior Chicken I had this happen to me at a zoo over a year ago....I saw an orangutan in a very small cage. A lady came up with her son and he got loud and was all excited....which the orangutan just laid there and turned his head away. I said to myself, yea....I get it.....and I welled up, he turned his head back just then, touched the glass......and turned away. I the feeling I felt was trapped....he looked so sad and pathetic. Kinda same thing with the cat......
 
#30
Thank you @scout86

I am going to take your advice and ask for my money tonight. It may be awkward at first but it is better than letting resentment build up when I can take some positive action. It may just be a small amount of money, but it is my money (and I want it now).

Also, my niece who has been hounding me to borrow money (all the time), finally got told. I stood up for myself and told her no then I explained why she needed to stop asking me for money and learn to budget the money she makes. She receives the same amount of money that I do so why should I be the one to always bail her out? Besides she has a bad track record of never paying me back. She knows I have a big heart and she has taken advantage of my good nature, but no more as I finally put a stop to it. I feel really proud of myself for that. As I used to loan her money and then regret it.

I don't really understand and I am not
sure why I have had so much trouble with standing up for myself and for asking for what I want/need, but I am hopefully
breaking out of that now (a little at a time).

Hey,

How did it go?

I'm coming to this a bit late in the day. I will share some experience. In the past when I found it hard to ask for what I wanted or needed it was because I feared the request would expose vulnerability which might lead to some advantage being taken, or some level of abandonment or rejection. I pulled the thread a little more and was lead to the feeling I had no right to need or want. That lead to a wall and a silence, I had no language for wants, needs, feelings. How could I, I denied and/or didnt know I could have them

I don't know if any of this resonates but thought to contribute

I too struggle with 'voicing' but in a way
that's a little different
Either way I think there is a process of articulation, coming into speech, sound happening, wishing you well with it :)
Thank you to everyone who has responded to this thread. Even tho it makes me uncomfortable to confront others, hopefully, I am on the right path now.
 
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Thread starter #31
It went alright, I was nervous but asked for my money and was met with "OMG, I totally forgot." Which was not exactly an apology, but I got my money back and am happy. I should not have just laid the money out for them without checking to see that they understood what it was for. As it was I left it for my other roomie to do and that was a mistake. At any rate, I am feeling better about speaking up for myself. and hope you are as well. Thanks for posting.
 
#32
linked to another situation with you and someone else who had suffered
yes, that’s it. You nailed and @blackemerald1 nailed it. On multiple levels, and maybe that’s why I was confused by my reaction. I felt like I did as a kid, then as I did when I failed people in the military and my current job as a first responder. Those emotions just don’t get to share the same space I think.

That requires a lot of trust and also the ability to withstand a negative response back from the supporter. Are you ready for that?
I’m not ready but I’ll keep working on it here to start thanks to all of you and thanks to @Lionheart777 for starting this thread


I got my money back and am happy.
I’m so glad you were able to get your money back but most of all, that you were able to speak up for yourself. It’s so difficult, yet you did and nothing bad happened! That’s what they say.....practice, practice, practice. Just glad, thanks @Lionheart777
 
#33
It went alright, I was nervous but asked for my money and was met with "OMG, I totally forgot." Which was not exactly an apology, but I got my money back and am happy. I should not have just laid the money out for them without checking to see that they understood what it was for. As it was I left it for my other roomie to do and that was a mistake. At any rate, I am feeling better about speaking up for myself. and hope you are as well. Thanks for posting.
Good for you
 
#34
Sure I've written a lot about this and it's one of the cornerstones or core issues. But I feel better about it now that I see it as a trigger or involuntary response. A condition I have not something about me that's bad. That doesn't mean I like it. I have to avoid people this is one of the main reasons. Asking for the 3 bucks would/might become like life and death. So exhausting.

So I can't advise what to do about it. I know it's there always. I just don't hate myself as much for it.
 
#35
It went alright, I was nervous but asked for my money and was met with "OMG, I totally forgot." Which was not exactly an apology,
^This pisses me off so much. You should not have had to ask for it Lion. I don't believe in the omg moments!

Whenever anyone lends me money I don't forget about it. If I have to pay someone back that debt burns a hole in my bank balance until I have or I've repaid in kind or done something to relieve the debt. It was never a gift from you was it?

I feel relief after I have repaid the debt. It may only be a few dollars but that doesn't reduce the indebtedness.

I don't know if they truly forgot they owed money. How does one do that? It's just a social lie? The problem being it's caused you distress and you have had to step up and ask for it to be repaid. That's awkward but I'm very pleased you did do that. :)
 
#36
@blackemerald1 I am one of those people and it is not a social lie. I think we all have different emotional connections to money and things.

I forget when I give other people money or things and am often surprised when they pay me back/give things back. Vice versa, I also forget when people loan me money or things and am surprised that they are upset that I have neglected to repay them.

I understand that for many people money and things are a big deal and if I hear a co-worker or friend talk about money or things in an emotional way, I will ask if borrowed anything that I forgot to give back.
 
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