Relationship I think I triggered my wife’s PTSD

throwaway13

Learning
I’m pretty sure I triggered my wife’s ptsd a month ago. When we first starting getting serious 7 years ago she told me she suffered a trauma when she was a young adult and was diagnosed with ptsd. She said she was better but went to years of therapy.

Fast forward to June of this year. We are having a rough patch in our marriage. I’m pretty sure it’s due to several layers of stress in our lives that’s not being handled properly. We go to marriage counseling and I’m being portrayed as a monster. Even the therapist said something to my wife about that. I figure that the time to bring up her ptsd would be in front of a trained professional like a therapist. Big mistake, wife shuts down and now there’s a wall around her.

What’s my next steps to help us heal? Give her space? She is refusing to go back to marriage counseling.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
It’s really hard to say how this will all play out. Even knowing what a “typical” symptomatic period is like for your sufferer isn’t a guarantee. That’s why you have to decide what your limits are… and you’ll figure it out as you go along since she hasn’t been symptomatic before. Eventually something will go past your limit of empathy, or tap dance on that line, and you’ll figure out that you cannot tolerate that.
 

throwaway13

Learning
It’s really hard to say how this will all play out. Even knowing what a “typical” symptomatic period is like for your sufferer isn’t a guarantee. That’s why you have to decide what your limits are… and you’ll figure it out as you go along since she hasn’t been symptomatic before. Eventually something will go past your limit of empathy, or tap dance on that line, and you’ll figure out that you cannot tolerate that.
This is another conversation I need to have with her. I’m doing my best to be empathetic by learning about ptsd and I wish I did it before it got to this. But for years she was fine. She’s flip flopping with all of her statements and it’s been a wild ride the last month
 

Freida

MyPTSD Pro
But for years she was fine.
I almost hate to tell you this but.... I kept it together for decades before ptsd knocked me on my ass. And it was brutal. The first 6 months were the worst, I lost my job and A LOT of people in my life because I was such a mess. The next several years (yes. years) weren't much better, but I finally started having more good days than bad. I have no idea how hubby toughed it out, so I can't give you any suggestions there. But it helped that we had been together for a long time before the crash.

So like @Sweetpea76 said - you have to set the boundaries that are best for you because she can't help you. And you may not be able to help her right now.
 

throwaway13

Learning
I almost hate to tell you this but.... I kept it together for decades before ptsd knocked me on my ass. And it was brutal. The first 6 months were the worst, I lost my job and A LOT of people in my life because I was such a mess. The next several years (yes. years) weren't much better, but I finally started having more good days than bad. I have no idea how hubby toughed it out, so I can't give you any suggestions there. But it helped that we had been together for a long time before the crash.

So like @Sweetpea76 said - you have to set the boundaries that are best for you because she can't help you. And you may not be able to help her right now.
Well she quit a well paying job at a public school district and is isolating and pushing me away from her. I’m trying to to hold it together for her and the kids it’s that she is in the mindset that she needs to protect them
 

throwaway13

Learning
This morning I gently let her know that whenever she was ready to talk about I brought up ptsd inside of marriage counseling I’ll be ready to listen. Put no pressure on her whatsoever. She said that she doesn’t remember telling me that we can discuss later and denied it being a problem. I’m going to have to assume this is normal sufferer behavior, denial.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
Yep… it’s you that’s being irrational and unreasonable. In other words, projection.

OR That never happened! In other words gaslighting or denial.

Either way, it’s your fault, not hers. So much easier to deflect than face the actual problem
 

throwaway13

Learning
Yep… it’s you that’s being irrational and unreasonable. In other words, projection.

OR That never happened! In other words gaslighting or denial.

Either way, it’s your fault, not hers. So much easier to deflect than face the actual problem
Should I keep pressing her to talk more about it? This morning she acted like nothing happened and my head is spinning. She said something like it hasn’t been a problem for years so why now
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
That’s definitely weird, and you’re not crazy. Don’t get sucked in though. You know what happened. This shit will make you question your own sanity.

As far as trying to talk it out more, it’s hard to say… but if it’s making *you* nuts, I’d give it a break. It doesn’t sound like anything is productive right now anyway, so protect your own mental health.

What is she saying the reason for the divorce is now that she’s denying the marriage counseling thing?
 

throwaway13

Learning
That’s definitely weird, and you’re not crazy. Don’t get sucked in though. You know what happened. This shit will make you question your own sanity.

As far as trying to talk it out more, it’s hard to say… but if it’s making *you* nuts, I’d give it a break. It doesn’t sound like anything is productive right now anyway, so protect your own mental health.

What is she saying the reason for the divorce is now that she’s denying the marriage counseling thing?
Her reasoning is that she can’t trust me, for why…she has not given me a reason. And that I want to control everything. Which makes no sense because we always consulted each other on deciding anything in our relationship. We have 3 kids one is 3 1/2 and 10 month old twins. It’s a god damn shame if you ask me
 
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