I Never Knew...

[y5L]

Today I was talking to a good friend about how we each deal with feeling overwhelmed or overcrowded. We will both take a break if possible, but then I told her about what happens if I don't feel like I can easily leave without making a scene.

I told her I disappear. She asked where I go and I pointed to the back of my head, on the right side. I told her I crawl up into that one little corner there and hide. Then I don't know what's going on anymore and it doesn't bother me. And I usually don't really think or feel anything. She asked if I can still see. I can, I guess. My eyes are open. But I don't notice anything.

Then she said there's a name for that- dissociation. And I thought, "there's a whole bunch about that on the forum!" I didn't understand what it was before so I haven't really read much of those posts. Now I'm excited to learn about what all of you do to move away from dissociating.

I know it served a purpose when I was being abused. It doesn't serve that purpose anymore- it just keeps me from participating in noisy family dinners and sometimes pops up when I'm at work. I don't need it anymore. I have to admit, though, sometimes I am glad to disappear when things are noisy and chaotic. I'll be kind of sad to see this coping mechanism go.

 

[silkleaves]

I would be very happy to not do this anymore! lol Really though, I'm sure at one time I did it as a way to escape what I was going through in the moment...it definitely started when I was a kid, and now don't do it purposely...it's an automatic reaction that just happens and I don't realize it until I "come to" and time has passed that I have no memory of.

Sometimes it happens during a specific stressful situation, and other times, if I'm just generally stressed and anxious about things, I'll slip in and out of disassociation even if nothing is going on around me. It's something I'm struggling with to put an end to. I mentioned in another thread, that when I'm generally stressed out, I'll try to do meditation to keep my anxiety levels down. But during the disassociation, I have no idea what to do, because I've literally completely checked out and not even aware that I'm doing it. Very problematic.

 

[Fadeaway]

I have been trying to look things up because I think I do a couple of different types of dissociation. One type I just call my underwater thing. You know how when you are in a pool underwater and your movements feel more sluggish because of the water resistance and you can vaguely hear sounds that are above the water but they are muffled and distant?

Another, I am in a completely different world. I created it as a kid, but I go there not meaning to. Even though it I know it isn't real, it feels real like a very real dream. I feel so silly for doing it. I feel to old to do it because that is something for kids. I don't know if that is disassociation or not.

Then there is the type I don't really have any more but I used to. I was highly functioning but didn't really think about what I was doing, I felt numb. Physically and emotionally. Nothing affected me, I could feel neither happiness nor sadness. Heat nor cold bothered me. I did tasks like driving, cleaning, shopping, very well and efficiently, but when people tried to hold a conversation with me, I wasn't really there. That was right after 2 deaths including my mothers suicide and two near deaths of family including 16 hours of waiting to find out if my baby was alive or not. It got better over time though. I am not sure if that was dissociation either or just being in a permanent state of shock.

I also know that I check out completely and don't realize it after a bad trigger.

I think it is a great question though because because it is hard to get a clear definition of disassociation and it does seem like it comes in multiple forms to me.

 

[StellaBlue]

Another, I am in a completely different world. I created it as a kid, but I go there not meaning to. Even though it I know it isn't real, it feels real like a very real dream. I feel so silly for doing it. I feel to old to do it because that is something for kids. I don't know if that is disassociation or not.

I think this may be "maladaptive daydreaming" and it's a type of dissociation. I used to do it all the time...I created this whole world/story (actually, I had several to chose from). I could even be in two places at one time - like at work in the real world, but also in my own story world. It was very hard to give up because it was such a comfortable place to be.

 

[y5L]

It was very hard to give up because it was such a comfortable place to be.

That's kind of how I feel about dissociation in general. I think my biggest, hardest task is to convince myself it's better to stay grounded. That will probably take more work than actually putting it into practice.