I Think I Finally Had A Panic Attack.

[just me here]

My battle with PTSD has always been a struggle with interrupted sleep, what my T's call "emotional flashbacks" and just plain depression with all of it's symptoms. But never what I would call a "panic attack".

I have been angry, anxious, scared, lots of things have caused an increased bloodpressure and heartrate, but never severe enough to make me think I was having a panic attack. I have read that some people think they are having a heart attack when it happens and some people hyperventilate. Nothing like that has happened to me, ever.

Until today. I have a long story I will make short. My daughter is living with a guy that has caused her to lose friends, suffer undue stresses, and alienated her from her brother and sister. She was doing good in school and still manages a full load but has to work more to pay bills and her grades are suffering a bit. And she is using some marijuana, but I was her age in the early eighties on the west coast USA, I can hardly say anything about that. I just hope she will stop when the time for having a career and your wits about you at all times comes, just like it did for her mother and I. Or not, her choice.

The rest of the story I am trying to keep short is that her boyfriend was invited to our house christmas eve and started pushing his limits, talking some trash and not getting a poke in the face for it, then going a bit further, still no reaction, so he went another step and on and on until he had to go, unloading vitriolic attacks on all of us as he left of course. He was never touched, he was allowed to leave on his own, driven home safely by my sober daughter.

When I next saw my daugher I had to, as a father, ask her if she was truly willing to live her life apologizing for this jerk, ask her if she fealt safe with him being so angry and willing to show it, begging her to please, please move home and take advantage of this house and her loving family and get through school and on her way in life without this hammerhead holding her back.

I was attacked by her! It was probably the result of four days of listening to the jerk telling her how she was lucky to be away from us, me in particular, I don't know. It was as if I was trying to do an intervention and she was a drug addict fighting everything that might interrupt her access to her drug of choice. It was a different side of my daughter than any of us have ever seen.

So, I lived with that on my mind for two days until today I get a call that my kid is in the ER because she cut herself. My wife was called and she called me, she didn't know if it was a kitchen accident or what but I had my fears. I went to the ER, my worste fears were realised, and I was denied access to see her because she didn't want to see me.

Thats the hardest hit of all, I am denied access to the person I love more than life itself, but the jerk that is driving the wedges between her and our family is in there. My wife is allowed in, but doesn't feel like she can talk to her because he is there, she is behaving in a strange way and it feels like there will be hostilities and she doesn't want to push it.

I had a panic attack. I couldn't stay there, I would have lost it and just added to the problems, I drove home and don't remember the trip at all, I was sweating and my heart was racing and I thought I was having a heart attack. I sat in my driveway in my truck and checked my pulse at 85, came inside and my BP was high but not scary, but I fealt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest! I had a huge headache that I hadn't even noticed but was debilitated by when I did, migraine possibly?

My drug of choice is an hour in the hot tub and I gave myself a good dose, and am fealing better now. My T is unavailable, I called a hotline and talked it out, and now I am on here typing this long post out for anyone that will read it.

My daughter carved some derogatory words in her leg, not deep, but she will be in a seven day inpatient program with 24 hour suicide watch and lots of counseling and no boyfriend or drugs.

My empathy goes out to those of us that suffer this on a regular basis. I am almost 6 hours past the worste of this and I am just now eating and checking emails and writing this out. I cannot imagine trying to function at work right after one of these events, or function in any way really. I drove home, but I did it on pure instinct and habit, I was elsewhere at the time. I truly do feel sorry for anyone that goes through this regularly.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm so sorry...

But, I want to challenge you on your belief that you can't say anything to your daughter about using drugs as you have also used in the past. Where do you draw the line? If you killed someone in the past, could you not advise her to take a different path? Extreme example, but you get my point.

Also, and I don't know if this is true as it's only what I've heard, but according to my pot smoking friends, pot of today us much much stronger than just a few years ago. So it's not the same as when you smoked as a young adult. Yes, i inquired as considered taking it for PTSD, but my friends told me to simply forget about it as I am extremely sensitive to drugs and didn't have the best of experiences the one time I did smoke many years ago.

Your daughter needs to be confronted. MJ is a depressant and if she's cutting herself, she needs to get off the drugs asap.

 

[just me here]

I'm so sorry...

But, I want to challenge you on your belief that you can't say anything to your daughter about using drugs as you have also used in the past. Where do you draw the line? If you killed someone in the past, could you not advise her to take a different path? Extreme example, but you get my point.

Your daughter needs to be confronted. MJ is a depressant and if she's cutting herself, she needs to get off the drugs asap.

Thanks,you are right, and I have always presented an honest and complete picture of how drug use effects you. My 2 other kids are totally clean, one is going to be a police officer, one is married to an officer and related to many more through marriage. The message has always been there and it has been well received.

I told them the truth- MJ is fun, you will like it, you will have dozens of new friends because of it and you will most likely know users that are successful people with productive lives. BUT, there is the possibility of being arrested, it will lower your ability to make clear decisions and some of those decisions are going to be important ones about using or not using other drugs, and you will limit the possibilities you have to meet non users and get jobs that will require a drug test. And you may end up like some users, years behind their peers for all of the things that make up a rich and fulfilling life.

I know people that have used for thirty years that run a successful business and pay their kids college tuition and go to Europe once a year for vacation, I know people that have used for thirty years that collect unemployment or welfare as much as possible and do very little beyond suck the bong and play video games. No one knows where their life will go after MJ is a part of it.

I did my best, and a confrontation may come later, but not from just me. I cannot say "using drugs is a bad thing" without also saying "and I was a bad person for doing it". All I cando is tell the truth and hope she accepts it as wisdom.

 

[Helliepig]

Sadly when someone is not ready to face their internal pain, they cannot hear any "advice"or anything from people around them. Especially from those closest to them. They blow up in rage or end up falling into depression or a combination of those. Maybe the issues around your daughter's partner, drug use or whatever her issues are, are just too painful to hear the things that on some level she will know as the truth.

I think people run away from stuff endlessly until one day they are ready to face it, either because they are sick of the same old cycle of misery, or something happens that forces it. But facing our inner pain is often soooo painful that we would rather endure all sorts than face it. Maybe one day your daughter will be ready and receptive to hear what you are saying or will come into wanting to deal with on her own. Like all of us have to.

I admire you for trying, in the midst of your own pain.It is heartbreaking as a parent to sit and watch these sort of things play out in front of you. I think as a parent it IS the right thing to do to try and talk to your child, but you have to accept - and hang onto - the fact that there is little you can really do. Her reaction is about her not you.. and that, often the hardest thing as a parent to accept, you cannot rescue her. She can only do this herself and you have to focus on looking after yourself and wait until the day when life brings her to the point where she has to, or choses to, face her own issues. Pushing her before that point happens is likely counterproductive and only likely to drive a wedge between you.

 

[bankhead]

Just me here - I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. I imagine that being isolated from your daughter at the ER might have left you feeling powerless. I know that my PTSD symptoms are triggered when I feel helpless. Perhaps you can find ways to participate such as writing your daughter a note or letter and focusing on your love for her rather than the things you would like for her to change. She knows that you think this guy is a mistake. you have made that clear so you don't need to tell her again. If you can avoid conveying that message to her again, you may find that the door will crack open. Just a thought.

 

[just me here]

The story ended well, daughter has left her boyfriend, asked for forgiveness and found her own apartment. A clean UA is allowing her to apply for better jobs and she will find one, being skilled, clean and a beautiful kid (proud pop). without the cry for help, she would still be lost in a bad place, the bad scenes we all lived through paid off in her getting help she needed and out of a situation that has gotten worse. Sometimes the meens justify the results, even when the means is to just sit back and have faith that you have raised a kid that will be able to help herself when necessary.

I love this kid like life itself, all I have, all she can accept. I am so happy and proud that she was able to see the problems on her own and with help get her life back.