I Need Help! Where Do I Begin?

[mamasbeensilent2long]

After 8 years of marriage, I've finally broken the silence to my husband and the EAP manager about the irrational thoughts and anxiety I have with regards to the numerous tragic events I've been threw and the numerous deaths I've witnessed that are controlling my life. I spent 5 hours yesterday trying to get help. I live in a small(er) town and the crisis center here is not seeing new patients with private insurance and the one psychiatrist here is not taking new patients. I tried to get help in another county a few hours away (next closest) and they won't see me because I'm not a resident. I don't have a primary care doctor because we just moved here this summer and after getting denied many times because of my medical history (disabilities and many surgeries from a car accident) I finally found someone who'd take me and that appointment is not until the end of February. My EAP can not help find someone without me going 7 hours to where they are and the urgent care here won't see me for psych issues. I'm afraid of something happening to me and my kids not having a mother, so I'm definitely not suicidal, nor do I want to hurt anyone. I just don't know what to do to get help without walking into an ER and looking like an ass. Please help guide me in the right direction! I'm a prisoner in my home and I'm a wreck every time my kids go to school because I have no control over their safety! I have no family here and I don't want to tell any of my friends here as I don't know them well. In patient treatment is not an option because my husband works nights and we have two kids.

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forum!

It sounds like you live far away from appropriate help. Maybe online therapy would be an option? Just google "online therapy." You could also call your private insurance company and ask if they have any suggestions.

 

[joeylittle]

I have no family here and I don't want to tell any of my friends here as I don't know them well. In patient treatment is not an option because my husband works nights and we have two kids.

First, welcome to the forum, and it's great that you are looking for ways to get help.

I'm going to poke at your statements here just for a second - don't take this as an attack, it is meant to help: sometimes in order to make the best choice for ourselves, we need to accept some realities that are uncomfortable or less than ideal.

Inpatient treatment does sound like the best option to address your immediate need. If in fact it is, then you will need to make an uncomfortable choice. You could choose to:

• Ask a close family member or friend to travel to you and provide live-in care for your kids for about a month (inpatient is probably not that long, but you might need extra help after)
• Decide to trust someone new - one or more of the friends you don't know well. I don't think you need to tell them your whole history in order to tell them that you have a serious medical issue and will need to be in the hospital but cannot solve your child-care issues on your own.

Other ideas: are you active in (or even connected with) a church? They can be awesome at organizing stuff like this. Can your husband use up some vacation time? Maybe not enough to cover the whole period, but problems like this aren't always solved in one bite. Can you take your kids out of school for a few weeks and send them on a vacation to a family member?

I'm sure everything I'm writing is bringing up a bunch of automatic "no"s in your head. Just try accepting that there isn't going to be a comfortable solution, but that solutions are out there. You can also try thinking of it as someone elses' problem - as in, "if a friend or family member was going through this, what would be the biggest list of suggestions I could make for them about solving child care?"

 

[mamasbeensilent2long]

My family can't travel, my husband doesn't have any vacation time yet, and yes, we have a church. I have had that on my mind, but there's so many "issues" (probably more like excuses) as to why I don't want to, ex. house is a disaster, don't want the kids to find out, don't want the church to find out, what if the hospital turns me away, don't want to be away from the kids, etc etc. I'm just heartbroken.

 

[joeylittle]

I have had that on my mind, but there's so many "issues" (probably more like excuses) as to why I don't want to

yeah - excuses. My only point is that if you wait for the decision to feel comfortable, or easy, or even possible, nothing will happen. These kinds of decisions are always, always compromised by things that we really want to maintain, and that comes down to "appearing" OK. Or keeping a secret. Or being uncomfortable putting our own health first.

Just don't let your list of reasons why not get in the way of brainstorming with yourself. And remember, thinking about options isn't the same as exercising them. So you can make a list of ALL the possibilities - it doesn't mean you have to do ANY of them. It just might give you something useful is all - even if the useful thing ends up being that you realize you feel better about holding out til February, or you decide to nix the idea of the hospital and look around online for more resources, or take up meditation, or, or or - there are lots of different ways to go here.

 

[mamasbeensilent2long]

Thank you for your insight! My husband is making calls now.

 

[Friday]

Welcome!

Just to address the fear of husband-works-nights: (one possible solution is what I did for a few years).

I was married... But my (now ex) was gone most of the time. Weeks/months/etc. I now do the (legitimate) single parent thing.

Working nights has been my favorite option, because it's the hands down easiest to manage single parent childcare. Ideally my shift would start after bedtime, so the babysitter would come after kids were asleep, I'd go work, come home pay the sitter, get the kids up for breakfast, take them to school, and then sleep while they were in school. Viola. While my kids knew I worked nights, the only time they ever knew/knew was when they woke up sick in the middle of the night (and then I'd come home, just like if the school called that they were sick in the daytime), or if my shift started early and I had to leave before bedtime, or was running late and the sitter needed to drop them at school. Most of the time, though; I got them to school, picked them up, spent the afternoon & evening with them, put them to bed. It was a great schedule.

Not saying IF you choose to go this route (as it's just one of many options) that there won't be any difficulties for your husband in adapting to single parenting for a month. But that's what we do for the people we love: we adapt, and figure things out, and make sacrifices.

 

[Justmehere]

Maybe your church would want to be there for you and your family to support you through this time. I have found pastoral counseling helpful when I couldn't find the kind of treatment I really needed. It's super hard to ask for, I know, but you are so not alone in this struggle. People go to a church not because they have it all together, but because the church is for the broken. If your church seems like a safe(r) church, call them and see what options there are before you decide to rule it out completely.

Getting help is a hard and scary process, but it's worth it and it does get better.

 

[mamasbeensilent2long]

Oh, the arrangement can be made for sure to have someone here from church for my kids. I went on a week cruise last month with a friend, the pastors daughter stayed, and they did wonderful. My issue with it is telling people, I have to have a reason and I've been silent for 18 years, including the last 8 that I've been married which I've been threw another traumatic accident and witnessed more since. When I told my husband last night, I told him in an email, I just don't want to talk. I feel like I'm asking for unwanted attention. I feel stupid, I feel like I'm making it up, I don't feel like it's real or that it' something I should get help for. I just feel like I'm going to be judged and pushed away as I have just trying to get help in this town. My made more calls this morning and it was all dead ends. Yesterday I called psychiatrists with no luck, today he called psychologist and got the same dead end I did, no one is accepting new patients. He even called the primary care (who specializes in mental health) to ask what to do since my appt isnt until Feb. They told him that they usually refer to the crisis center but since they aren't taking private insurance they can just put me on the cancellation list, but they rarely have cancellations. This town sucks! I moved here from a large city and I've never experienced this and am appalled that mental health isn't taken more seriously. I want help, but I don't want to burden anyone and have to get it at anyone else's expense. I don't think it's fair to them that I waited 18 years to address the issue and put their lives on hold. Maybe it's just another excuse I don't know. One minute I feel like I can get threw it and then as soon as I get in my car to drop off or pick up my kids I feel like I'm going to snap. If I get pulled over for speeding and/or weaving in and out of traffic, that poor officer may get an ear full and probably many tearfuls too! Haha :)

Okay so I'm venting now....and then I search the net for "online therapy for ptsd" and see this..."Using our Online Therapy for PTSD based on CBT, you will re-live the traumatic memories that remind you of your trauma in order to overcome your PTSD." Ummmm and why the heck would I want to relive these events when I do that everyday several times a day? I don't get it, am I missing something? This has me scared to death!

 

[Justmehere]

The first thing that is done in appropriate trauma therapy is not to process the trauma, but to learn really good "containment" skills so that you are not re-living it many times a day and so that you have relief from symptoms.

These skills and working on eventually processing the trauma is not a selfish attention seeking thing. You may see it as asking for attention you don't dwaeeve, but another way to look at it is that you are getting the help you need so you can be more resourced to be the person you want to be for your kids, your husband, etc.

You have been silent for a long time, and it is so hard to face this stuff. I admire that you have made it his far, and I admire your courage to begin to face it all. It is hard to start talking about it as it is a very vulnerable thing to do. But it's not done all at once or very quickly.

Also, it's important to keep in mind that while you have been silent for a long time and it's worked in the past, it doesn't seem to be serving you well now.

Think about what you are saying about your needs and how you are judging yourself - would you judge anyone else the same?

As far as online therapy - I was thinking of more like liveperson dot com or other sites. As far as trauma therapy types, there are several out there - that form of CBT therapy seems a bit precarious even to me, an I've done trauma focused cbt therapy.

I would suggest more of looking for someone to help you with grounding and mindfulness skills, or maybe a DBT or ACT therapy approach right now, and not yet processing the trauma. The goal generally isn't re-living the trauma - that is re-traumatizing.

Keep taking it one step at a time and try to consider the idea that you are investing in a better future, and your thoughts that your needs are not worth attention might be a message an abuser or perpetrator tried to send you... and you don't want to agree with them, do you?

 

[mamasbeensilent2long]

I went to the psych hospital here. I start partial hospitalization tomorrow. M-F 8-2. So scared!

 

[void]

@mamasbeensilent2long

Your journey to healing has now begun.
Welcome to our path.
It WILL improve over time....there is hope...hold on to that.

Learn about 'grounding' or 'mindfulness' .....we all needed to learn how to return to the Now....this skill will NEVER let you down....there is a way forward.

May peace replace your pain. :)