I really need something to make me feel better today...

[SeekingAfrica]

This week has gone in a blink, and for whatever reason I was anxious a big amount of it. I can't even say why, every day it's just been a fight getting anything done. And now I am finally calm, but on the opposite end of things- really really sad and depressed. I postponed meetings and pushed things I could do in the last days, and I did what I was able to. After few better weeks, this week was a huuuge dip in my mood. And a step backwards into very low-functioning mode.

So nothing catastrophic has happened yet. I've dealt with upcoming things as best as I could, and for all I know, probably I'll manage the month okay, even if I felt like this longer. But that just makes me so sad... I've been so used to things being bad for a long time, but they were finally starting to be better and this week was a huge step back and it reminded me how things were for the whole past year.

And now I feel awful. Exhausted from the waves of anxiety today. Disappointed for everything I didn't manage to do. Sad that I am too tired to know how much I'll manage to work and having to just do my best. Sad that I'm too worn out and too depressed to work at the desk and I'm rather working in bed. Knowing that I should workout and cook and sleep and it will be healthier to keep those things up while I feel how I feel, but being too sad to do it. It's like I am so sad that I can't remember why I'm awake or why I need to work. So I'm working in bed in 15min chunks on my laptop and watching random videos in between, because that is about all the energy I have right now. Watching videos of people organizing themselves(both their lives, and their planners, it usually inspires me to do the same) and needing to feel more together, to do something that will help me have something exiting to hold onto right now, but being too exhausted for going to store or pretty much anywhere. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring, or even what I'll manage to do today. I feel useless, but too exhausted(mostly from all the anxiety) to do any better. I need to be excited about something, but nothing feels good right now. I even had my favorite coffee, as hot as I like it, with something sweet, and I don't feel any better... I was thinking about resetting my planner in different system and I love planner things and doing that sounds great...but that would involve printing and cutting and arranging paper and I don't have that in me right now. All I can do is make sure I get myself to dance class tomorrow, and tonight, doing few more 15min chunks of work. I know this sounds pathetic, but this is where I'm at. And it feels even worse, because for a while I got to experience feeling normal again. And now I just need a reason- or reasons to keep holding on until I feel better...

 

[ladee]

The ebb and flow , and ups and downs can be so exhausting. We really get our hopes up when things are good for awhile. And then we come crashing down.

It makes it hard to look at what we were doing to help the good to happen to begin with. It doesn't mean you have done anything wrong, or haven't worked hard enough, it means you are having a down time. A hard and exhausting down time.

Accepting where we are, feeling or not feeling. Busy or staying in bed to work. But you are working. You have figured out a way to keep yourself from totally crawling under the covers and saying 'forget it'.

I don't know if you are on any meds, or how old you are, there could also be physical reasons for the down time. And, as much as it sucks, it is part of how we end up having more good than bad.

I hate that we have this, and it makes us question everything we do. Or can't do. Or don't want to do.

I hope things improve for you. Maybe taking the 'shoulds' off the list for a few days will lighten your load. It doesn't matter how long something takes, forward is still forward.

Sending hugs of support. :hug:'s

 

[SeekingAfrica]

You have figured out a way to keep yourself from totally crawling under the covers and saying 'forget it'.

I don't know if you are on any meds, or how old you are, there could also be physical reasons for the down time. And, as much as it sucks, it is part of how we end up having more good than bad.

I hope things improve for you. Maybe taking the 'shoulds' off the list for a few days will lighten your load. It doesn't matter how long something takes, forward is still forward.

Sending hugs of support. :hug:'s

Thanks! It's been really a hard week. Well, I've been on new meds for a month, and they seemed much more helpful than anything else I've ever tried. But then they upped my dose because it seemed it was helping, and I've been on the new dose exactly for a week... so maybe it has had the opposite impact? Not sure. But I have a checkup next Friday so I can talk about it then.

It's also a heavy month of important things that need to happen. Historically it's rarely a good month for me, but last one was so bad it really left a mark. I spend most of it having some very suicidal thoughts curled up on my parents house. And at the time pretty much everything was a mess, I didn't have work, everything else was bad and I was too depressed to even get up much. All those things seem to have compounded into the week I've been having, I think.

But that doesn't help. I have to deal with some documents this month, and the last time I did that was the time when I was the most anxious and depressed last year. And thinking that there was no point to anything and I'll never get better. So I keep getting these flashes of how it felt. Flashes of feeling so low that everything seemed pointless. It's making it very hard to do the things I'll need to do this month. I had big plans for the month, but this week was so low it's been really really bad. I am planning to push anything non-essential forward to January and just deal with the 'must-do'things. And if things change and I'm able to do more I will.

But right now I just feel low, and vulnerable. Which also tends to bring other memories. So I am an emotional time-bomb. So if few todo-s get done later but my health gets more stable, than I'm okay with that. Because feeling the way I've been feeling has been getting scarier by the minute. Tonight I'm letting go for a night, literally doing nothing, hoping I finally feel rested tomorrow.