Sexual Assault I Think I May Have Been Sexually Abused As A Kid

[AMK64]

every now and then I get the feeling again that I had been sexually abused. I've read up on all the signs and stuff but I honestly can't remember all of what I was like as a child. This is what I know:
-I have depression, anxiety and a really bad anger problem that became very prevalent after 8th grade
-I hate hugging male family members it disgusts me
-I'm terrified of boys (part of this is because I've been sexually harassed and bullied a lot as a kid)
-I am hyper sexual and pretty much always have been
-I used to masturbate in front of my family after the age that was somewhat acceptable
-all my sexual fantasies involve being raped/forced/rough sex/in the doctors office
-I remember having a really creepy doctor who would squeeze my legs a lot (although he kind of did the same to my brother)
-I remember going to the doctor and she had to touch me down there and I had no idea why and the doctor and my mom went out and talked in private and my mom wouldn't tel me what they talked about
-another time I went to the doctor i cried because the doctor gave me a breast exam
-I went for a well check up one time and the same creepy doctor from before was doing it and I had asked for a female doctor but he insisted he could do the private part of the exam, but I said no so he didn't get a chance (yeah I know he was probably just trying to be nice)
-I don't remember much of my childhood at all
-my grades started to slip badly in 3rd grade for no apparent reason, I remember being very anxious
-with all this tho I know I probably wasn't sexually abused since I don't remember any of it and also I was bullied and sexualized at a young age, I also grew up around a mentally unstable mother
-also I tried to do sexual things with as many of my friends as possible but only the people I knew wouldn't be weirded out by it and I always called it playing doctor- it was always us touching each other and me having an orgasm (didn't know it was called that then and also the other girl I was with every time did not orgasm/hasn't discovered that yet I guess)
-I stuck a puzzle piece up my vagina at a pretty young age
-I drew sexual pictures of a doctor touching me at a young age
-always liked to have my dollls naked
-I'm sorry if this is a stupid and ridiculous post it's just been bothering me I could use any advice thank you
-one last thing, I'm wondering, if all this could simply be because of the bullying and sexual harassment? To me it seems disproportionate and I feel like I shouldn't be this f*cked up just because of bullying and stuff, thanks again

 

[Eagle3]

Honestly, I know what you're going through. I had the same early sexualization and experimentation with my friends at a young age. I also have problems with women that I can't explain. My T is pretty sure I was sexually abused as a toddler, and I get the feeling that it was a female babysitter when I was very young, but I have no clear memory of anything occurring.

T and I don't try to drudge up the memories, but we do deal with the feelings and impulses and issues as they affect me now. Good luck finding your answers.

 

[AMK64]

Honestly, I know what you're going through. I had the same early sexualization and experimentation with my...

Thank you very much and you too!

 

[Suzetig]

There's no way of us knowing what might or might not have happened. The difficulty is that childhood is such a time of development that children can be very screwed up by things that seem fairly minor in adulthood. The "signs and symptoms" of sexual abuse can equally be seen in children who have been physically abused, neglected, emotionally abused etc, etc. It's really just not that clear cut.

In your case it sounds like your experience of being parented wasn't great, bullying and harassment will have an impact and what's termed early sexualisation is in my view a form of sexual abuse - making a child aware of and prepared for sex before they are physically and psychologically mature enough is abusive. You might have had an intimate examination by a doctor and not understood what was happening and sexualised that, it's not unusual for kids to play doctors or for quite small children to touch themselves.

It sounds like something has started you questioning though, it might be worth looking at how the things you describe above are impacting you now and why you feel a need to label what might or might not have happened. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that but if you can understand why you're asking the questions now it may help you figure out what you're looking for. In any event, it wouldn't be a bad idea to see a therapist to unpick whatever is working on you.