General I Sense My Husband May Have Been Sexually Abused

[EvenStrongerNow]

OK. I've been on this forum for awhile due to my own PTSD. I believe my husband has it too. He has triggers, recurring nightmares, body dysmorphia, workaholism (to the point of obsession), terrets syndrome (just the body twitches), and other OCD behavior, self esteem issues, etc. He goes into the bathroom a lot and shuts the door to look at himself in the mirror, thinks his muscles are getting smaller or that he has gained weight when it's not true, picks at himself. He is a wonderful man. He doesn't talk about anything from his childhood that was bad. His family upbringing was fairly great, although his father was never there for him emotionally, but he has a great relationship with his family.

He is in recovery from alcohol, heroin, etc for the past 9 years....

Last night, we were laughing about when we were kids how we had a small crush on our cousins and then we realized that we weren't allowed to lol It was a light hearted discussion. Then, he started telling me about how when he was a little boy, he and several little girls played doctor. Now, I know that lots of us did that, but I just had a deep sense of knowing and I don't know why. I stopped him dead in the middle of the conversation and said, "Were you ever sexually abused as a child?"

The mood of the discussion obviously changed to an uncomfortable one, but I could see in his eyes just how uncomfortable it was for him. I saw him choke back noticeable tears. He took 10 seconds literally to say, "Why would you ask me that? That's uncomfortable." So, I asked him the same question again, emphasizing that it was just a question. Then, after swallowing and looking everywhere but at me, he replied, "No."

After that, it was clear to me that he dissociated for the rest of the night. He avoided looking in my eyes at all costs, he would distract it by hugging me instead so he didn't have to look at me, or something else. He would stare into the room. When I asked him what he was thinking about, he kept telling me nothing. He started getting stomach aches and feeling very tired so we went to bed. I put on some meditation music and tickled his back til he fell asleep. He woke up last night from a nightmare. I was still awake. I told him it was safe and that I'm right next to him and he fell back asleep.

Now, I don't know if my sensing is true or not, but what do I do? I know for a fact that I can't push it out of him. I have PTSD and I know what that feels like. I want so badly for him to talk about it. What should I do? Should I just make it come out of him and help him to feel? I'm lost. I want him to heal and I want to help him. I know part of that may be some issues on my own part, but I really love him.

Thanks for listening.

 

[The Albatross]

Considering he is recovering or in recovery for booze and heroin, what is more important here? You planted the seed, suggesting that perhaps he may have been sexually abused. Leave it be. He's obviously uncomfortable with it. I expect it will eventually come up in his continuing recovery. If you push it you risk his relapse.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Okay. I believe you. So, I should just let it go?..... I didn't suggest it. I just asked. It was just a question. It's really difficult letting it go. If it happened, I want him to heal....

 

[amethist]

You will have to let him process this himself StrongerNow, please do not push him for more information.

You may have opened something up he is not yet ready do deal with. He will heal in time as he works through it all, and as you know yourself, you cannot do it for him.

 

[The Albatross]

If it happened, it is his choice to deal with it. What you want for him is really irrelevant. Concentrate on your own healing and as things progress, if he begins to initiate conversations you can cross that bridge when the time comes. Support his recovery from his addictions and perhaps learn from others in the supporter forum how to deal with any issues or feelings that you have as they arise?

My husband is coming to terms some, in his own time and in his own ways with his issues. Vicariously through me he learned about recovery. I focus on my own recovery, he on his. Our relationship is independent of these. I have quirks and issues, so does he. It doesn't interfere with the relationship anymore (post recovery). It is though normal to want the best for people we love, but people grow and change, or not -- in their own time and in their own way. I hope this helps you.

 

[Powder]

I am also confused about the role of a family member and caregiver. Therapists would themselves back way off, and likely, would not have even asked the question. They are good at allowing the person to initiate the new levels, at least in theory.

However, it can take years and never surface. On a personal level, I am not that patient. We have ? years left, and life is short. I agree that pushing people is pointless, and can even cause the opposite reaction than the one you want. On the other hand, letting it go completely will tell the person that you are not interested in continuing the conversation. Rather, how about being honest, and telling the person that all you want is their comfort and healing, at their own pace, and that you are interested in being there for them for whatever they are working on, realizing that pretty much all healing takes place outside the comfort zone, and establishing safety while committing to meeting them where they are at. I'm not sure how to put it, but I don't think a total walk away shows your level of concern or dedication. But I agree that being pushy is inherently unsafe and not for the best of the other person.

In my case, with my siblings in denial who know but don't want to "go there," at all, I told them I want honesty and trust, and we can't have that if they are holding out and hiding. I know the need to do the hiding; been there, done that. But I think someone has to say it, in a loving but direct way. This is a different relationship though. I witnessed the abuse, so I'm not really asking them "If" but if they are willing to "go there," and deal with what I know happened, based on my not 100% perfect memory.

Facts are one thing, but a person's process of remembering and processing is another. They are not different altogether but the journey is very personal and unique. There are spiritual and personal growth aspects to the healing journey. Facts are less important overall than these other elements to the person.

Make sure you question yourself first, and daily, not him. And ask yourself if he's been growing in the more important ways. If so, the rest will follow. If not, then remembering a fact or admitting to the fact of abuse won't be inherently "healing." (I have to remember this for my family, too.)

I just hope I'm not too triggered and confused to help here. My point is that the bigger picture of the person is at stake, and some continual support is a good thing, but where are they going with that support. And while I 100% agree that people will continue to see "remembering" and facing the pain as healing, I am now seeing that it's just a very big step in a lot of other vital steps. Don't make my mistake and pin too much on that one big step. Brave step, yes, but not as vital as the others he's already taken.

Hang in there, as you know, it's a long haul.

XOXO Muse

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If you open his pandoras box, he may very well hate you for it. It's not your decision to make him open up about past sexual abuse. I encourage you to flip things in your mind. It shouldn't be hard as you have PTSD. Would you want someone to pressure you to talk about your trauma?

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Haven't been on forum for a while but think this is such an important area, I'll add my views.

SOL makes a v good point about pandora's box. And I think it's important we remember we are carers not therapists - something worth reminding ourselves about regularly.

If we have personal experience that enables us to empathise that can be v helpful but that doesn't give us the green light to tell people what's best for them. We can all 'get there' but our journey's are our own.

I wouldn't want to receive counselling from my husband and know he would want it from me. Although it's nice to give support to one another. Being kind is an art.

love & respect to all

 

[Powder]

Again, from what I learned about PTSD and really any trauma-related dissociation, it's there for a reason. Individuals have healing the overall person to do before any memories can surface. Sometimes the memories of traumas never surface, but healing is going on all the while. It's not critical to remember facts about trauma. It's critical to focus on overall healing and behavior goals.

It sounds like he's healing and changing and talking. Just keep that going.

Exposure therapy is not something I am experienced in, nor is EMDR. There seems to be a current theory that while those with dissociation and PTSD will actively avoid trauma reminders and memory, there is a need to face those fears. Only time and further study will tell if this is true for the majority, or just a few. I know some will say this is true for them, personally.

For me, a fear ran from always seems worse than a fear squarely faced.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I haven't asked at all since that 1 time but he has had what he calls traumatic nightmares for the last 5 nights. He says and at work lately, he has a deep sense of feeling not good enough. I very gently suggested therapy and assured him that the emotional workout doesn't equal having to stop life. It may be scary but the rewards are that you won't hit as many brick walls if you have someone neutral to talk it out to. He says he is into it if he can find time to go. That's a start.

 

[Powder]

StrongerNow,

From your post, I get the sense that you are able to listen and be supportive and offer compassion and empathy. All very important and good. I feel that you are helping him to feel safe. If you have PTSD (I think you said you have this diagnosis?) is this difficult and does it take a lot of energy for you?

I know that I feel very drained when I am done being the "Carer." I love doing it, and was able to more so before life's responsibilities and stressorts started weighing me down to this point. I have a lot of good stress, but feel over-taxed constantly. My symptoms have grown with each passing year; that or I am noticing them more. Probably both! As this has occured, I worry that I'm less able to do the things you are doing.

But I want to say that I'm happy with how you've handled it; both by asking on the forum about it before deciding, and also by being so gentle and supportive. He's lucky to have you!

Muse

 

[Powder]

This topic brings up two very painful spots for my sister and I. I don't have to ask her, because I witnessed her abuse. It's uncanny to have someone you watched over and tried to save, someone you grieve about not being able to save from abuse, tell you it didn't happen, or that if it did, not by that person. She can't remember the identity of the abuser. And she angrily defends the abuser, saying it cannot be him...because he's our Dad. :( Even knowing the pain that is the final letting go of the denial in order to not have to face this, I don't know how we are able to dissociate such important facts so selectively. Weirdly, I denied the severity of the abuse, minimizing it. She sees the severity, and she denies the identity of the abuser. We both used the opposite end of the equation with the same method with different results, so far. Such that, even if she faces the fact the abuser is her Dad, will she have the ability to deal with that in a healthy way?

The second painful spot is the playing doctor. Realizing that it was not an excuse to peek under clothes and take back one's sexuality in play for everyone was another blow today. When non-abused kids play doctor, that is what they play. When sexually abused kids play doctor, it is a way to use play to process what has been experienced that doesn't compute, and so sexual confusion, fears and thoughts are there. I do not know if non-abused kids also use Playing Doctor as a sexually curious expression. I don't know if that's even been studied or if clinicians have opinions on it. It's just one of the things that one wonders. In fact, I was pondering this when one of my kids told me they were playing doctor, and I just didn't know how to respond. It was obvious that to my kids, there is no dirty little secret to the game at all. I am glad for that. But this showed me how growing up in an abusive home is living in a parallel universe from your own kids. We love across the divide, and I want them over there on that side, where games are innocent. And maybe they won't have such intense fears of going to the Doctor.