I Need Someone to Talk To Me

[2notbedefeated]

I hate my diary. No one reads it. Someting must be wrong with it or with me. Is it because my abuser was a pedophile, and for whatever reason others don't want to read and respond. Can noone relate to it.

Do people believe me? It did HAPPEN. The creep did these things to me. I guess it is all my fault. Do others feel threatened by my diary? For what reasons are people not respond or reading my diary. What is wrong? I need to learn how to connect I guess.

Can someone please tell me what I need to do to make friends and connect to others here so that someone or two people would be willing to read my trauma diary and find support and comments from others?

 

[2notbedefeated]

I have to be honest. I'm just not doing well. Sunday and today (Monday) have been H** for me. Intense pain, overwhelming emotion. Feeling isolated and ignored.

Don't feel connected and just wish I could turn into vapor and evaporate in the air and disappear forever. I feel like I could explode from the intensity of my pain and emotions (not sure what they all are) they are just there waiting to swallow me up.

Sorry to be whining and negative right now. I'm trying to stop self-harming, I've gone two days, but I don't think I'm going to be able hold out for much longer. Ugh, sorry to sound so desperate, but I guess I am.

 

[fin]

you are very brave in what you have been through and it is a difficult path to moving on

hey...we have been talking tonight

....I am going to draw your attention to our conversation on the wall...

2not you have to stay focussed ...

anger is ok ...you need to let it out so go for it here..

but you are all over the place with it....its scarey 2not... I am not strong enough for the pain you are feeling hun...and I think maybe it is scaring others...

I know this hurts and you know we are all with you 2not

you really need to get some of this out... the diary is for us ourselves.

we write our diaries here whether anyone reads them or not -to get it out.

I read other posts that people leave on others walls and when they are uplifting or when they have advice I take that onboard myself.

And not 5 minutes before posting this here you told me you were going to bed

do you want to PM?

2not there are loads of people here for you....you have to let some of this go, people read when they can- it isnt the content 2not. or you

you are very brave in what you have been through and it is a difficult path to moving on, it will get better

~fin

 

[A-RON]

2Not,

I am sorry that you're hurting. I truly wish I could do something, and please let me know if I can. I also want to say that I think it's wonderful that you can write so much of this stuff out in your diary. You've done an amazing job.

I also should let you know that I haven't been able to finish reading much of your story because it really makes me feel uncomfortable. But I don't think you should change the content at all. Raw truth is so valuable to your progress. Just don't forget why you're writing: to heal.

And basically to clarify something about me... I have a serious issue with trust. I would almost say I'm disappointed in people that have trust because they don't even see how badly they could be screwing up their lives. As a guy, I don't want you to trust me, and I don't want to be a trigger for you, and I don't want to hurt anyone. I think one of my guilts is that I'm a guy, and for that reason I'm not allowed to relate to the female perspective on sexual assault, and I'm also not allowed to relate to molestation because I was an adult when it happened. I'm kind of in my own class, and it doesn't count. I don't feel like I should be trustworthy, and I really don't feel welcome on your thread.

With that said, I'm not sure if the unwelcomeness is because of the interaction I've had with you so far or if it's for the reasons stated above, but I have been able to interact with other sexual abuse victims. I just don't think I can handle too much descriptiveness right now. So if there's anything I can do to help, please let me know and I'll try to read your posts and give my support. I really hope you don't continue to self harm. We are all listening, in some way.

Aaron

 

[2notbedefeated]

Hey, I appreciate everyone's honesty and support.

First, I deeply apologize if my post came off threatening to anyone. I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was coming off that way. I appreciate everyone's honesty.

I apologize if I have upset others. I don't exactly know how I got to the place i was in over the weekend, but I will try to be more in check with myself.

I don't exactly know what blew over me over the weekend. I sometimes get waves of feeling abandoned. It's one of my biggest fears, as I'm sure many can relate to this.

I used to have these rushes of emotion and pain almost constantly up until this past month. i had gone aobut the 3 weeks with one of these "emotinal fugues" as my therapist calls them. It is what my therapist says is an emotional flashback that pushes up and out with such force and can swallow you up.

Part of my challenge is that I am trying to heal from all this with out medication I have been off all my meds (except sleeping pills) since the middle of Sept. My therapist and I have talked about this. I have to really learn how to contain stuff in a greater way at times because of that. My self-harm had been my medicator. I didn't start that until after I was off meds. So either I need to learn to control these wmotions and the overwhelming pain using coping techniques or go back on meds I guess.

I will try harder. Is anyone else going through this healing process with out meds too? If I'm on meds it numbs me. I feel nothing and I then get no where. Well, I'm certainly not in that category any longer. Well, I do have periods of numbness and depersonalization. Which I think is quite frequent. It just happen to be this past weekend when my "dam" broke down and all h** broke thorough.

I think perhaps part of the difficult is because I am trying to not self-harm and as a result my "medicator" is not available like before and so, do to my lack of learnig how to contain my emotions they rush out. Sorry to have upset or scared anyone. Didn't mean to.

I need to learn how to put them in their proper place and perspective. I do need to learn how to express the appropriately. This is where I feel like a 2 year old when it comes to this area in my life. My mom was the same way with her feelings. Stuffing them until the lid on the "pressure cooker" couldn't handle it any longer and the it would explode with such intensity affection everyone around them.

Thanks to you all for helping me to see this part of myself. I'm ashamed at the way I did express myself. I need to know how to that more appropriately as well as learing how to handle them. How have others done this? I haven't read "diamonds in the rough yet, but when i saw how long it was I got kind of intimidated about reading it, Perhaps I can commit to spending five minutes or so each day to read it and eventually I will get through it. (Thanks Fin)

I have alot to learn with this PTSD stuff and understanding how it effects me. I have been trying to containing my "stuff" and feelings so much lately that I wonder if what is happening is that I am stuffing it all down and the in comes back at me later in a hurricane wave that floods me and those around me. Is there a way to keep this from happening? How can Iexpress myself more appropriately?

How and/or where is the best place to let everything out or express myself? Should it be in a Rant post or in my diary?

Thanks all for listening. I do appreciate it. Again I'm sorry to have upset some of you. I will try to learn from this lesson and try to be more patient and communicate myself in better ways.

I welcome others ideas and ways they have found helpful for them.

 

[fin]

It doesnt have to be all or nothing 2not...The Diamonds in the rough thread...I just dip in and out of that.

Am so glad you are coming out through the other end of the weekend you were having.

now calmer, is a good time to start trying to get things in place coping strategies etc.

peace
~fin

 

[2notbedefeated]

Thanks ya'll. Yeap i need to pull out my workbook titled Growing Beyond Survival - a self-help toolkit for managing traumatic stress. It is a helpful book that helps you to learn coping and grounding skills. I see my therapist tomorrow morning. I always get stirred up afterwards. Anyway love you all and thanks for your understanding. Talke to ya'll tomorrow.