I Realize That I

[Tinyflame]

I realize that I had a 1/2-meltdown hearing prayer doesn't change anything, because prayer is all I have. I's the only resource I have to survive each day, & for my fers for others, of which I cannot help them.

I realize it's validating, amidst past history + FB's, that others get it would be hard to see or go through gruesome things. That is, even though they were not nearly as horrendous, but they were well outside the scope of normal life & actually horrendous, that to even see such things is impactful. Not just what happens to us, but what we've seen others go through.

Because it's part of what makes you (me) wish I didn't survive it, either. I have never had any self-compassion surviving it or 'only' being a 'witness' to such things.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Junebug I wish truely that you would be able to eventually jump the hurdle of SI, and that you would not consider not surviving as a option for you anymore. I would hope and pray that you will be able to do this in your lifetime.

You are so sweet and kind and gentle and you support so many people here.:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

@gizmo you are always so kind to me, thank you with all my heart. :notworthy: :hug: :hug: :hug:

I realize I watched my dad get knocked off- literally & criminally it was murder. Coming from a family with cancer genetically in it, & beig exposed to much death, & only post about 36 hours dignosis, it wasn't the way any 'natural' death I have ever seen goes. Even doing palliative care. And I knew it then too.

Sort of like any two of us here talking, joking (which he did), no matter how ill, but minutes later, one gone. But not a heart attack,, or a compliction, no treatment, not otherwise going to happen 'within minutes', by any means. Hanging on for my sister to get there, too.

I always thought it was so bad I said nothing or didn't stop it. But I realize it was bad/ impactful to watch, too. Especially because by the second go I really knew what was going on.

ETA, I suppose, rather than know (because I cannot view it or remember how it was to be that age, I view it from an adult perspective) that it was harder to stomach or contend with being 14, versus even if I was an adult.

 

[Tinyflame]

I also realize that 'we' ('we' being the general public/ majority/ adults) understand & don't want people/ our loved ones to suffer or languish, & most people already envision that with the "C" word. Something different when it's genetic though, it shows earlier (often in 20's onward), but also progresses more slowly, for example I've had 2 relatives diagnosed in their 20's & 30's with it for 20+ years, & another one diagnosed in her 20's got rid of it. But I realize that it's hard for people without that experience in their family, or who are pro-assisted death, to not imagine a quick death as a blessing if you've got The Big C.

I realize it was lucky he made his will & got someone to hear his confession (he was RC), 4-6 hours earlier. I'm glad he had some laughs & private time with my mom right before, too.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize that, not only do I rely on pryer/ God, but I always subscribed to that saying, "greter things are wrought by prayer than this world will ever know".

I also think of 'prayer' as the good intentions/ thoughts/ energy/ deeds of any & all people.

 

[Anrish]

I realize that I don't like the taste of too sweet stuff anymore (I started to eat less chocolate and stuff...and even a flavour in my macchiato is already too much now. :confused:)

I realize that I've got quite an impact on people.

I realize that people trust me and think I'm reliable.

I realize that I like to rhyme stupid stuff.

I realize that I'm looking forward to my vacation.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize this makes me laugh, people who can

rhyme stupid stuff.

:)

I realize prayers are all I also mostly even have to give.

I realize I have some 'accomplishments' of sorts, I should write down here.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I realize prayers are all I also mostly even have to give.

I realize perhaps that I might mention this, "...all I have to give..." is minimization of yourself as well as spirituality and/or the higher power that you may pray to. I have heard during natural disasters self proclaimed atheist pray.

So I will break my own cardinal rule and utter this cognitive distortion-
Never doubt, the power in prayer nor your heart that offers. :hug::hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Never doubt, the power in prayer nor your heart that offers. :hug::hug:

Oh isn't that beautiful @Recovery4Me , & I somehow missed it entirely. :wideeyed: I have copied it, thank you. :notworthy: :notworthy: :hug:

I was thinking, I've actually survived so much severe things that things people recognize are traumatic I have minimized for myself.
It's a wonder I stiill remained empathetic, considering what I've ignored about my own circumstances/ history!

Does anyone think it's possible, to change how we view ourselves by letting go (by decision) of what others have said (abuse etc), & concentrating on good things saidonly? (I mean, as a serious question?)

.. off to make a thread lol.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Junebug with a lot of self-dialog, self-compassion, therapy work perhaps (was needed for me) and for some people the additional promise of forgiveness by their choice of higher power ... YES.

It is possible for many people have already succeeded on some level - to change how we view ourselves by letting go of what others have abusively said. Neurosciences are proving out that new pathways can be built. DBT, CBT, Mindfulness Meditation, spirituality and other formats have shown solid statistics in healing on many levels. Anyway that's my story and I'm sticking to it.:laugh: ps... I have as well let go and moved forward in some degree within some of those areas.:hug::hug:

 

[The Albatross]

I realize that I abandon things I enjoy because other players don't follow the "rules". For some reason it pisses me off that people think the "rules" of a game don't apply to them and therefore, I abandon things I thoroughly enjoy... (addendum: IF --- big if... people follow that damn rules. If they don't then I'm outta there.)

Okay so what does that even mean?

 

[trying2movefwd]

Can't remember a lot of subjects I learned! It's bothersome!