I Need Your Help With My Signifcant Other. The Quandary That Tortures Me.

[void]

Note to Mod.
Sry I put this in the wrong section.:sorry:
Thanks for fixing it.:)

 

[candor]

What kind of fvcked up human both wants and does not want a relationship?!?!
I am very fvcked up.:(

There are those real lucky people that have never experienced wanting and not wanting a relationship at the same time. Some of them are just too cowardly to admit that the conflicts exist and will pay any price to not create waves...the rest of us are not necessarily fvcked up. We are just humans. For whatever it is worth, your post really touched my heart and most of what you wrote went in loud and clear. I think that anyone who has ever loved and had a heart has had similar thoughts at one point or another.

I have on many occasions tried to explain my viewpoint but the conclusion is the same every time..."It hurts me that you think that"(quoting her)

You are so lucky to have someone that tells you what hurts them. I am always left guessing. Do you have the courage to say the same to her? "It hurts me that you think that" or "when you do <bla bla>, I feel <bla bla>"...powerful communication technique.

I am in the same boat right now desperately resisting the urge to reconnect to someone I can barely call my ex. It might resolve itself as I have done the unspeakable which is to say "We are done here". If I am right, his personality disorder will not forgive the rejection. Apparently, I am not through exploring these "control dynamics". Not all my relationships thank god are like that. I hate those very important and needed questions like "What do you get out of it?". I get an opportunity to learn. I pay with a far too high price: my health. I don't believe that I try to fix. It is more like I am lured by an irresistible urge to understand the problem.

I have learned how to disarm when communicating with my abuser. I have learned how to feel compassion and forgiveness towards my abuser. Most important I have learned how to keep my abuser at arms length. Never, ever would I live again with one. I've learned the value of putting distance between us and to be ever so aware of my stress levels and theirs.

So why is walking away so hard? Some say we love too much. I say there is no such thing. We can learn to love wisely and not all compassion is idiotic compassion. Not all love is coming from a place of manipulation. I stopped due to elevated stress levels :) I never expected much emotional support or all that good stuff we get from a healthy relationship. I did have very clear goals for the relationship. My goal was that we use it to lower our stress levels. We had good days but the lashing out behaviour (despite code words that were respected) and the stress of never knowing if and when he would show up took its toll on me. I was spending so much time formulating emails cause he would not allow me to talk. I was told that he does not read those emails. Talking was mostly done by him. Apparently, I upset him with information if it was not required by him.

The last time I allowed someone to control me I lost EVERYTHING. And that includes my ability to feel that I could make appropriate choices and even drive a car. The recovery took 10 years and I never blamed anyone but myself. Whoever I was before died and someone else came out that is not really better just a lot different. I can be alone or with others and I value autonomy. I feel a lot calmer and happier than when I had everything. Only you can decide how much pain you can take and what price you are willing to pay. I think that I try real hard to not let the abuse ever happen again and I have a very different approach to how that is done than most. I totally get that my approach may seem upsetting to some. Well I try to keep an open mind and here I am learning.

What I find to be true from my own experience is that the controller is usually themselves way out of control. Their need to be in control is a way to escape fixing themselves so most time is spent in other's business. I have rarely met a controller that do not see themselves as "just trying to help". The truth is that we can't ever know if that help will be seen as help or appreciated. Who knows maybe he saw me as his controller. I never had any hope that he could recover but I would have liked him to not give up. I saw myself as a motivation for that. I need to give up the urge to feel guilt for leaving. My two cents: If you live in fear its time to either reveal those fears to your abuser or to leave---- no questions asked especially if sharing leads to more abuse.

@void I wish you the courage to be the real you. That is your job. Be fearless. And if you can't take baby steps and practice.

 

[void]

There are those real lucky people that have never experienced wanting and not wanting a relationship at t...

I am quiet inside, reading and re-reading your words. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me.:hug:

Had a migraine-day today or I would have added to my story.

I do share some of what hurts me...but the response just turns into yet another lecture:( about my many failings. More advice from the Advice Queen.

There is something so wonderful about feeling truly heard and understood and the lack of same is an acute poverty.

I am saddened to hear how you have suffered, I wish it had not been so.

more to follow(i have to go:wideeyed:)..........

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@void is your partner willing to go to marriage counseling. A book helped me very much, it is called Controlling People by Patricia Evans. My husband and I fell in love with our own ideas of each other. Then I got into therapy and began to change and my husband became very threatened and I realize he needed to love me as I was. It took so many years to get to this point, I ended up leaving him for three months and he changed. He realized that he loved me and wanted me in his life. The rest of the years of our marriage was so much better because we learned better communication skills.

I can relate to what you are experiencing. My husband became very sick with dementia and finally died three years ago. He became the love of my life. Even with the dementia and when he was falsely accusing me due to delusions and hallucinations he watched how he talked to me.

I think mabe what everyone here has said has much value. I learned that if I hurt, it was because he was hurting me. He also was a bit of a control freak.

I do not know what you will decide to do but I am rooting for you. If she has it in her to change to keep you in her life, she will be willing to go for help for you. Be so strong on the inside, because it is very hard to change the rules of the relationship mid stream. But you are so worth fighting for. I wish you the best possible outcome. '

Should she say that she refuses to go to marriage counseling with you, then there really is not any point in staying with her.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

@void your relationship sounds very similar to the one I have with my "significant other" it's so very tiring, I have recreated my childhood with her, that was tough to realise and acknowledge! :cry: and I have trouble getting peace to come on here, usually I do it when she's asleep because I know she hates me being on my phone often. Control?!?!? Ugh :banghead: guess what though? One day, I'm leaving this abusive crap! Sending you hugs and positive thoughts :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Sideways]

@Cj77
I can talk the talk, but when confrontation is required, it's more like
"Sure. I'll get right on that...Soon...Really I will...Just not today":cool:

 

[Deleted member 29920]

@Ragdoll Circus, totally! Although I have to sort my finances, that's a major thing holding me back, this significant other has manipulated, taken advantage of my vulnerable mental state and basically I'm in a right mess, so there's a lot of planning required on how I leave. Add to that an eating disorder (mine) and... Just... Ugh :banghead:

 

[Knak]

Hello friends,

This quandary has plagued me on and off for decades.
I have suffered greatly because of it.....

You sound like me but I am stuck because I knew if I left I'd get so depressed I wouldn't be able to support myself financially. I have such low esteem I still can't ask to be paid for my work.

I have come to understand my husband is a narcicist and after listening to much information (Spartanlifecoach on youtube for one) that the person is not what they appear to be and intentionally uses others to suck the life out of them and go on to the next victim. It's hard to believe especially since it is also true of my family of origin which I never would have imagined until I learned the modus operandi.

I am very compassionate by nature and he is not, which is hard to assimilate. I always believe everyone thinks the same way I do and loves and cares about others. I have to deliberately tell myself repeatedly that he is not "human" and does NOT care about me. Any good he does is to keep me hanging on by a thread. He is a master of appearances.

Sam Vaknin is another one on youtube who is a narcissist and talks about his own personality and how he uses other people. It is a good learning tool and over the years I am able to separate myself from my husband emotionally to get some emotional freedom and avoid getting suckered in every time (I still am vulnerable) because he acts like a normal person except he is completely out for himself. He just hides it very well. The people who introduced me knew him over 20 years and thought very highly of him. He has always been a leader in the church and has taught Bible studies for 55 years.

If I had not learned from his behavior I would be dead by now. The first years of marriage I used to dream I was on a roller coaster and was going to be killed. I am still vulnerable to people like this because it is all I knew. I have have very few healthy relationships and am afraid of all people due to this. I am seen as a victim by these perpetrators and I can't help it.

Quit putting it on yourself and look for resources that explain this sort of person so you can be objective and gain some mental freedom, if not getting your life back.

 

[void]

Attn: All the kind readers and contributors to my thread.

I want to apologize for not posting in the thread and responding to your comments.:sorry:
The Site update caused the Site to NOT work for me at all.:(
I have been unable to POST at all because of the update:(...I know some other users experienced difficulties as well.

I managed to get it working again but had to fvck up my settings to do so.:banghead:
I now have to do a System Restore to fix it.
This may cause me to be unable to post again.:nailbiting::nailbiting:
I am no computer whiz:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

I'll do my best to figure it out and then re-join our community.
Thank you for understanding.:hug:

 

[Deleted member 29920]

((((((@void))))))

 

[void]

Update:

(My tech. problems with the site seem to be over....Yay!)

Spoke with SO today. SO says that we are just room-mates now, and not really life partners. She does not "feel like she is a wife anymore"
She is also very unhappy and unfulfilled though for VERY different reasons.
:(:(:(:(:(:(:depressed::depressed::depressed::depressed::depressed::depressed:

We are both very stressed, exhausted and sad. She feels like she's just existing...as do I.
Pretty sad, hey?

I don't know exactly how things will play out...it is quite grim:depressed:.
Neither of us feel any hope:depressed:.

Thanks for listening...sry it's such a downer.:sorry::sorry::sorry::sorry::sorry:

 

[scout86]

Neither of us feel any hope

I see reason for hope. If neither of you are happy, then maybe both of you want to change the situation? That's cause for hope. The couples therapist my ex & I saw began by saying she saw 3 choices. 1) Live with things as they are. (A good friend of mine added to that "And then you can't bitch about it!) 2) Change things 3) Get out. It seems to me that, as a couple, you're ready to explore options 2 & 3. (Good luck!)