I Realize That I

Tornadic Thoughts

I realize I tried to separate, care for, and share the tomato starts way too soon and have now killed many of them. ?

I'm glad I didn't give them away until I knew if they'd make it or not. I should have known better after having grown things for as long as I have. But try to convince my brain of that when my heart insists on something.

It serves as a lesson than I can love and nurture something too much, and that can apparently do more damage than simply leaving it be would have.

Grateful to have more seeds to try again, and for knowing there will eventually be a whole lot of volunteer plants appearing in random places. This time I'll just start more pots rather than trying to separate and shock them.


It serves as a lesson than I can love and nurture something too much, and that can apparently do more damage than simply leaving it be
That's how I feel ^^, but with people. I realize someone can treat someone who treats them very very poorly, with ample respect, and feel the opposite about me when I've tried to only treat them well. But they don't see it as such.

I realize, hearing about childhood neglect, that it reminds me of exactly the same above ^^. The 2 of them hanging out together then, resulted in forgetting even where I was. I remember crying in the dark in movie theatres when the feature would start playing again. I realize that sounds trivial and stupid. Mind you, I was only 3 or 4. I didn't make a sound though, and didn't let anyone see. Later, like 5, I could handle it.
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I realize that benign and/or positive memories not feeling 'real' is a great indicator that I'm overwhelmed. Unless I am aware of this and appropriately adjust my expectations, little growth is likely to be accomplished.

I realize that I still approach healing with a somewhat forceful attitude. It doesn't much matter whether I should or shouldn't feel overwhelmed in response to a feeling or situation, the reality is that I do. Trying to push through this may work in the short-term for coping, but it is not an effective long-term strategy.

I realize that my reluctance to using the word 'trauma' to describe what I've gone through is perpetuating the invalidation that was interspersed throughout my childhood/adolescence/teenager-hood. This invalidation is far from helpful. Far from. I realize it will take me awhile to really get this.


I Realize That I have something to live for. That I'm not this crazy person my ex used to say that I was. Everything he said was a lie and that I was becoming abused. For so long I tried to lie to myself and not want to see it. Now that I see it and working on my inner self, that I'm working towards my healing process.

I'm a strong person and that I've come a long way, even if I feel like I haven't on some days. Because on some days I will cry and I will want to scream, but it's all apart of the healing process. This is why so many people don't truly understand what it's like to be abused. They haven't been through it. I'm not crazy, so many times I often thought that I was and that something was wrong with me.

I realized that I'm a good person and a kind person and I need to be gentle on myself. It may take awhile before I completely get over this and that's okay, everyone heals differently. I realize that no matter what, I will not give up and I will help others who need it.


I wish you didn't understand @Tornadic Thoughts , but I thank you deeply for your kind words of support and understanding.

That's the thing- respect of course is earned, not likely to be respected if you don't respect yourself, and we are responsible for our own feelings and reactions (and behaviours). But I do find it difficult to also understand: if anger means needs are not being met, and then (I) become the object of the anger, is it because of my role, or scapegoating on to another? I also don't understand where frustration ends and abuse begins. I simply want to live with a modicum of peace, and live and let live. I can't change what relates to my core characteristics, only my behaviours, and it's very hard to know what to change when it is not expressed- 'you are n/g' is not easily definable. Also, where does love come in to play, if at all?

But, just as equally, it shouldn't be something I take to heart as I do, but I do.


@ladee Thank you for saying, to share with us. I wish it wasn't so. :( :cry: . Just to say I/ we love you & are here. :hug: ?

I realize ever since a very small child I have had to live nearly constantly with great uncertainty. I need a sense of stability or I am so anxious I crumble. I thought it was just stress. But It's the stress, the past, the reality that mostly always was, and what was part of it and followed.

And catastrophising becomes, is this what it is?, what is next? Because so many very bad and unexpected things happened.