I Stop Taking Care Of Myself

[kagamine]

I don't just mean that I stop doing the extra stuff. I stop caring what happens to me. I stop eating and sleeping. To the point that I've had sleep deprivation psychosis. I feel paralyzed and in a fog. I'm not sure if I'm safe anymore, but I'm as tired of the hospital as they are of me. I don't know why I can't bring myself to take care of myself in the most basic of ways.

 

[Captain Kirk Lazarus]

I feel sometimes like you do, but when I feel like giving up I just can't. i could just sit and stare into space forever frozen..... Don't give up, keep fighting! It's people like us that need to reach out to one another, because only we know what we are going through.

 

[shimmerz]

Hi @kagamine . Yes, I am affected by this type of behaviour as well. I still have issues with it. I don't feel pain or hunger or cold or anything like that which further complicates this issue for me. I have learned to find things that I do that is self care (brushing teeth) and remind myself while I am doing it that it is self care. Every day I try to expand my 'self care' routine and remind myself that it is self care. It has helped me tremendously.

Also, it helped me to externalize. I might not 'eat' for myself, but if I knew someone was concerned about my not eating, or not dressing warmly enough, I would remind myself that they were concerned about it. To this day, every time I go outside, I think of a friend who has for 5 years now reminded me every day to check the temperature outside so I don't freeze/broil to death.

 

[Leigh925]

I do the same thing sometimes. I think in some ways I am reenacting some of the neglect I experienced as a child. It usually comes after I am really hard on myself about something.

I won't sleep, eat or even take the time to allow myself to go to the bathroom. I will ignore all body signals until I just can't anymore.

Now that I recognize I am doing it I think I am doing it less and less. But sometimes I am in the midst of it before I even know it!

I won't nourish myself. Even if I eat It would be something small to pacify the physical symptoms.

So I have been working harder at actually nourishing my body in good times so I can more quickly recognize when the neglectful side of me is starting to kick in.

 

[Sweet Girl]

Kagamine,

I've gotten into this dilemma off and on throughout my life, but never recognized it as a side effect of the PTSD until recently. It happens when I'm overwhelmed with stress. I moved to a new state last March and started seeing a new T later in the summer. My stress levels were so high she was trying to talk me into considering hospitalization to remove the outside stressors.

For me, going into the hospital felt a lot like complete loss of control and freedom yet at the same time, sounded like the reprieve I needed. I had to have some relief or it felt like I was going to have a heart attack. For years, I have been avid about eating right, hygiene and exercise, and quite frankly, this is what has probably me survive so well over the years. Because of the stress, I completely lost the interest or ability to take care of myself, all my healthy habits went out the window. I was lucky if I brushed my teeth, ate for a whole day or bathed some days. I didn't care, or at least I didn't think I did. Then I started drinking and smoking again (still smoking but taking it one day at a time).

My therapist explained how not eating affected my sleep patterns and anxiety levels from a physiological perspective. Those words gave me a small sense of control over my PTSD, body and soul. And it gave me a sense of control over not having to go into the hospital. I just set the thought in my head that I wasn't going to give up. No matter how hard it was, I forced myself to take bites of food at normal meal times. Sometimes I had to write notes to myself or put it on the calendar but each day I did it, the easier and easier it got. And, the best part of it was that I FELT BETTER!! I trained myself to listen to my body, it can be really hard for some of us. My stomach used to growl so loud that other people would ask me if I was hungry and I didn't even realize my stomach was growling.

And as Captain Kirk says in an earlier post, Don't give up!! We all need each other here. As hard as it is, remind yourself that this is temporary and you want to be healthy when it passes so you can enjoy life. Take care of yourself, you are worth it!!

 

[Tinyflame]

Me too @kagamine , though it's not helpful.

It never occurred to me neglect & (adult) lack of self-care could be related. :wideeyed: I never understood when they said take care of others like you take care of yourself, & 'everyone' takes care of themself-(?) :wideeyed:

 

[Tinyflame]

Something came to me today: if I look back to when I was a small child, I have no sense that I should not have been neglected, that nothing was wrong with it. Not because I say it was good or right or normal, nor do I feel any other child should be left or treated like that, but rather a sense I see nothing wrong with it as regards 'myself'- that I deserved it.

Which if you can't see the necessity or right for care for, or value of, even your 'child' self (self when you were a child), then it is natural to not have a sense of care for (my) adult self, & maybe why S(I) seems not a big loss or deal.

 

[kagamine]

Thank you everyone for the comments, I've been in a haze the last couple of days and I forgot making this post until tonight. I relate to the issue of being neglected as a child and now not feeling the urgency to care for myself. I'm much better than I was as a teenager, not showering for weeks at a time and not changing my clothes for days. I guess I don't car for myself as well as I should, but when I left my family of origin my self care slowly started improving. Now it's like it only comes back when I'm doing badly. When I'm going through a rough patch, I go into that same mode. When I take care of myself it's only in the way that makes me presentable by society's standards. I get dressed, I make sure I look okay, but I won't eat or sleep, or bathe or do my laundry, because those are "me" things. It's okay that I don't take of myself because I feel like I don't matter, but it's been ingrained in my brain from a very early age that it does matter what other people think of you. Which is why I can present myself in w way that's jarring to a lot of professionals. I speak articulately and dress like I gave it some thought, but I can look them in the face and say I'm a mess and I'm not taking care of myself.

 

[ms spock]

I have struggled with this. I almost died in 2013.

 

[holdenmonty]

Self care is a real struggle for me as well. I need to work out to get ready for my physical fitness test in April but it's tough to tell myself that I need to work out not just to get ready for my test but also to release some stress, and I can totally relate to brushing my teeth... I feel bad because it's one of the last things that I think about. I get up and get around eat my breakfast and usually make coffee and drink coffee as I'm on my way to work and I make the excuse that if I brush my teeth in the morning it will make my breakfast or my coffee taste weird and be kind of pointless. Then at night time I just want to attempt to get some sleep so I tend to focus on trying to sleep instead of brushing my teeth. but I have gotten better about remembering at night time. Also taking a shower every day. There was a time that I was really bad about it and would just put on deodorant and forget about taking a shower because I was always focused on getting the kids their bath and sometimes it would be a week between showers but now that I make sure to work out at least twice a week I have to take a shower after I'm done working out because I'm a sweaty stinky mess.

 

[Friday]

@holdenmonty ...try putting your toothbrush in the shower. Like suction cupped to the wall. PT, shower, teeth. Another in the car. Shrug. I have to group things (from PT gear, to where I put my stuff when I walk in the door) or time turns into a slippery bastard. Grouping & routines takes the thinking out of the equation when my mind is a million miles away. I automatically follow the structure already laid out. Lol.. I have no internal sense of structure, so I have to create it, externally.

 

[holdenmonty]

That is a great idea. I do have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my desk here at work. There have been a few times that I have motivated myself enough to go to the bathroom and brush my teeth here at work. That is a really good idea though about my toothbrush in the shower. I can shower and brush my teeth at the same time.