I Saw My Mother Today.

[Loner]

On the surface, to a strangers eyes, my mother would of seemed a normal caring mother, but she is an actress, I believe she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This is the woman who was emotionally and sexually abusive towards me. The sexual abuse was not THAT bad as far as I can remember. What was much worse was the feeling that she just didnt care about me, everything was about her and her feelings and even when she seemed to act like a normal mother it was just to get attention or something. For my entire childhood no one ever really seemed to care about me or how I was doing.

I havent spoken to her in years, probably about 6 or 7 i think. We sent a few emails back and forth last summer, basically her asking why I never talked to her and me telling her I didn't believe she cared about me and that she has hurt me a great deal and that I felt little desire to have her in my life.


Fast forward to about a week ago, she emailed me to tell me I had a letter from the IRS, and for some reason it felt like the right reply was to tell her I would stop by to pick it up since I was going to be in town in a few days anyways. So I went over there today. I thought she was going to immediately latch onto me and hug me whether I wanted her to or not but she actually respectfully kept her distance. I kept things brief and after a few minutes of talking about some boxes of random odds and ends I had left in her basement she asked for a hug I said I didn't want to hug her but told her I wished her the best and to take care.

So after that I got to thinking. I don't believe any part of her ever really cares about anyone but herself and I doubt she has changed, but she is my mother, and enough time has gone by that perhaps it would only be fair to allow her the chance to talk about our relationship, so I called her and told he if she wanted to talk I'd be willing to talk. 4pm on Monday.

I'm not sure how thats going to go. I'm not scared of her. Honestly I've accepted that shes never going to care about me, that she did the best she could but she just isn't ever going to be a mother to me. This will be a chance to tell her how she hurt me and how lonely and uncared for I felt as a child. I do not think she will admit any of the really bad stuff she did to me, and I highly doubt she will be receptive to even hearing that she was sexually inappropriate to me, and perhaps I shouldn't even bring it up. We shall see I guess.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I really am impressed in how calm you were in dealing with your mother. Good job. You are growing and learning amazing things. How mature of you to be able to talk to her like that.

 

[Loner]

Thank you gizmo. I guess you're right and I should pat myself on the back and be proud of that. I have been processing things since seeing her this morning and I just feel sad. I don't feel angry at her any more because it really wasnt her fault she was born with NPD, but it just makes me feel sad. I would of really liked to of had a mother. I would of really of liked to of felt special and important and cared about by someone.

 

[Philippa]

What can you do to make yourself feel these things? Learning to nurture ourselves and be our own mothers is not something that comes easy.

 

[Lucycat]

I would of really liked to of had a mother. I would of really of liked to of felt special and important and cared about by someone.

Me too!

I am impressed with your reaction. I have not seen my mother for 2 years. We talk occasionally on the phone but that is the extent of our relationship now. I don't think my mother would ever acknowledge or comprehend that my childhood was less than perfect. I don't know if I will ever see her again. She is certainly not giving me any clues that she wants it to be any different.

 

[The Albatross]

Try to square up thoughts and feelings as you are able and keep it in the present. That's what I have to do in interactions with my own mother and even my mother-in-law. Better outcomes that way, and less emotional backlash.

 

[Loner]

Thanks for the replies. I'm doing pretty ok right now, just kind of torn, part of me wants to really be honest with her about how messed up she was to me, and confront her about the weird sexual things. THen I think that won't do any good and I should just state the fact I felt she never seemed to legitimately care about my feelings and only her own and leave the really f*cked up things alone for now.

I guess it depends whether or not I think she might actually and it some wrongdoing if I only confront her about the very tame ways in which I feel she failed me.[DOUBLEPOST=1399844431,1399844227][/DOUBLEPOST]I also just want to thank Gizmo Philippa and Albatross, you three seem to consistently be here for me when I need someone to be and I am so grateful. Thank you so much your support has helped me a lot over the years since I joined her.

 

[Loner]

This felt like something I should and could do when I made these plans. Now that its this afternoon I am feeling far less capable of dealing with it. My emotional state is ugg this is going to suck. I know I can do it though. I do feel like I owe her at least a conversation.

 

[Philippa]

I think doing anything out of feeling obligation, or owing isn't really the best, though I know it is hard to escape all obligations in life.

Do you want to have a conversation with her?

I said pretty much what you were thinking of saying to my mother in my last email to her...she did not reply. I'm not saying yours will definitely have the same reaction, but if the silent treatment was ever her primary method for punishing you, as it was for my mother, then it's a possible outcome...

 

[Loner]

Well I did it. It was really not that bad. She is harmless now. Weak and unhappy and not capable of being honest with herself but she has little to no power to hurt me. We talked for a couple hours. I gave her the sugar coated version of why I don't feel close to her, basically just told her I don't believe she cares about me. I did not go into the really bad stuff she did. Really it just made me feel lonely. Just reminded me how I don't have anyone to turn to for support and acceptance when things aren't going well for me and reinforced the fact that the only person I will ever be able to count on is myself. I guess thats not so bad but it does make me feel lonely.



I agree with you Philippa, for much of my childhood I put my parents and brother's feelings ahead of my own, which was not healthy for any of us. I think though, if you are aware and honest with yourself about it, it is ok to do some things out of a sense of responsibility or duty. It wasnt really that I owed it to her, its that I owed it to myself to be the kind of person that does that, if that makes any sense.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you so much for the appreciation Loner.

I think you were incredibly brave and courageous to talk to your mom and have the calm to do it.

You are a good and decent person who shows mercy yet can confront your abuser. I am so proud of you. You must be further along in your healing and recovery to do that knowing the reality of where your mom is.

I never confronted my parents and sibs. I just disconnected because they brought out the worst in me. They made me feel crazy. No one believed me and it was all very sad.

I wish you the best in your healing and recovery. Hugs.

 

[Philippa]

It wasnt really that I owed it to her, its that I owed it to myself to be the kind of person that does that, if that makes any sense.

I think I get it. You are doing this for yourself, and your own character, not her. There's everything right about that.

I haven't quite been able to make it to being merciful towards them, though I am working on it. I used to be way too forgiving, so I think I went the extreme opposite way in order to get the message across that I wasn't going to put up with their crap any more.

It doesn't feel natural for me, in fact so much of the estrangement process has been so unbelievably painful and unnatural, 'wrong' feeling to me that I questioned it so many times. Yet, I still knew that I was doing the right thing, but emotionally it just hurts so much.