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I Think I'm Done.

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I know you are in exteme pain now. I hope you hang on and breathe through this one. You are not alone. You deserve to feel better and you will eventually. My heart goes out to you. Please hang on even by a thread. Hugs.
 
I lived with indescribable pain for a very long time, and felt like you, Innordinate, that nothing would change, and it was always going to be the same empty, hollow, lonely life - where nothing mattered because I didn't matter. My ptsd still kicks my butt but I laugh now. I'm happy off and on, and the pain is really much less on most days. Like you, I was done, but something made me hold on.

Please, please, know that you are cared about here - some of my dearest friends are people I will never meet in person, but have helped me through terrible times, always with love, respect and dignity. That's what we have for you, here on this forum. You matter very much.

xoxo
 
If I had the answer to that I would crown myself Guru over all.

I've been where you are, in my own way I AM where you are. It always feels like the same old crap over and over again doesn't it? Like an annoying song getting overplayed on the radio. I wish I had some comfort to give you, because I want you to feel comforted and know that you deserve to come out the other side. You deserve to see the sunlight and smile.

I don't know if we're alike enough for this to help, but when things get so difficult I don't think I can take another step, I don't focus on anything else other than getting through the next minute, the next hour, the next task or decision and so on. When I break life up into smaller things, the humongous task of healing and dealing with my past doesn't feel so hopeless.
 
Just that.

Just everything piling on.

I sort of grew up feeling that way. Early on, I decided to take responsibility for my own emotional survival (e.g., conscious thought). I remember telling myself, again, as a kid, "Well, if no one else here is going to give a damn about me, I'll go it alone. I'll stop needing people." Now, I'm not bragging nor claiming to be a tough guy, but simply explaining how and why I've managed to disregard the opinions, drama, and unhealthy 'values' of others, such that I can survive them, as I go through life. I feel much better about life, on an almost hourly basis (seriously), specifically because I've taught myself not to care what others think, as long as I'm doing my level-best to be a good person. Hang in there. Go out and exercise, if you don't already. Exercise will in fact make you feel better. Believe me.
 
There has to be something you can do that you're really interested in. Something......
Give it some thought. Go for it. Find something to live for. Don't give up. You're alive for a reason. Find out what it is, and live for it. When I last bottomed out, I told myself, "Okay, I'm going to serve others without any reservations. I'm going to live to serve others, completely. If I die serving others, that's not a bad way to go out." I didn't die. I got through it.
 
The 'ying and yang' of life, I guess. No, I personally don't 'need' them (e.g., covet anything they could offer me, such as praise, compensation, approval, etc.). Nevertheless, I feel an obligation to help others, to serve them. It's a religious feeling. One of my all-time favorites is Mother Teresa. She walked the ghetto-streets of Calcutta, reaching down into heaps of garbage, gutters, the mud, to pull back into the World of the Living, those whom society had deemed 'untouchable', unworthy of life, human-filth. With her bare hands she reached down, grabbed them, held them, restored them, without hesitation. In the service of others, nothing was beneath her. That was her purpose.
 
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