I Never Wanted To Be At Uni

[scout86]

And you don't quit because....?

 

[Hashi]

I have now realised that their love and support will only be given if they agree with me.

I haven't read your diary but to me this is a false friend. What you say here isn't support, it's a form of trying to get one's own needs met.

Is it an option for you to take some time out from uni and thinking about employment, and focus on healing work? I recently had to take nearly a year off work, financially very difficult, many people fearmongering about what a disaster this would be. But I worked on healing, and I needed to do it.

 

[WillyKat]

I'm not going to give you the same old spew about a better job.

University life should be about other things first, like being exposed to new ideas, learning, an opportunity to meet new and (if you need them) better friends, and last but not least, counseling. Maybe try putting the job skills aspect aside and focus on the mind food, the stuff that makes your life richer thought it may not put money in your pocket.

I ended up becoming a professional student (meaning I got an advanced degree). It's a great way to avoid the real world.

But maybe my experience was entirely different. I grew up in a working class family and was the first to go to college. Nobody pushed me at all. I wanted to go. A lot of family members and friends wondered about my motivation (I could almost feel that). There was no money for it; I ended up with loans, etc. Maybe its the aspect of being told to go that makes it onerous for you. Just a thought.

 

[Ice_Fire]

I don't know how I could do that @Hashi. If I take a year out I lose my student funding, my therapist is here in the city I'm 'studying' in and I wouldn't be able to afford to live here. Which means returning 'home', where my abusers are. I'm stuck basically and I know I simply have to keep going.

I'm the first in my (biological) family to go, hell my parents can't read. Honestly, they are totally illiterate. Well, they can write their names and DOB and work out how much money they have. But can't produce a grammatically correct sentence. I never wanted to go but I was made such a fuss of by my school to be getting grades good enough to go 'in spite of everything'. This is what irks me about the laziness and taking the opportunity for granted comment from that person I care so much about. Very hurtful.

 

[digger]

I understand why that hurts so much given how hard you've worked.

I'm not personally convinced by the 'won't be able to hold down a job' argument. I'm not sure it would be more challenging than getting into and successfully completing your year at Uni last year while also managing PTSD and DID and therapy... I think as well there is wanting to be somewhere v's not wanting to be somewhere to take into consideration with regards to how manageable something is.

Is changing your course, or some of it, an option, to be doing something that interests you more? Not necessarily with any end goal in mind other than to enjoy it?

Another possible option which might give you some breathing space to think more about what you want could be to look at placements with voluntary organisations? That would likely mean moving though and leave you without the continuity in therapy :-/

 

[Ice_Fire]

Voluntary has one massive problem- finances? Also moving like you say.

I changed my degree to Philosophy and english over the summer. They then changed the course requirements so I now have to take logic, which was previously optional. I can't do logic, majorly struggling. And the lecturer is a tw*t, he's not replied to me emails even after I chased him up about it after class. He's sarcastic and stuck up his arse.

 

[digger]

Voluntary has one massive problem- finances? Also moving like you say.

Finances, no, not necessarily a problem which is why I suggested it. Some schemes offer accommodation/food/pocket money etc in return for work. Trying to think of examples .....There is work on organic farms which a lot of gap year people opt for, but also I did something (many years ago) working in supported living schemes which gave me a room and money for food, bills paid kind of thing. There are maybe other things too. But yes, it would probably involve moving so not really a great suggestion.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Oh, okay now it's a good suggestion. Maybe there's something in Edinburgh?! Or at least, close enough to Edinburgh that I could make the trip to see my T once a week/fortnight...? Hmm...

 

[digger]

Ha well probably part of the reason it occurred to me was because it was how I ended up in Edinburgh (but relocating from elsewhere to there)! Worth looking into at least maybe. Yes, even if not in the city there might something within travelling distance.

 

[scout86]

Most jobs you don't need to remember you age. Actually, a lot of days I don't need to remember my name either. I DO need to remember where I'm going next. I have an appointment book for that.

Seriously, think about the whole "can't hold a job" thing. Examine what you're good at, what you enjoy, what you find satisfying, what you can handle, what you'd rather not handle, and see where it fits with what someone else needs and is willing to pay for. There are a lot of opportunities out there. Sometimes you have to be creative.

If you could work at anything you want, without worrying about you're perceived limitations, what would it be?

 

[Ice_Fire]

I don't know. That's the point. I have no goal. There's no path with a destination. I'm just flailing about doing a degree that will boost my chances of doing whatever it is I end up doing to put a roof over my head. But I don't know what that would be

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Maybe just go do something you kind of like and you'll discover what your goal is while you do it. Explore the job market. Big chance you'll stumble upon some ideas or inspiration.

Scout's advice is really good.