I Need Help

[jadebear]

The way I have always dealt with things is to just block them out of my mind completely. I don't know if I do it consciously or not...It just happens.

I'm very good at it. The night I was assaulted is just a vague memory now, I barely remember any of it unless I read what I had written on this forum. Other things that have happened are the same way....I can block them out as if they never happened.

I know I do it so that I don't have to deal with things or feel anything. I also know it's a problem. It's much easier to just block things out than to face them and deal with them. I'm afraid I will never make the progress I'd like to as long as I keep doing it. I can't make needed changes in my life or not let myself be abused when I pretend bad things don't even happen.

I really don't know how to stop doing it though. I've done it my whole life, so it's not as simple as just making a decision to not do it anymore.

I understand that blocking things out helped me survive when I was young, when I had no choices and no other form of protection. It was what I had to do. But now, even as an adult, I still do the same thing. How do I stop? How do I learn to face and deal with things in other ways?

 

[cherryblossom]

I think the fact that you are now aware of how you deal with things, will help you to move forward.
You and I both know that even if we try to block things out, they come back at some point to bite us, and remind us.
I think you are becoming more aware of your feelings, and I think that could be the key to moving forward. Acknowledgement and acceptance of the past is a huge step towards moving forward. If I recall correctly, you have had a lot of memories re-surface over the last year. And although they are painful memories, it will help you to process those memories. This is why I think talking about things or writing about things is a powerful tool. If we mindfully recall our memories, we can truely begin to process them. It's like you need to re-connect yourself to your feelings, instead of stuffing them all away. It's almost as if you need to re-learn how to feel and how to process your emotions. You need to tune into your emotions, be hyper-aware of what you are feeling and why, and allow yourself to have those feelings. Start with small day to day issues as they arise. How you are feeling, and why. Then build up to bigger issues in your life. (I don't know if that makes sense? I'm struggling to explain!)

 

[jadebear]

Yes, that makes sense CB.Thanks.

When I say I block things out...I mean , I really block them out. Like even with my son being in jail, I have him so blocked out that I'm to the point where I can't even remember what he looks or sounds like. Instead of dealing with what's going on, I just automatically block painful things out of my mind completely. I don't want to do it, I just do.

My concern right now is the present, not the past. I worry that I won't be able to make changes that I need and want if I keep blocking everything out.

I'm pretty sure it's not normal to do what I do. And I don't know how to stop.

 

[anthony]

I'm very good at it. The night I was assaulted is just a vague memory now, I barely remember any of it unless I read what I had written on this forum. Other things that have happened are the same way....I can block them out as if they never happened.

Ignorance / ability to block out, or even another word, discard, trauma is a double edged sword. IF there is no negative emotion attached that is affecting you, ie. symptoms, nightmares, etc, then ignorance, or what ever term you choose to use, blocking out, etc, is actually a positive aspect. IF however there is negative emotion attached, then the dismissing / ignorance / blocking out is a negative.

So the fun is really to identify whether or not something is negatively affecting you or not. If not... then ignorance is good. Otherwise, not so good. There are some things I merely dismiss nowadays and just don't bother about, but they don't negatively affect me unless pushed into my face... so it works for me. Some things I used to dismiss that affected me negative, even present events that get into my face do so... but I have to work out which area they lie within to what will benefit me best for the future.

Apply the same logic to yourself. Open up the wound if negatively affecting you, otherwise leave it closed / sealed / pushed back yonder, etc.

It's much easier to just block things out than to face them and deal with them. I'm afraid I will never make the progress I'd like to as long as I keep doing it. I can't make needed changes in my life or not let myself be abused when I pretend bad things don't even happen.

Again... choice and review as to how each aspect affects you. My ex wife is pissing me off right now, it is affecting me negatively, and I can't deal with it myself because I would end up killing her... so I have passed it to a lawyer to deal with / Nicolette deals with some aspects. So it is being dealt with, not ignored, but my exposure to it is limited. That is only an example of one instance... not a rule that can be applied to everything.

You have to look at each issue uniquely and then work out a broad range of solutions that you could look at in order to deal with an issue. Trauma is obviously more personal and only you can deal with those... but other events can be dealt with by others, or assisted by others, to lessen burden upon you.

I really don't know how to stop doing it though. I've done it my whole life, so it's not as simple as just making a decision to not do it anymore.

Its called baby steps. You don't take on your whole basket of issues and try to take them on. You just take one thing, one issue, one aspect only, then you work on that. When you have worked through it, you can push it aside and work on another, or even two at a time. You may work on one and it raises other issues that must also be worked on... but you just start at one and work through them one at a time, and suddenly when done over months, years, you have less and less. Dealing with trauma is a long term commitment, not a short term one. Approach it with the right mindset and baby steps.

 

[jadebear]

other events can be dealt with by others, or assisted by others, to lessen burden upon you..

That's what I needed to hear. There are many things that others can/should deal with, but it's always put on me to take care of. Or I feel they're my responsibility when they're actually not, and I take them on myself. I spend too much time and effort trying to fix/take care of everything and everyone else and I'm the one that suffers.

Some things don't affect me unless they're pushed in my face, as you said....others can deal with them, but don't. Maybe if I don't do it myself, others will have to.

Open up the wound if negatively affecting you, otherwise leave it closed / sealed / pushed back yonder, etc.

I think it's hard to determine which things affect me negatively and which ones don't. Everything feels intertwined right now. So much of what's going on in the present is reminiscent of the past, so I have a hard time separating them.

 

[cherryblossom]

So much of what's going on in the present is reminiscent of the past, so I have a hard time separating them.

That to me would suggest some negative emotion still attached to the past event. I don't know? Just my opinion.

 

[anthony]

Baby steps is how you start.... just pick something and work through it, finish with it, then move to the next... repeat process. It is about improvement over time... not how fast you an improve. You will get better at it when you start small, hence how you endup working on multiple issues at once and gaining momentum for speed of recovery... but you must start small.

 

[jadebear]

It is about improvement over time... not how fast you an improve.

You have said that before too and I didn't really pay much attention. But I do finally realize I need to take baby steps with everything and actually make progress, although gradual, instead of rushing everything and ending up back at square one over and over.