I think i need to ask my roommate to move out

[Starfish]

I asked an old boyfriend to move in with me when I was having some severe ptsd symptoms that did not allow me to clean my house or walk my dog. He has been homeless in the past and lives on a small pittance from the government. Our arrangement was to trade his help for no rent. This has been the situation for about 5 months.

I have been experiencing times of passive aggressiveness towards me from time to time so I have found ways to avoid these situations by kind of tip toeing around anything that might trigger him.

He has been helpful. He mainly smokes pot all day and sleeps and watches tv a lot. But he has been helpful. He is a good person at heart but has his issues. He cannot relate at all to my PTSD symptoms.

I find I am feeling much stronger and want my house back to myself and am tired of the hoops i have to go through to make sure nothing i do or say triggers him. This includes refraining from asking him to help me with things if he seems slightly unstable. He seems to be in my way now, like I can't breathe free just knowing he is in my house.

We had a recent episode where he did not like my thoughts on a particular subject we were talking about and raised his voice and accused me of not listening to him (because i did not respond how he thought i should, this has been a pattern.) He then kept his voice raised (we were in a situation where others who i was responsible for could hear). i told him he was raising his voice and he said he was not as he kept the same raised tone. I left the scene immediately to de-escalate the situation.

My concern: Is this my PTSD trying to ruin my life and hurt a long-term friends housing situation?
It seems to me the money he is saving by not paying rent (he had found a place for $500 a month before he moved in with me), is being spent on more pot.

Can anyone relate and will you share any thoughts that will help me make a decision here?
Thanks!!

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @crushed... I think it's fine to feel you want your home back and your friend knew it would be temporary.... Tell him it's time... You appreciate all his help.... But now you want to try and do everything on your own.
Maybe he could also read up on ptsd.. As it would give Him a better understanding of your condition.

I had a friend move in for a bit I didn't like it after a few days... And told her.... She was quite happy to drink all day and it upset me to see that.... She was angry at first but then she was OK... Just don't back down.....

If they are a good friend which I think they are.. It will be fine..... Good luck

 

[Starfish]

thanks xena, its been a very hard day staying in my room, trying to avoid, feeling lots of pain, trying to face reality of what are valid concerns and what are ptsd triggered irrationals. am starting to calm down after much note taking and breathing deeply. I really like your viewpoint on the whole situation. still not sure where i stand yet but feel i have really paid attention to my needs for quiet contemplation today and that feels really good. i am hoping by morning to have some clarity. With ptsd, it is just so much harder to process some of the seemingly smallest things. I admit i feel so unworthy of the indulgence i allowed myself today and yet i have to believe somehow i am worth it.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @crushed.. Of course you are worth it.. and you can tell your friend this is progress for you... You trying to cope yourself...
It is important for your healing...... You're friend sounds like a good one... I'm sure he will understand... Take care

 

[A concerned spouse]

I know he's your friend and you care about him but friends sometimes take advantage of friends. I realize he's helped you but you are allowing him to stay there rent free. He should have a little nest egg saved up but if he doesn't. . . Well that's not your fault. If he spends all his money on pot, that's not your fault either. We all are accountable for what we personally do.

Don't hurt yourself to save someone because we can't save each other. We can only save ourselves. Do what you know YOU need. Life has a way of figuring things out and he will figure it out.

 

[Starfish]

I agree! It has taken a few others to say the same thing. I give him way more latitude than my own children!
I told him this morning and fortunately he did not explode. I think he is hurt and not yet sure what he will do. I have felt guilty all day since I have more than him ( a warm roof over my head, for one) But I know his lifestyle is his choice and I have been enabling him too. I think he knows I'm a weak link in some ways.
I feel really good knowing I have my freedom back.
He was around so much that I felt i had no privacy.
Thanks for the feedback! Now, to work on not feeling like a heartless bad person!

 

[A concerned spouse]

You're not a heartless bad person!!! Look at it this way. . . Sometime the hardest thing and the right thing are the same thing. Be proud of yourself for being able to stand up for whats right for you!