I Piss Everyone Off But I Just Want Connection?

[howlite]

I've come to realize that I'm not a nice person, and haven't been since childhood trauma.

My closest friends say that I act superior to everyone. I know that I'm well known in my social circle for being distant and "extremely" assertive. Today, I happened to overhear a conversation wherein people called me irritating and pushy, and about how it's "hard to stand up to people, especially people like [me]." The friends who said it are the only people I feel even remotely close to.

It stung a lot more than I'd ever admit to them. It sounds just like how I'd describe my abuser. I haven't felt this hurt in a long time.

I don't feel like I'm any of the things they described. I am a bit of a know-it-all. I research as a hobby and my only useful quality is my ability to retain huge amounts of information. I'm sarcastic and tend to tease the people I care about, but I try to be careful not to go too far (after a few mishaps I had in grade school) and I never get offended when people tease me back, ever.

I am painfully aware that I am a deeply flawed person. I am not good at recognizing and responding to other people's emotions, to the degree that I'm often told that I should take the autism spectrum test. This issue came up in high school (with the same friends, no less, as I am not good at making new ones) quite a few times, and I found myself endlessly frustrated.

I repeatedly find myself unable to become closer to the people I care about most, all of my relationships are riddled with misunderstandings and lack of communication. I love my closest friends more than anything, but I have no idea how they feel. They never tell me, almost as if they are hiding something, or are afraid of me. I often think they are.

I'm afraid that if I am softer, I will be ignored. I'm afraid that if I am more gentle, I will be hurt.

I want to be valued for who I am, like anyone. Is the kind of understanding and connection I desire even possible for someone like me? I don't know how to be anything else.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

No real advice but I feel your pain.

 

[orangeweezel]

I don't have a ton of time to write the longer response I'd like to, but wanted to write to you nonetheless. The struggle you're experiencing makes so much sense in that you deeply need to feel safe and to avoid abuse. When that is the main priority, everything else becomes secondary, and sometimes can get totally ignored. The scary thing is that vulnerability and connection go hand in hand. There is no way to become truly connected to people without vulnerability. This is of course terrifying without complete certainty that we won't get hurt (which is impossible, even with the best possible friend). To be close is to risk pain. I've struggled with this so frequently over my life. I thought I was staying safe by being distant, but I realized that for me, it was just as painful to be alone as it was to risk being hurt. I slowly let people see more and more of me, finding out who was safe and trustworthy, and I gave them chances to reject me, rather than automatically assuming they would. I gave them chances to love me as well. I have been hurt since then, but the outpouring of love has made it completely worth it. I am still very slow to warm up, but I've been blessed to find amazing people almost everywhere I go (if I look hard enough, and work hard enough).

It also took me a while to really figure out what assertiveness meant. It doesn't mean (to me) just asserting myself, but it's a communication style that requires both people to be respected. I respect myself by setting boundaries and communicating needs/expectations, and I respect the other person's thoughts/feelings/desire as just as important as mine. When I thought about it in terms of respect it really helped me define when I was really being aggressive or passive (where somebody isn't getting respect) instead of assertive. A book that really helped me is called "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown. Beautiful book that opened my eyes to a lot of these ideas. I believe there is hope for you. But to become someone we've never been, we need to do things we've never done - and in this case is might be to take risks. Thoughtful, calculated risks. Good luck to you in this difficult journey!

 

[Deleted member 541]

@howlite First of all, you are not a "deeply flawed person ". You've had trauma, and it has skewed your viewpoint. Have you done any work with a therapist on your trauma???

I find that people that seem angry, lash out, or are as you put it, "extremely assertive" have deep rooted anger issues that they haven't resolved as of yet through therapy. Pretty typical is you've suffered abuse, but not acceptable behavior either. Double edge sword.

My suggestion would be to find a therapist, if you don't have one, and really work on your trauma. After time you will learn ways to reign in your "assertiveness" to a more even keel.

I think your friends do "value" you, they probably just don't like your assertiveness. If they didn't value you, they would have been gone a long time ago....

 

[Casey_03]

I'm afraid that if I am softer, I will be ignored. I'm afraid that if I am more gentle, I will be hurt.

Well, there you go, at least you're aware of why you might sometimes come off as a bit unfriendly or intimidating. I don't think this means you are "deeply flawed." Honestly, if I were you I would confront the friends I overheard saying I was "pushy" and "irritating" and gently ask why they feel that way. The only real way to feel closer to them and understand them is to ask them straight up why they think that and try to explain your side. If you don't, you're kind of just retreating back into your hardened shell and not attempting to change the situation.

 

[Thizette]

You make me laugh a bit, because you sound like me. I read a lot and retain a lot of information, I think about things analytically, and so I "ruin everything" and "why can't we just watch the movie and not ever talk about it"? My ex-husband even accused me of intellectual abuse. It was bullshit really; he just felt inferior and would be actually abusive verbally and financially.

But, it is common for us to take on some of the bad habits of our abusers and we need to watch for it and correct ourselves.

You should talk to your friends about how you feel and that you weren't aware you made them feel that way. Ask them to help you do better. If they're really your friends, they will.

Edit: if they were really your friends, they would have told you how they felt instead of talking behind your back. It is understandable that you are hurt.