Childhood I think i was SA'd in some way as a child but cant remember?

[Karinie]

Apologies if this is posted incorrectly or so, its my very first time here .

I have very few memories of my childhood before the age of 6 but i do remember being very 'sexual' and the more i think about it, the more i realize i couldn't have known certain phrases or 'movements'.

This is VERY embarrassing but i have a memory of me getting on someones back and attempting to basically "play horsey". The other one is seeing my father naked from the shower.
Another, is constantly touching myself (even when i went to kindergarten), i also recall having a friend of mine who was 11-12 years old and we'd sort of "play" with each other but i was already going to kindergarten at that age.
We moved around a lot, probably didn't stay in a place for longer than a month and so i kept changing schools until i eventually got homeschooled for a few months.

This is all i can remember so far but im unsure if im overthinking it or if something REALLY happened and my brain is merely blocking it out. If so, is there any way i could unblock it..?

 

[Rose White]

Have you considered that sexual exploration is normal and expected in human development? Do you feel ashamed because of how you think adults might have reacted if they had known?

 

[Skywatcher]

My therapist tells me that it doesn’t matter if it happened or not, because the feelings are there. So you still need to treat it.

 

[Sideways]

I find it incredibly sad that so many people, including children, grow up with the messaging that being interested in sexual feelings, being curious about bodies and how they work and feel, and enjoying sexual feelings, is somehow wrong or hypersexual or evidence of something sinister.

Because they are incredibly normal and adaptive things to do as a child.
They are things that most children do, feel, and are intensely curious about.

I hope you find someone to help you work through that. Nothing you have described necessitates the shame or turmoil that you’re feeling.

 

[anthony]

I have very few memories of my childhood before the age of 6 but i do remember being very 'sexual' and the more i think about it, the more i realize i couldn't have known certain phrases or 'movements'.

Don't worry, not remembering before such an early age is perfectly normal. The fact that you do remember sexualisation of that age, that is the scary part.

This is all i can remember so far but im unsure if im overthinking it or if something REALLY happened and my brain is merely blocking it out. If so, is there any way i could unblock it..?

Here is what I can tell you... trust your gut, trust your instincts. Don't trust your memories so much, but trust your internal feeling mechanism. Memories are fallible, especially of childhood, let alone what we did last week, month or year. Strong memories our body tends to hold onto. We might not know everything, recall wise, but the body remembers. Trust that if present.

 

[Rose White]

VERY embarrassing but i have a memory of me getting on someones back and attempting to basically "play horsey"

Unless “play horsey” is a euphemism I don’t understand how this is embarrassing! We used to do this all the time with adults and each other and the adults would watch us and laugh. It was so fun!

I hate how the idea of horseplay and puppy play, not to mention baby play, is all sexualized and shown on the media to be kink. Kids play as puppies and babies and horses all the time. Is there any part of childhood that hasn’t been sexualized in Western culture?

Sorry for ranting. OP you do seem to be pretty bothered by it, I hope you can find someone to help you put it in perspective.

 

[ThunderKat]

Apologies if this is posted incorrectly or so, its my very first time here .

I have very few memories of my childhood before the age of 6 but i do remember being very 'sexual' and the more i think about it, the more i realize i couldn't have known certain phrases or 'movements'.

This is VERY embarrassing but i have a memory of me getting on someones back and attempting to basically "play horsey". The other one is seeing my father naked from the shower.
Another, is constantly touching myself (even when i went to kindergarten), i also recall having a friend of mine who was 11-12 years old and we'd sort of "play" with each other but i was already going to kindergarten at that age.
We moved around a lot, probably didn't stay in a place for longer than a month and so i kept changing schools until i eventually got homeschooled for a few months.

This is all i can remember so far but im unsure if im overthinking it or if something REALLY happened and my brain is merely blocking it out. If so, is there any way i could unblock it..?

I am the same about not remembering before six, in fact from my first memories it was all about this re occurring nightmare that a man was trying to get me and harm me. There were a few things that happened that were uncomfortable and made me question if I'm blocking something more aweful out. Different things my dad did, but once as a teen we went to a family counseling session and when I tried to bring it up my dad got up very angry and said there was something wrong with me and we never talked about it again or did any other therapy. I tried to tell my mom some things once i was an adult and she got mad at me so it makes me feel like something really is wrong with me. I've had several abusive relationships and seem happier alone for the most part. I'm an adult with grown kids and i still have anxiety about things...I've never felt comfortable around older men or even men my own age. I've only had one relationship where he was older, to me all older men are creeps and disgust me. I have been thru therapy as an adult a few times and a couple times things seemed better but it always comes back and haunts me along with other abuse I can remember but the wierd thing is when it's happening in my adult relationships I get flashbacks of pain I felt as a kid. I also truly feel that I got married to get away from my dad.
I dont have memories of anything happening sexually but there were times my punishment involved being forced to lay naked on his bed after being beaten with a leather belt so he could make sure I wasnt hurt too badly he would rub vaseline on my but. This is abuse isnt it? But my family shames me for feeling that way

 

[Muttly]

Welcome to the forum.

It sounds like you have some things to figure out. What can help, is not focusing on the memories or even the lack of memories but exploring how you feel about them. Do they trouble you? if so, why? Where does the embarrassment stem from, and things like that.

 

[E.G.T]

I am the same about not remembering before six, in fact from my first memories it was all about this re occurring nightmare that a man was trying to get me and harm me. There were a few things that happened that were uncomfortable and made me question if I'm blocking something more aweful out. Different things my dad did, but once as a teen we went to a family counseling session and when I tried to bring it up my dad got up very angry and said there was something wrong with me and we never talked about it again or did any other therapy. I tried to tell my mom some things once i was an adult and she got mad at me so it makes me feel like something really is wrong with me. I've had several abusive relationships and seem happier alone for the most part. I'm an adult with grown kids and i still have anxiety about things...I've never felt comfortable around older men or even men my own age. I've only had one relationship where he was older, to me all older men are creeps and disgust me. I have been thru therapy as an adult a few times and a couple times things seemed better but it always comes back and haunts me along with other abuse I can remember but the wierd thing is when it's happening in my adult relationships I get flashbacks of pain I felt as a kid. I also truly feel that I got married to get away from my dad.
I dont have memories of anything happening sexually but there were times my punishment involved being forced to lay naked on his bed after being beaten with a leather belt so he could make sure I wasnt hurt too badly he would rub vaseline on my but. This is abuse isnt it? But my family shames me for feeling that way

Your family does not own your experience. It is YOUR experience. Trust your feelings. No one has a right to tell you how to feel. It takes time to find the right therapist. I am trying to heal from childhood trauma. I have been through a few different therapists and still haven't found the right one. Trauma is so painful and it's hard not to just give up trying to get better. Please don't give up on healing. You deserve to feel better. Sending you support on your journey.