Sexual Assault I think i was raped...?

[BlackFox]

So I think I was raped... I've been feeling so bad about the whole situation and to be honest I feel like I'm try to convince myself that's not what it was. I know no one can really tell me for sure, but I'd like to share my story. I need help, I'm so scared and feel disgusted about it all, I really need someone to listen because I have no one to tell who I trust, or I feel will believe me... The reason I'm so confused was because he was my boyfriend. He'd always push me for sex, even when I said I didn't want it. He'd keep touching me even if I said no, this happened everytime we were alone, even in public sometimes. I told him I was uncomfortable, that I didn't want to do it, but he kept trying to convince me, begging me. He made me believe I was being a bad girlfriend if I didn't go along with it and give him what he wanted. If I managed to push him away he'd act both angry and sad at me, I felt like a terrible person for denying him it... The one thing he really pushed for, above all else was anal sex. I told him no way, that I seriously wasn't comfortable and didn't want to do it but he wouldn't stop begging! It got to the point where he'd actually start licking me there, or putting his fingers in even if I said no or tried to move away! I repeated how uncomfortable I was so many times, but he wouldn't stop trying. Said it'd feel good if I gave him the chance... So eventually after him doing the usual thing of touching me there without my permission and begging for it I said maybe, but that I was really scared and still was super against the idea. As soon as I said maybe he went for it... The whole time I was saying I was really scared, that it didn't feel good but he kept telling me it'd get better and how amazing it was for him. I just laid there as he held me down feeling completly sick, I didn't enjoy it one bit, the whole thing felt so wrong to me. But he was my boyfriend right and I'm supposed to make him happy? Anyway after he was done he got off me to clean himself up and I just sat there feeling more dirty and disgusting then I have in my entire life. I felt like I was about to throw up. I thought I shouldn't be feeling like this about someone I was supposed to be in love with, but it just didn't feel right, I was repulsed. The worst part of it? He didn't use protection. He knew how strict I was with always using a condom yet he took it off when I wasn't looking and did it without one and I didn't even know! Not until after anyway. I told him how much I didn't like the whole ordeal and the fact he hadn't used protection and he told me I'd consented to it so it wasn't his fault. I said I never wanted to do it again, that I hated it. He told me he understood. But everytime he had sex with me he'd always try again. Just randomly touch me there when I didn't want to. So many times I just laid there feeling disgusted at what he was doing and telling him how much I didn't want to but he kept saying I'd like it and that it made him happy. He made me feel like I had to do it. That's not it though. He'd have sex with me or touch me when I was drunk too. He always told me I said I wanted him, that I consented, but I didn't remember that. I always told him I didn't want to do anything drunk, but he told me I was more fun when I was and that he wanted to do it drunk. He'd always try and get me drunk round his, giving me alcohol even when I said I didn't want to drink. There was a lot of times where I told him I didn't want to have sex but he'd just push me into it anyway. I just felt so repulsed during the whole thing that I thought I'd throw up. But he was my boyfriend and he treated me nicely most of the time, he always told me how much he loved me and how beautiful and perfect I was. I felt so bad because he'd always buy me gifts, until he stopped trying of course... Towards the end of the relationship he started forcing me to say things like I was his, not allowing me to get him to say it back (that he was mine). He also forced me to say that I loved him everytime he said it to me. If I didn't he'd always make me feel so guilty about it that I felt like I just had to say it. Turning me against my friends and telling me it was my fault, that I was always jumping to conclusions, or too angry. The thing is I'm normally a very happy person! He just made me so depressed and sad, when it ended I was upset. He told me I'd never find anyone better and that I needed mental help because I was so messed up. Thing is I've never been happier after leaving him! Was I being raped and sexually assulted? I just didn't think that could happen when it was your boyfriend, I trusted him, but I feel like I never consented even though he said I did. I was always so unsure, he always forced me to agree anyway he could and if I wouldn't agree he'd try do it anyway. Another example was deep-throating. I always said I hated it and didn't want to do it, but everytime he'd beg and if I didn't do it he'd push me into it anyway. He'd just keep going with whatever it was until he got me to say yes or maybe... Looking back on the whole ordeal I really don't feel right about the whole situation. I didn't know where else to go... I hope someone will listen to me, I felt like I really needed to talk to someone about this... It was my first relationship and I just wanted it to work out, I feel really naive, like I was ignoring everything that was wrong because I was so desperate to try and make it work?

 

[BlackFox]

Ah I posted this twice! Thought it didn't post, sorry guys, I just joined and have no clue what I'm doing!

 

[Slkobe]

Black fox, What happened to you was rape. I know a lot of people don't appreciate such black and white thinking. But in my opinion, as a fellow rape survivor we have to call it what it is for anything to be done about it and for you to get the healing and validation you deserve.

I had something similar happen to me about a year ago. I had this guy over at my house and we started having sex. He told me to lay on my stomach and that it would be a good position for me. Without warning and without telling me he inserted himself into me anally. I felt like I was going to throw up and I wanted to stop but he said it was an accident and just kept going. I was so dumb and naive I continued having sex with him and even continued to spend time with him because I didn't want to believe that what happened to me was rape. Honestly looking back I am almost more ashamed at myself for continuing our relstionship than I am about the rape because I was in denial.

Unfortunately as a childhood sexual abuse survivor revictimization is extremely common due to poor boundaries and an inability to say no. I didn't even really like him in the first place or want to have sex with him but he coerced me and not only that but he raped me. Im so so so sorry this happened to you but just know that it was not your fault even if you said maybe. Sex is supposed to be mutually beneficial and you have every right for your needs to be heard and respected.

 

[LillyH]

My very abusive husband did almost exactly what you talk about for 17 years and I was like you and didn't think it was rape. I just thought I was a prude! However when I was seeing my trauma therapist I had my light bulb moment when she was telling me about other clients and I suddenly realised that the reason I always felt so awful was because most of the sex we had together was rape! I did know that when he was excessively violent and would rape me that this was rape but I just put those to the back of my mind and never allowed myself to think of them, however what I had never got my head round was all the other times that were not as violent were also rape.
Anal sex made me feel and still does like the most degraded person ever! I am sure with the right person it might be amazing but with my husband ir was a way to humiliate and control me still further. It was also so painful for me and he seemed to really enjoy this.
The sexual violence in our marriage and the emotional abuse is the stuff that I am still so ashamed about and humiliated to open up about to anyone so thank u for talking as it is nice to hear other people's story.
But on that note I am also so sorry to hear what you have been through and my heart goes out to you.
X

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Welcome to the forum, BlackFox! Don't worry about the double post - it'll get sorted out.

I'm sure you will get many responses to your question. I can't offer a response, because I find this type of situation far from black and white, and the more I think about it, the more troubled I become with issues of lack of consent/perceived consent/grudging consent and accountability.

 

[Slkobe]

So I think I was raped... I've been feeling so bad about the whole situation and to be honest I feel like I'm try to...

I also had a boyfriend who was very controlling and forced me to say "I love you" back whenever he said it. Let me just tell you something... that is NOT love!!!! These men have deeply ingrained phsycological issues. They are fearful and insecure and making other people feel bad about themselves is the only way they know how to make themselves feel better. I think it is so amazing that you were able to walk away from him. That shows a lot of strength and courage after all that he put you through!!

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Do you have post traumatic stress disorder?

 

[EveHarrington]

It sounds like coercion for some parts at least. Some guys are so pathetic that they can't get a woman to have sex with them unless they manipulate her and coerce her into the act. It's important to have strong boundaries when getting involved with someone so that the second they start up with the manipulative crap, you have the power to walk away.

 

[BlackFox]

I really appriciate the replies! Thank you!! Just hearing what you both have to say has been both upsetting and comforting. I'm so happy knowing I'm not the only person this has happened to. I honesty can't believe I'm in this situation and sharing this has been so hard (I've been putting it off for months now). Just talking about it and getting so much positive support has filled me with an undescribable gratitude! I always felt so off about the entire relationship, but I wanted it to work because I'm such a romantic at heart and that's probably what made me weak. It has been a really eye-opener for me because I've always been told things were my fault and pushed into them. Now I realize relationships aren't supposed to be like that, I'm determined not to let myself be coerced into anything again. I guess I just wasn't strong enough because I was always told I couldn't do better and that made me scared :(

 

[The Albatross]

Are you wondering if you were raped? read this first.

 

[provencepearl]

I also had a boyfriend who was very controlling and forced me to say "I love you" back whenever he said...

Yes. When I was dating my husband, my first boyfriend, he told me "I love you" far too soon and I was very uncomfortable. He was very controlling and I was too young to understand. No one listened when I voiced concerns about the age difference (he was 10 years older than me). He knew he was likely to die young and did not want "some other man to get his money" after he died. Excuse me? He left me with a pile of debts. I found a police report on his nephew. The nephew held a knife on a former girlfriend and told her if he could not have her no one could. Some men are very controlling and think women are their possessions.

 

[Anonymoussss]

I recently was in the same situation and I feel the exact same, idk what to do and I don’t remember and reading this makes me feel less alone, I feel so disgusting and idk if it was rape or sexual assault/harassment?