General I Said Something Extremely Dumb To My Sufferer.

[dms]

Sarah. You are desperate to get him back and his irrational PTSD actions are making you crazy too. I understand because I did the same thing and more in the past. It doesn't work. He will eventually push you further away, if he feels manipulated. Sorry!

 

[p-no]

I can cover my feelings while I am with him.

Covering your feelings is neither healthy nor helpful for you or the situation. It's suppressing something that is there and real. It's not being honest with yourself.

I am sure, nursenurse didn't mean it literally when she said that you should never come across as emotionally needy. It's not the "coming across" that should be your focus, but what "factually is", and the facts are:

Yes I am "in" love with him.

I just want him in my life.

By hiding them you push yourself away; that can be detrimental to yourself, if done long-term. And no matter if you do it successfully, you may not get the end result you wish for! He might not love you, now or later.

I made the same experience like you a few years ago with someone with another disorder and PTSD on top. He did the same thing your guy did. At the time I felt vey certain he still had feelings for me, but, and that's key, he took a decision. You can take a decision and stick to it even though you feel something differently. (And, for the records, I am not saying I was correct in assuming my guy actually still had feelings for me.)

I was in love once and it turned into love, the feeling of love, that is. That, too is a difference. I felt love for him, and still took the decision to leave him. I took my feeling of love with me and it lasted another year before it subsided. But I took that decision and have stuck to it since. Also, it will not change in future. Because this is best for me.

I also think that you are abusing his trust. He trusts you are telling him the truth when you say you don't love him anymore. Because he believes that, he meets up with you and spends time with you. I would ask myself whether he would be spending that time with me if he knew? This paragraph, of course, is based on what you shared with us about him, so when I write things like "he trusts you" or "because he believes you" it's really an assumption based on what you shared in your posts.

Please also consider thinking carefully about how much you would suffer day in day out spending time with him and suppressing your feelings. Having his face right before you but not "being allowed" to touch it. Not "being allowed" to kiss him. Not "being allowed" to tell him you love him. It's hell, I'm telling you, from experience.

I am sorry you are hurting so much.

 

[nursenurse]

It's more the desperate, than the emotionally needy that i was concerned with. We all need our emotions tended to upon occasion. It's just i don't think he can deal with it now. Doesn't mean that your emotions or feelings are invalid. He just might not be the person who can validate them for you now, or ever. However, if you are constantly plying at him, then that does come off as emotionally needy/desperate above and beyond what is normal and healthy, from the emotional needs stand point.

I can relate about that love without really being in love. It takes time to learn the difference, even with an old war horse like me. Happened after my separation, I was looking, in hindsight, for some emotional validation. It took me years to get completely over that post separation, and I am all the much wiser for it.

 

[p-no]

It's more the desperate, than the emotionally needy that i was concerned with.

nursenurse, just in case you made this comment with reference to my post, what I really wanted to stress was the "come across" in this part:

"I am sure, nursenurse didn't mean it literally when she said that you should never come across as emotionally needy."

What I meant was that a person can change their behaviour to come across as being different and/or feeling differently than they are and I meant to stress that it does not help to "pretend" differently, i.e. say you don't feel love for them when you do, because it does neither help yourself nor the other nor the situation.

I said this because I see this frequently on the forums from partners of a person with PTSD. They seem to go to great lengths and cross their own boundaries frequently and partly massively to "come across" as being able to deal with things, having no worries of their own, don't needing their partner to want to deal with them, etc. That's why it was important for me to say that it's important to actually be able to be happy and not just strong in a relationship!

Just for clarification.

 

[nursenurse]

No problems. We are on the same page. Lierally, too, I guess ;)

 

[Spring]

Sarah_1990,

Those guys already have a very difficult struggle with what goes on in their head/thoughts. They don't need manipulation added on top of all of that. My suggestion, you need to do some homework on PTSD. I think that you're having a struggle with wrapping your mind around the illness - causes and effects. This is a serious illness that your dealing with, not a relationship issue.

Give him some space and time. He needs to be able to sort his thoughts.

 

[Hashi]

So I have no chance

I have no idea but I think in general relationships always have a better chance if you're honest with the other person and you can be strong enough to give them space when they ask for it.

His actions and stuff when we see each other, proved to me that he still loves me and that I think it is too hard for him to be around me... But I want him to continue to see me and be in his life.

It isn't proved, it's your take on things. I'm feeling very uncomfortable with what you're saying about knowing how he really feels, despite what he says. Wondering or hoping is one thing, certainty is another.

You obviously love him and are hurting badly. I'm very sorry for that and I do mean this kindly. I'm afraid I think it's blurring your thoughts and feelings about what might be best for him. Even according to your way of thinking, is it a good idea for him to continue to see you if it's too hard for him to be around you at the moment? If he's felt a need to push you away, is it good for him that you're trying everything you can to push back into his life right now?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Trust doesn't come easy for many of us with PTSD. You admit to lying to him, so essentially you've potentially made things worse.

You've seen him when he's lovey-dovey, but the true test is whether or not you can live with both the ups AND the downs of his PTSD. I wish you the best.