Childhood I Think I Was Sexually Abused When I Was Younger, But I Have No Recollection

[Alice McClaine]

I know this is a topic brought up a lot but I personally need to let out my story. My name is Alice, I'm 17. For the last year or so I've recently become more aware of my really strange habits or fears I suppose. I've talked to my friend who was sexually abused as a kid and we have similar problems but I have no memory of being sexually abused. But she has a vivid image of it and could explain it word for word.

When I was little, I would look at porn and stuff. I don't really know how I knew about it. I feel like most kids know about porn at a young age. I was really little. Probably 6-7. Around that time, I'd have very vivid and sexual dreams. It's disturbing to me that I was absolutely obsessed with the idea of sex.

Then I would experiment with my friends. This was a couple years later. If they refused to do the stuff I wanted, I would start crying. I know this is wrong. I don't condone any sort of forced sexual activity - I'm just trying to be honest. I felt like if I didn't have this sort of sexual pleasure in my life, I was going to lose my mind.

When I was younger, I had no problem sleeping over someone's house. Then one day, that all just stopped. Now, even at my age, I am terrified to sleep somewhere that isn't my own bed. A couple years ago, I would force myself to sleep at my best friend's house because I felt like I was missing out on my teenage years. I couldn't go to sleep. I was shaking so bad and my stomach hurt so much. At first, I thought it was just because I was sick but it happens every time.

I can't be anywhere that I feel like I can't escape from. Friends' cars, movie theatres, concerts, sleeping over people's houses, even just sitting in class. I don't go to school very often. I pretend I'm sick all the time. Ever since like 4th grade, as soon as I got to school I would get an insane stomach ache. My body just knew I couldn't escape for hours. It's a kind of disturbing fear, now that I think about it.

I have a crazy fetish for bdsm. I have a significant other right now. And both of us have come to realize I physically cannot have vanilla sex. I know I'm underaged so please excuse this portion of the thread. I have to feel like I'm being forced or raped. It's not impossible for me to have a normal round of sex, I just feel almost revolted. Like it feels like my first time, super awkward and all I want to do is escape.

Also I have an irrational fear of certain colored rooms. Or a house that has a lot of trash scattered around it. My friend has a green-colored room that looks like it belongs to a hoarder and I had a panic attack. I don't have OCD so I know that's not the cause of it. Also "gaming rooms" I can't step into. I don't know why. My stomach will hurt and I start feeling extremely suffocated.

Okay, now this is where things get a little f-ed up. I have a huge fantasy of raping little kids. I would NEVER do it. Never in my life. I do not support rape. My favorite cousin is 5 and I would never dream of touching her like that. But whenever I read articles about child rape, instead of being insanely revolted, I just get horny. I know, I'm disgusting. This is the most shameful part of me. I'm absolutely disturbed about it.

Also, tan men with lots of tattoos scare me so bad. When I was little, I remember screaming and crying and holding onto my mom because I saw my uncle. He has a whole bunch of tattoos. The essence of a Jersey boy. Certain styled beards make me uncomfortable.

I feel extremely uncomfortable when I know someone wants to be sexual with me. It took at least 2 years for me and my significant other to reach the stage we are at now. But even then, I have specific sexual acts that need to be performed. Like i feel almost disgusted. I want to have sex. I want to be in love. I fantasize it so often that I'm pretty sure sex is circling my mind more than a prepubescent boy's. But when the act itself is happening I get a chill and I want to throw up and run away.

I'm a writer and I cannot write stories that don't have hints of very dark undertones. Most of them have to do with sexual abuse. Every time I write about it, it feels like a weight lifts off of my shoulder. I can write it so vividly. I've shown small excerpts to my girlfriend. She looked horrified the first time she read them and said "I felt like I was there." I don't know how I can come up with such horribly realistic scenes. My English teacher says good detail is pulled out of past experiences. And that scared me. Writing this stuff makes me happy. It makes me feel good. Such twisted stuff makes me feel really freaking exuberant. I've never written about depression or drug abuse. My brain just doesn't connect with those. But for some reason it severely resonates with rape and child abuse.

I want to go to a Therapist. But I think it'd be weird for some 17 year old to waltz in and say "Heyo I think I was sexually abused as a kid but I have absolutely no memory of it. Help me, thanks." And even then, I could have developed some of these things from something else. My mom is a drunk. Not abusive or anything. She's a successful woman actually. But every chance she gets, she is shit-faced. Also, when I was younger, my dad was addicted to meth. So he was angry a lot. He beat my dog right in front of me when I was 8 or 9. He used to punch holes through walls and our cabinets. He never hurt me. He yelled at me A LOT. But never like verbally abused me I guess.

I don't know, I just want some feedback I guess. I can't tell anyone about this. But I feel like if I don't release this thing that has been suffocating my mind for nearly a year, I'm going to lose my shit.

 

[RussH]

A good therapist may help you uncover any past abuse, or at least help you understand the feelings you have.

 

[Teasel]

I can understand you thinking you nay have been abused. Also understand not having memories of it. Obviously I'm not saying yes you did or no you didn't but I think it would be good to seek help from a therapist if you'd like that. I don't think they would feel there's anything odd about you suspecting you were abused even though you don't remember it.
I think it's fairly common for people not to remember traumatic experiences.

So I think if therapy is something you would like then I would encourage you to start looking into having it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

First, i want you to know you are NOT a "freak".

With that being said i want to carefully state what im about to.

You were very early sexualized. Likely at someone's house, possiblity around a lot of things & possiblity around or in a certian colored room. I am NOT saying that something did happen, but 6 or 7 yr olds dont know what sex is, let alone porn, and let alone sexual acts. Therefore do i think something happened, quite possible.

Secondly, i can identify with have a thought of a child as an older child (yes you are still a child). But i did, at 14, act on that for 5 mins.

Therefore, for just the two reasons above, i believe you need to seek a therapist. As a minor, you cant waltz into a therapist's office anyway. You need a parent to do that, although you can and most do, talk to them alone. So you need to tell your mom, at a time that she's as least shit-faced as possible.

Or you can, however, seek counseling at school. I had the school cop watching my every move in high school as he knew i was prostituting and a few teachers were my clients (he just could never catch me) and he also knew i was suicidal therefore he sorta blindsided me and got me into the guidence counslor's office (whom i didnt talk to much and certianly didnt say what was going on at home) but they got me in with some place that talks to kids without the need of parent approval. I sorta think they knew something was happening at home, they didnt know what and certinaly wouldnt be able to imagine how bad it was (my step dad & mom were raising me in a cult) but i never told them. Likely my bighest regret.

Now at age 34 still in the early stages of dealing with this (supressed for about 10 yrs) and because your thoughts of children can be strong enough to act on, i do urge you to seek so therapy whether with your mom's consent with an actual therapist or through the school.

 

[joeylittle]

but 6 or 7 yr olds dont know what sex is, let alone porn, and let alone sexual acts.

That's not necessarily true. There are many factors that go into early sexual development, and not all of them are based in an abuse experience.

But I think it'd be weird for some 17 year old to waltz in and say "Heyo I think I was sexually abused as a kid but I have absolutely no memory of it. Help me, thanks."

Well, it's never useful to get too predictive about symptoms and what they mean. But, to go to a therapist, talk about what you posted here (your OP is very clear), and then start to do some work - whether it turns out you were sexually abused, you certainly grew up in an abusive environment. Your parents both had serious addiction issues, and your father had major rage. There's definitely stuff there to work on. If there are more memories, they will come up as you start to open up the past, most likely.

I'm sorry for what you're struggling with, and do hope you can figure out how to get some therapy. It'll help.

 

[alrite]

I'm in my 50's and I'm a mental health clinician (therapist - I just don't like the word). I always thought there was something but had not memories, I dismssed it down to hypocondria, as my mother would have. Then a couple of years ago I had a client who was talking about remembering sexual abuse when she was four. Her story triggered an anxiety attack in me and I decided to take some time off work rather than push on as I had in the past. That time stretched into two years, a bit of therapy, and a stay in a psychiatric treatment center. I gradual came to the conclusion that i was sexually assaulted very young. I still have only fragments of memories, panic attacks triggered by the subject and dreams that lead me to the conclusion. I would rather it not be true, but the reactions I have to the subject confirm it.
So long story to get to the point: It sounds like you have enough trauma to justify seeing a therapist without adding sexual abuse, but your symptoms definitely say something happened to you that would qualify as sexual abuse. Sexual abuse has many forms that can affect memory and symptoms: age, who, what? A 2 or 4 or 6 year old won't recall much. I was talking with a woman recently who had no memories before age 9; I sure that wasn't because nothing significant happened. I struggled greatly with whether or not it happened (I was doing that earlier to day). but I've found that it's what makes sense and acknowledging it seems to bring some sense of grounding, but also anxiety. I still fear being called a fake, but people I've told have been understanding and supportive (other than a certain psychiatrist). I had an intake appointment for seeing a therapist at an agency that specializes in SA; so now I'm on the wait list. (apparently they believed me as well). but my sleep has been short and disturbed since. I have good support from my wife and from friends and my church (not all of any of those are a guarrenteed source of support, I'm blessed).
I try to keep in mind that I survived what ever happened. Consciously I just want to get it over with, but subconsciously there's panic. Working on anxiety managment (exercise, relaxation, fun) and containment skills are a good place to start on this kind of journey.
Not remembering is self protective, so don't push too hard against it. i was working with a client recently who was needing to talk about sexual abuse (something I'm supposed to not work with) that sounded pretty low in trauma. She (and I) was surprised and quite overwhelmed by the memories that came.
It might be best to start with some of the trauma you recall, you have plenty - I suspect that for you having people affirm your suspicion will be helpful.
Therapists can be really uncomfortable with blocked memory. My answer to them is that, when I remember I connect with myself; to me that's worth the stress/pain. but I'm 50+ and have a lot more resources than I had when I was 17 or even 40.
Don't be hard on yourself for the impulses. My understanding is that they are messages from your unconscious a bit like dreams; they have meaning and will makes sense and disappear as you work through you trauma.
I wish you well.

 

[Klo]

I can relate to a lot of what you shared. I was exactly the same at your age (and yes that includes being turned on by the idea of others being raped, even though I could never actually do such a thing), and also had no memories of any sexual abuse, only physical and emotional abuse. However when I got my first boyfriend, we couldn't have sex, and I had no idea why. At age 19 I had my first gyne exam. I thought I was a virgin. My doctor found internal scarring, and diagnosed me with vaginismus. Everything spiraled completely out of control from there. The flashbacks started about a year later. I was driven absolutely mad wondering what happened, and then when I started to remember, I wished I could go back to just being insane from not knowing anything. The reason I explain this is to try to emphasize the importance of handling your healing with much patience and care, and also to validate you, such thoughts and feelings do not come out of nowhere.

 

[Bubblesofdarkness]

idk, I’m 40 and I KNOW I was molested several times but don’t remember the acts. I have memories of specific men at specific ages (one committed suicide after he saw me again 25 years later).

Every memory starts off with a nice guy giving me loving attention (like drawing me or bouncing me on his knee) something I did not get from my father, but then BLANK. No memories at all.

I remember getting naked with a girl at 8 & dancing & enjoying ourselves & my mom caught us & freaked out.

My mom was a single working mom. I was alone or with my brother & his many friends often. I went to catholic school up until 3rd grade because I was acting up rebellious & forced to take several mental evaluations that all said I was way above average. My mother put me in public school where I flourished much better. Probably because I wasn’t so restricted.

Two things are my main need in life, comfortable home & being able to escape it all.

I’ve gone through substance abuse-still battle it, I am an artist & nurturer. I love animals, nature and my closest friends & family. But I definitely am quick to push them all (not my dog) out of my life & dream of being all alone. But I like talking to people. I like helping people. Because of the substance abuse (my favorite was SBalls) but I definitely am more into the ‘put me to sleep’ stuff, I actually won’t let drs etc touch me unless I’m OUT, high anxiety, so as far as I’m concerned I’m healthy and don’t touch me. But loved the near death experiences. I ended up at a clinic.

There was this older man that one day I was just being my bubbly charismatic self & I just said..I don’t remember most of my childhood. He said ‘it’s because u don’t want to’ & it was like a sword thru my heart, soul, gut & mind. I actually don’t know if I ever want to remember.

I was extremely sexual in kindergarten!!

Once I was a teenager I didn’t want any man to touch me. I was mentally suicidal but always thought of the person I would hurt if I actually did die, that kinda goes on to this day. I decided to take my own virginity @ 11 & chose a guy that was a friend, not very close either. I just wanted to get it over with. Then after that, I stayed away from guys, but I would get aroused if it was a guy I knew I’d never see again, didn’t know their name etc..

Because of my lifestyle, and idk why, but I started to become a young adult that every guy wanted to marry. So I had a few long term relationships. One was really healthy, I dumped him, the other was completely not healthy & I dumped him after finding my now husband. I didn’t know he’d be my husband. I was just attracted to him & our combined death wish. We have grown together. We are solid. It’s been 20 years. But I am definitely the more self destructive of the 2. He can’t even think about the things we used to do but I can.

And I was always into body modifications, shoving needles into my own nipples etc. I was a natural, still am I suppose. I have replaced my need for pain with sticking hat pins into my skin to ‘just retrieve that ingrown hair’ but I know it’s more than that because if I don’t do it, if my day isn’t completely filled with non stop action, I start to have anxiety wanting, needing to do it. I never got into actual cutting. Thank god, because I have enough scars.

And the sex. I don’t enjoy it unless I’m either f*cked up or it’s painful in some way. Like I’ll tell my husband to bite my nipples hard, or do me hard. I also fluctuate between S or M. I don’t like bondage. That gives me anxiety. Like I can’t escape. I can tell u the main reason for me KNOWING I have been molested (not by family thank god!) came about while I was watching some “artistic” film and there was a scene of male adult on female “child”. And that absolutely DISGUSTS me. Always has. But this one time I was disgusted as usual yet my lower area got hot & wet. Freaked me out! Another time I saw a porn with a very old man on a 18 yr old girl & that did the same thing. And I think old men are disgusting. Maybe the shame is why I have been such a strong dominant female? Like I’m trying to make up for it.

But I’m gonna be crusified when I say this..my experience with therapy has never helped. We are our best therapists. And there is something disingenuous about paying someone to hear you talk. I much rather just talk this way to strangers that have similar issues.

Idk if this post helps u at all. I’m 40 & still struggle with my demons. I LOVE my husband. Like LOVE him like he’s my rock soul mate best friend father figure (which I have issues with when He is trying to steer me down the right path I get rebellious..saying ‘never had a dad, never needed one, and ur not going to be my dad now’) but I have fantasies of leaving, cheating etc & it makes me hate myself because I love him so much and would never want to hurt him in that way.

I’m venomous & I’m super loving. Sometimes I wonder if it’s best I just take what I believe to have happened many times (because I can trace the blackouts & when do kids have blackouts/missing time?) & just look forward into my life as it is now & just trust in the universe that someday maybe my demons will be released.

 

[Swift]

You aren't disgusting, or weird, or a freak.
Obviously I can't tell you one way or the other, but the symptoms you're describing match up.
I wouldn't be too worried about seeking out therapy either.
In my country you can request confidentiality at 16.
Places you could go are women's centres, rape crisis centres or queer centres. These are usually free, and usually won't tell your parents. You don't even have to give your real name.
Your therapist, I can almost guarantee, will have heard stranger things.
It's great that you have a partner. I'm gay too. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I did a lot of dumb stuff sexually when I was your age and coming to terms with stuff. Stuff that wasn't good for me or my healing. Stuff that was unsafe and could've ended much more badly than it did. Consensual BDSM is fine, but play safely!
If it's not possible to see someone, is there a helpline you might be able to call? RAINN or kid's help line might be a possibility.