I Realize That I

bird_on_a_wire

MyPTSD Pro
I have little tolerance for bs. Enough challenging the cognitive distortions and being treated like I'm an idiot in the process. Some thoughts and observations aren't distortions. So I can only blame myself, for trusting, and following that advice to examine my thinking that way. Foolish. It was correct all along. It only applies when it isn't.
 

bird_on_a_wire

MyPTSD Pro
You too @ladee :inlove: ? :hug:

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I knew they were just words, never meant. Blech. Fool again. No wonder hope is foolish. So are needs, wants and words. And feelings.
ETA, Never. Again.
 
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bird_on_a_wire

MyPTSD Pro
I accidentally heard a list of 13 qualities of kids of narcissists, and nearly every one I identified with. However, my parents were not, though it's so convoluted with other care givers. Or/ and, in that day you didn't need a caregiver around, so much. I think they probably overlap with trauma, stress, and they don't factor in personality, 'realities', norms of the day or situation, add, etc etc etc. Because I think things like extreme independence, keeping things to yourself, reading emotions, hypervigilance, peace making etc, seem to be able to be explained in a variety of ways (the, ~'if you have a hammer everything looks like a nail', concept). They did say one was you are deeply loving, so that was kind of nice. Don't know if it applies, because there's only one's own norm to know, but I would say so. I thought it was a deficit or abnormality. :laugh::rolleyes:
 

bird_on_a_wire

MyPTSD Pro
I heard the most useful thing, that if you're dismissive avoidant, asking for help feels shameful, and even more so- impractical. That is true, I think/ feel/ believe.

And that a neutral response, or no response, is a betrayal, and erodes trust more than a negative response. And that trust requires feeling the other person makes your needs a consideration, and words are congruent with actions. I am going to try to be better at that first part with my relative (I hope).
 
I've come to the realization that almost all of my suffering comes from my past. I'm also coming to the realization that I was "profoundly abandoned" as a child at some point in my life. I'm a freeze type from Pete Walker's book. I'm in desperate need for love and affection but I can never assert myself to get it because of the fear of rejection.
 
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