Relationship I Need To Vent And I Need Help Putting The Pieces Together

[living4jesus]

I don't get it, the last month has been great with my fiance's PTSD. Now our relationship may be over. I may have triggered his PTSD. I added back a friend on facebook that treated me badly a few years ago and said some bad things about him too. Maybe I am too forgiving, so I deleted her and blocked her again(also because I really don't need her negativity and drama in my life). But that triggered something in him. Im sorry if this is a bit rambled, I am so upset right now.:(

Before starting please note this all happened over the phone, he called me up last night He started accusing me of meeting this guy that I never met and sleeping with him. This guy was a guy I was friends with on the phone many years ago and stopped talking to him when I started my relationship with my fiance. This guy lives in another state across the country, and I met him online years ago and was just friends on the phone with him. I ended communication with him when my relationship got serious with my fiancee. I never met the guy before in my life, let alone ever did anything with him.

I am a high moral and valued girl and a strong christian. He now is accusing me of still talking to the guy, and accusing me of being a whore in my younger days because my teenage years I had some friends that were really low moraled girls. But I never was, I always was a good girl. I was married from the time i was 19 until i was 27 and in an abusive marriage as well, with a man that cheated on me alot. I had low selfesteem but eventually got out of that marriage. Now my ex husband is deported back to Lebanon and I have peace. But my fiancee is now also accusing me of wanting him back too.

I feel like he is accusing me of everything he can think of, calling me every name he can think of. And this is verbal abuse. I will not stand for it. He even told me that it is over until I can admit of all the bad stuff I have done and admit that I met that guy and slept with him. But I never did any of that! I am disgusted that he would even think of me like this after 4 years. He has called me every name in the book and yelled at me, and is just being mean and unreasonable. I think it may be over. It may be his PTSD and maybe it will calm down, but how much can a girl take of verbal abuse before its too much.

We had such a good month and his PTSD seemed under control. Then I triggered it. I blame myself for triggering it. But I didn't do anything wrong in my past that he is accusing me of. I am a good christian honest woman who just wants the best for me and my kids. What do you do when someone thinks your lying and you aren't. What do you do when there PTSD is so out of control that they won't listen to reason? What do you do when they won't get help for your PTSD and won't even admit to calling you names after they have done it? I am a good god fearing woman and have been nothing but good to him for the last 4 years. I love him but I also know my worth is more then to be talked to like that.

 

[Eleanor]

((((((((living4jesus)))))))) I know how it goes straight to your heart.:cry:

So, just to be clear, unblocking and reblocking a facebook friend triggered him? I find myself doubting this was the only thing. Could he have been triggered (right up to if not over the rim on "the stress cup" - maybe around the holidays?) by something else prior to that, and then just "attached" to that?

Anyway, YOU are not responsible for his episode. That is HIS problem. He spoke to you abusively and you are absolutely right that you are worth more than to be spoken to like that. My H is incapable of actual reason when in an episode (that is one thing that makes him entirely different than when he is himself.) He often doesn't recall what he said just a few moments before. He is stuck in some past "loop" and no new information gets into the matrix. I am evil and can do nothing right. When I don't get sucked into being angry and defensive (HA!) I just disengage, speak in a calm neutral tone of voice, try to remember to repeat things like "no one is trying to hurt you here" and "I'm sorry you feel so badly right now", and go away when I can. I have learned not to try to talk to my H when he is still "in it" and even when he is coming out bad stuff comes out of his mouth. I can see when he means to say something nice, and then... word vomit. Just stand back and have some paper towels ready to wipe off your shoes. It sounds like a boundary needs to be set about how you will be spoken to, episode or no. When he is back in his right mind - set that boundary. Have a plan for what to do if he starts saying bad stuff. Walk away. Say something like "We have talked about how to handle this - and now I am going to hang up the phone." Or whatever you decide on. Separate the person from the behavior - but in this case do it for You.

From what I have read - and longer timers than me will know better - "Under control" comes and goes. "Getting better" means longer and longer stretches between episodes. It probably doesn't mean "no episodes any more." Hence, PTSD as incurable. :(

Praying for you both.

 

[wife of]

Stop blaming yourself. Yes this is his ptsd,yes he got triggered,was it your fault??? answer ...NO..it wasn't triggers are triggers no matter the scource.

This boils down to the usual walking on eggshells behaviour that we all fall into at some points...

At the end of the day,you are an adult,faithful and are free to consort with whom you wish.

You can't stop him apportioning blame but you can stop yourself from falling into the same trap.

Blame causes so much pain in ptsd relationships.

I've found that since I eased up and stopped blaming myself for triggering and stopped blaming him/ptsd for getting triggered and just started to accept he is triggered and leave him to move past stuff in his own time...that things are much easier.

 

[amethist]

Don't take responsibility for his insecurity's, they are his not yours.

So you made a mistake and he got a hissy on over it. We all make mistakes, that's what makes us human. If he cannot except what you are hammering home to him, then let him stew in it. You are a free person on this earth to be friends with who you want to be friends with.

Could he have been already on simmer and boiled over because you were there, in the line of fire so to speak.

If you want a down to the bones analysis of it all then this is it.

"You did not trigger him, he reacted badly to a simple thing that meant anything". His issue not yours.

Hold your head up and don't let anyone accuse you of things you have never done.

 

[living4jesus]

Thank you Wife of and Magical. You are both right, it is his issues. I can't beat myself up, easier said then done but I am trying.

But he keeps texting me and insisting that I tell him the truth and he keeps hammering into me all his suspicions about me and my past and telling me he can't be with me because I am a liar and a manipulator and he says his special forces training is why he can see right thru me. But I have not done anything wrong! I am at my wits end. I never have done anything wrong I am telling him the truth and he keeps going off on a tangent that I am a liar and i need to come clean. What the heck! How do I stop this! How do I make him see that I am being honest! He is making up bad stuff about me in his head. I just don't get how to stop this. Maybe I can't stop it. What do I do?

 

[living4jesus]

Thank you so much Eleanor for the prayers and encouragement.

Usually I am lucky and it happens over the phone, but it doesn't end if I hang up, it carries on all day and night via text messages, facebook, phone calls. He won't stop, and it's so hard to not look at a text and see the as you call it "word vomit" that he sends me. He has been going on a tangent for 2 days now insisting that I am this terrible person and won't let up. I just don't know what to do. I guess I am thankful we do not live together because then I couldnt just hang up the phone or delete the text when he is verbally abusing me and accusing me of stuff. I just feel like I need to find a way to prove to him that I am a trustworthy person and I do not lie. But he should already know that about me, everyone who knows me knows that about me. *Sigh* 2012 is starting out really rough :(

 

[john1963]

PTSD or not, I think this guy could just be an asshole!

Your first marriage was to an abusive man, We tend to have pickers that are off when we have experienced trauma, when picking partners for relationships

Forget this dudes problems, May be you should look at your self first, and to what this man brings to your life. By no ways Im I saying to leave the relationship, but to put your self first.

Just a thought

 

[wife of]

Personaly I'd give him a "time out",send him a short text message and say you wont take any more calls or messages until three days(or however long you think) have lapsed and then will only reply if he is rational and non abusive when he contacts you. Any abuse should be met with futher time outs til he gets the message........If he's acting like a toddler then he deserves to be treated like one...Hes using his special forces training to interrogate you,you might even go so far as to say something that might shock him into realising that such as "Whats next,waterboarding?"..

 

[ronnalee]

Take good care of yourself L4J. There is much support here!

 

[amethist]

This is one your going to loose out on which ever way you go L4J.

You know you have not done any of what is accusing you of, but he wont let it go until you "Own up", to what he believes in his own mind.

So you go with it and say "Yes OK I did it", then what. !!! He then holds this over you for as long as he wants, and you still suffer.

He is acting like a bully and a control freak. He wont feel happy until you cave into what he wants. Which is what ???, you begging for forgiveness for something you have not done.

Look at this as if you were an outsider looking in, then ask yourself, "What would I advise them to do with this". You may be surprised at your answer.

Take care and think carefully before you do anything else.

Amethist

 

[The Albatross]

I'm blunt to a fault and I'd tell him, straight up, that I have no interest in a partner who is a drama queen, verbally abusive, and working hard to create relational issues so he doesn't have to be responsible for his own behavior and maybe his PTSD.

My ex tried the wild accusation thing on me... and I locked eyes with him and dropped my voice to a whisper with clenched teeth and told him, "I will never accept blame, or guilt for something I didn't do, no matter how much I love you. You need to calm down and check yourself because that dog don't hunt. I don't care what you think you know, what you got a guilty conscience?" Well in my case he did. He was using the accusations and the drama to deflect guilt by projecting onto me and keeping me off balance enough to not notice his activities.

But I like the 3 day time out best.

 

[living4jesus]

Thanks everyone so much! You all have really helped encourage me today and get me thru the day.

Wife of, Yes he is interrogating me, you are exactly right! I feel like I am on trial for something that I didn't even do! I am going to use those remarks such as "whats next water boarding". I like that. I like the time out idea.It is really hard for me not to react in and go off when I get a text or consistant phone calls up to 2am after I have placed a Time out. I am going to work on that and push myself to stick to a time out.

He called me a little while ago and was in a softer tone and sounded like he was calmer and realizing how ridiculous all this is, but then he said "did you add that friend back on facebook just to get me angry". I calmly said no and that i had to get off the phone, and he said "Ok I love you". I am so stressed out, its either accusing me of things I didnt do or getting mad at me for being over forgiving to friends that have hurt me in the past and he thinks that it is against him. How is my choices of friends against him?! Ugh sorry im so stressed im doing alot of venting lol. Sometimes his PTSD reminds me of a bipolar person. :O_o:

Amethist you hit the nail on the head. He is acting like a control freak and a bully. No matter what I say he won't believe me. And I refuse to admit to anything I didn't do. I am going to ponder on what you said for a bit and see what I would tell someone as an outsider looking in. I think I know what I would tell someone but its so much easier to give advice then to take your own. It is really hard because when his PTSD isn't triggered and under control he is the greatest man and father ever and I thank God for him. But this was just too much.

Albatross, my ex always tried the wild accusations on me too, but it was because he was cheating on me. My current guy is far from a cheater(honest I am not nieve, if you knew him you would see he isn't a cheater at all, far from it). But I do agree that placing accusations on someone else PTSD or not is covering up for his own guilt for something or his own insecurities. I am just filled with so many mixed emotions right now I dont even know where to begin.

I think I need a time out for myself, take care of myself first. The time out will help me sort out my thoughts.