@Crybaby2017 - Drunk or sober - without consent - rape is rape. Period. I hate the shame I experienced after being raped as well (by a gastro dr.) If I could have stopped myself from being raped, I would have. I dissociated over and over. Horrified what gastro was doing to my body - without my consent. I was there for medical reasons and he was a sexual predator who took advantage of his status and position. And I am confident I was not his first victim. He was too rehearsed, and so cool and calm and would not allow nurse in room (I asked repeatedly x 2 please to have a nurse in room. Drs. are trained (male) to have a female nurse present when in exam room with female patient. He was told to do this - and that is all that happened. And there are rape kits numbering in the thousands upon thousands that have not been tested and ran into the national data bank of sexual predators. Thousands upon thousands of women who have been raped and may never have their rape kit (that felt to them like another rape) tested for DNA and ran through nat'l databank. And men who have been raped - same situation. DNA not entered into system - and the reason - lack of funds (monies). Really. Legal authorities have their priorities out of order. No monies to run rape kits. Bull hockey.
Years ago, while drunk and also at times smoking pot, I being in a high, altered mental state and unable to give consent was repeatedly taken advantage of - on "dates" that too is called rape, and this happened numerous times as a young girl, young woman. I with no mother, and a drunk for a dad (whom I love and at times also fight against feelings of hate against him - who passed away I at times have still now great rage for dad - covert pervert) was never taught about sex and love and morals and scruples, and values of any kind (so I believed them (sex and love) to be the same thing - hard to believe for me even now. @Crybaby, I thought sex was love (that if the young boy, young man, man wanted me sexually - they loved me. What? Sounds insane, to type this now. Yet, from without any maternal/matriarchal/motherly or from father - teaching, education, and understanding about my body, about love, about sex, love-making with someone who loves me vs. sex for sex sake (due to molestation and torture, etc.) all meant to me - the exact same thing. I am crying now. Can't believe what I am typing, it's true. That is why I have said - I was raised by wolves.
I was on self-destruction mode for many years, decades and had no clue. I use to be so filled with shame and guilt, now most of shame and guilt has turned into unadulterated pure rage. And I can still put myself into this mental state of beating myself up for ex. if I hadn't been drinking, or drugging, it wouldn't have happened. If my hair wasn't long and I had not worn that beautiful black velour pants and pullover the gastro, wouldn't have...No. If the young boys, then young men, then dr. and step-father, man in garden who sexually assaulted me, and father (covert and dissociated sexual trauma events) had not seen me as prey and vulnerable, they wouldn't have molested and/or raped me, and would not have committed covert sexual behaviors (dissociated fragrments-dad). As with me
@Crybaby2017, you were unable to give consent because I was drunk and out of my ever-lovin' mind.
Looking back (and I must - now that I am finally in EMDR Therapy with an authentic EMDR Therapist and I am not on like before tons of anti-psychotic drugs for a mental illness I never had), this was just about the only way I could have sex (back then it was always making love - twisted) was when I was drinking and mentally altered - so my mind knew something was amiss and needed to drink and or drug in order to numb itself from how I felt afterwards which was a whore again, even though my uneducated and naive mind still did at the time believe that sex was love, etc. I so desperately, hindsight 20/20 wanted someone to love me. My dad, my mom, my sister, and yet I was unable to love myself - did not know how to self-actuate, self-preserve, self-protect, I had no self (no core). Notta, zip, the lights were off and nobody was home. I was taught nothing about being human other than clothing, cars, money. That was it. (And we weren't wealthy). This was all I was taught by my dad
@Crybaby2017.
Instead, because I was so vulnerable and gullible and again naive, I was taken repeatedly taken advantage of sexually, emotionally, etc. while younger than am now - by predators. Period. With a sexual molestation, rape, and physical torturous and twisted history also by a sexual and sadistic, and physical beater abuser predator step-father (step-monster) as a little girl, I became very promiscuous as I grew older - that is what I have read it called - promiscuous. I call it acting out what was done to me as a little girl all the way into my adulthood. I call it acting out what was taught to me as a little girl on up by simply put - predacious wolves and animals. The young boys, then young men, then men who wanted to truly love me - I ran from - frightened to death of them. Hindsight again 20/20 - this was because I was unfamiliar with what intimacy (in-to-me-see) without touching and fondling and degradation was like. It was normal and I felt like a freak around normal loving, giving, caring men who wanted to marry me (except one - for a while).
@Crybaby2017 as an adult woman, the men who owned their own homes, had a college degree in dentistry, and in engineering who tried so hard to love me - me as an adult woman - I ran from them. For I felt like a three-headed monster without any familial-taught life and love skillset(s) of how to love myself, love another, actively listen, have patience, was never taught virtues, I did not know how to love a man one second at a time, one day at a time. I knew nothing of forgiveness, nor neutrality in a close-knit relationship (all I knew what beatings, drunkenness, stompings, sexual immorality and sexual and physical debauchery). And on occasion, dad acted human - cooked out on grill, took me shopping, and I did not know that he was severely abusing me. The "nice" things he did I told myself that he "loved" me. Yet his fists, feet, mouth, hands, etc. told a completely entirely different story.
Back then, I could never allow a man who loved his mother and who loved his father and who treated me like a flower to ever get close enough (hindsight again being 20/20) to me, a freak of nature, because of how I was again- raised by vulturous, opportunistic depraved animals "caregivers" @Crybaby.
One of the many catalysts which jolted me to reality to try to stop drinking to excess (now I don't drink at all - my personal choice as of 2003) was the feeling of having no control over my body, mind, and decision-making, etc. not that I had any psychological control - prior to being correctly diagnosed with pcptsd and mdd in 3/12. Drinking to excess aided me in being able to now I call it - having sex with opposite sex while believing in my mind it was - love. Craaazzzeeee thinking. Being raised without a mother and there was a point in time of having a step-mother (monster) who violently and tortuously beat me and my sister, and taught me nothing about marriage except beatings, stompings, too much to share, only reinforced back then - that what my dad cruelly and lyingly, falsely called me - which was a whore - began to take it's toll psychologically - in and that I as an adult woman I began to act out since he said I was nothing but a whore. As I grew older, my Dad called me a whore, "You're, just like your mother!" "You'll never amount to anything." And this too also sent me further down, down, down into the proverbial Alice In Wonderland - rabbit hole.
I share this only to
@Crybaby2017 to let you know - that I believe I am as sick as my secrets. You have come here and bravely and boldly shared what has just hurtfully and damagingly been perpetrated against your precious body. I am not responsible and I am not accountable for the vicious cruel actions and violence and torture, sexual molestation, and rape perpetrated by animals against me. I am just beginning to understand the gravity of their depravity. I am not their victim anymore. I am Zena Warrior Princess. Towanda. I am not going to allow the sick vile, putrid and ruthless actions of others against me define me anymore. I am not - how I was victimized. I am no longer of victim status.
I am in recovery for the defilement and degradation and I am trying hard not to succumb to what I survived and I will try only for this day, this minute to only try to live in this moment w/o perps "caregivers" living rent-free up inside my head @Crybaby. You cry, talk about this, and continue to release your hurt, pain, and anger. I am listening. Other members are listening here to you and we care. Yes we do. We care about what you've just been through - and we are here for you - in spades. I deeply care because I (we) know what you are now going through. Please know - you are not alone. (hugs) JadesJewel
