Sufferer I Struggle With Conflicting Emotions Of Abuse

[Sandi]

Hello everyone,

This is my first time posting about abuse. I'm 28 and it's taken me a long time to accept what happened to me. There's a lot that has happened to me, but one specific thing happened that I keep obsessing over. I was raped by my former boss when I was 23. Without going into detail I was basically drunk and/or drugged. When I woke up I remember being extra wet and he just felt so good. I even orgasmed. Because of this I thought it was consensual for the longest time. I feel shameful. I hate myself. I struggle with sex unless it's abusive, then I love it. The other part of me likes being desired. I enjoy the attention. I enjoying submitting, even if it's by force. It's all very confusing. Anyone else struggle with this?

 

[Soca]

It is hard to let go of the shame and accept yourself, even with all the emotions and mixed feelings that come with rape. I've put myself in a number of situations where it may or may not have been consensual, but I accepted it as "I should have known better," "pull yourself up and move on," "you deserved this - no one to blame but yourself" (by far the most damaging), etc. For a long time, I accepted and thought I liked the abusive sex... until I found someone I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with - he changed everything for me in a very good way. I felt good about myself for the first time in my life and let go of so much of the crappy stuff. The fairytale relationship ended when he called it off after 3 years of dating (later discovered he was cheating & eventually married her). So after my fairytale - it's been one shitty encounter after another. The most recent encounter for me was a date rape (almost 2 years ago now) - it took a few days to sink in and even still to this day I have to convince myself that I did what I could to try to say no (it's not in my nature to say things with conviction) and the only proof I can come up with is that I cried during the event and that he told me to stop talking several times (when I tried to say no). At this point, I'm a fortress and while I want someone for companionship, the thought of someone touching me at the moment is revolting. I wish my pre-fairytale self could write to you... I think she'd be feeling the same way you are now... my path after that changed the course of things for me... and then other twists in the road have had other impacts...

All in all, I think what I've learned is first and foremost I have to care about myself and do what I can to ward off the feelings of guilt and shame. They serve no purpose in my healing process. The uphill battle as of late is self-acceptance and forgiveness... I don't know if that's helpful for you - but I think you deserve to have some compassion for yourself and honor your feelings.

 

[Sandi]

It is hard to let go of the shame and accept yourself, even with all the emotions and mixed feelings that...

I understand what you mean and perhaps a part of me has learned to like the abuse-- my first love became very abusive and now my husband has become aggressive. Maybe I am only lying to myself. I'm so sorry that your fairytale ended. I had one of those, too. I think everything happens for a reason, but sometimes it's hard to understand why.

I've also cried during sex. It just becomes so different when married. For what it's worth I know you said no and meant it. Crying and simply not enjoying it means no. For a long time my pre-married self looked for S&M relationships because those are the ones that I felt good in.

Heading is very hard. I try to have compassion for myself, but all I see is a horrible person who deserved it. I'm trying though. I hope this journey is going better for you.

 

[Naoru]

Welcome to the forum! :) and I'm sorry for what you have been through.

Yes, I have struggled with some of what you said. It is common for sexual assault survivors to harbor a ton of shame and even blame ourselves for what happened to us, especially when our bodies respond one way and our minds another. The line of consent feels blurred when our bodies respond in the way they are designed even when we are not enjoying or wanting what is happening - although my situation is a little different, this is what my t has gotten me to understand - but our bodies do what they're supposed to do. That does not make it our fault and that does not change consent (and one cannot consent if one is drunk or drugged or a child, etc). It is also common to reenact, even unknowingly, sexual traumas. Definitely gets confusing.

Of course, I don't speak on behalf of everyone, only trying to show what I've learned or how I can relate. I hope I've made sense. Understanding and a huge amount of self compassion have helped me on my journey to healing. Letting go of that shame is insanely tough... it runs so deep... I still hate myself some days, but I'm slowly placing the blame and anger where it belongs. The person who did this is horrible, not me. What the person did to me was horrible, not me. I didn't deserve any of it. ;)

Are you in therapy to help work through all of these feelings? My therapist and this forum have really helped me in so many ways... I can't even begin to explain. I hope this forum helps you, too. :) You're not alone.

 

[Sandi]

Welcome to the forum! :) and I'm sorry for what you have been through.

Yes, I have struggled with some...

Thank you for your reply. What you said makes perfect sense. I know my body was just responding because I would never in a million years slept with him. I never saw him as a love interest. I really saw him almost as a mentor and brother.. It's just still so confusing. I don't want to be confused anymore. How have you gotten over hating yourself? I think that's my biggest struggle. I have very low self-esteem and I'm probably my biggest critic. Just a few weeks ago I decided to try and take control because I usually silence the demons with alcohol (which I hate) and I really want to be happy and feel in control. I was thinking of looking into yoga and meditation. I also just met with a therapist. Our first session is on Monday and I'm very excited/nervous about that. This forum also seems so helpful! I really just want to talk to people who understand. I don't think my husband understands.

 

[Naoru]

Thank you for your reply. What you said makes perfect sense. I know my body was just responding because I...

Yoga, meditation, and therapy are all a fabulous start! Take it slow and day by day. Try to be as honest with your therapist as you can, including if you don't think they're the right fit. Your therapist will work with you to establish better coping mechanisms, stabilization, and turn around any cognitive distortions you may have (there are a few amazing threads in this forum about those. @Ms Spock can guide you in the right direction), along with so many other things to get you started on the path to healing. :) You're not alone in turning to alcohol so no judgement from anyone here...and I'm sure you've already figured out - it doesn't really help and tends to make things worse.

As far as self-hatred.... ya know, that's a daily battle. I've found taking action and initiative to move forward helps the most, whether that's by just getting out of bed on a rough day, going out in public, trying something new or I once enjoyed, taking back some control in my life.... helps put the pieces of self confidence back together little by little, step by step. I try to listen to my support system (and reach out when I need it!) and not dismiss the positive things they say (I'm very cynical and sarcastic as it is). I try to repeat to myself what has been told to me: "It wasn't my fault" "I had a normal reaction to an abnormal situation" "I can do it" "I am worth it" "Just because I'm struggling does not mean I'm failing" "It's not my business what others think of me" "What I want does matter" "IT WASN'T MY FAULT." ;) My t has recommended even putting sticking notes on the mirror or around my home as reminders (but that's a little much for me lol). I may not believe these things at first, but after a little brain rewiring and repetition, I might in the future. Identifying those cognitive distortions is a must, too!

...and on those days when I just can't... well... I practice some self-compassion and remember to take it one moment at a time... accept where I am in that moment... even if it's not so great.

It all sounds kinda cheesy, but it works! I've very recently made some huge decisions and gigantic steps in believing in myself that I never thought I'd be able to do. Your therapist will help you determine what might work for you. :) Sorry this got so long-winded!

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome to the forum. :hug:

 

[Soca]

I have slowly been trying to get myself through this book - The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk. I recommend it simply because you might be able to relate to some of the things you are talking about in your post (if you can get past the initial focus on war trauma). I was excited to find an audiobook version on youtube - I tried to post the link, but I got an error message - it should be easy enough to search for it. The length might be overwhelming... if you're interested, but aren't sure you want to invest the time there are several interviews or presentations with him online as well. It isn't necessarily curative, but his understanding and approach to working with PTSD survivors gives me hope for the direction research is moving in this field - maybe you'll get something out of it?

 

[Angel1972]

I was molested as a small child and have blocked a few years of memories. Im 43 year old woman, I do not like violence in any form but i allow degrading sex with a long term partner. I have also raped myself many ways by forcing myself to do things I really didnt want to do. I said yes bc I thought i deserved to feel used. For the longest time I even claimed it was modern feminism, my body, my choice, not degrading. Until I started looking at the whole pic of what was going on. I was allowing myself to be used and i knew it and thats why i didnt want to have sex but i did it anyways. Often by getting liquid courage but then i started making myself do it sober so id remember the bad things i was doing. I claimed several times it was bc I enjoyed the high. I was a modern day woman in control of her own body, I was lying the whole time and I admit it now. I was hurting myself over and over and over bc i thought i deserved it.

Im glad your here with me Sandi. Please do not harm yourself anymore. You deserve better , we all do.

Hello everyone,

This is my first time posting about abuse. I'm 28 and it's taken me a long time to accep...