I Think I'm Losing My Mind

[TimidZiggy]

I was doing very very well for a long time and then a bunch of stuff happened.

First of all my dog died. We have two dogs so keep that in mind. This dog was my roommate's dog and was here before I moved in. I've lived here for ten years with that dog. Rather abruptly she just stopped eating, wouldn't get up, and it was obvious she was dying. Over a period of about two days she slowly declined. We got her to the vet when it was at its worst and that was one of the most horrifying experiences of my life. Turns out she had a huge tumor basically the size of a bowling ball in her stomach. It was compressing her lungs and she couldn't breathe any more. I nearly fainted when I saw the X-Rays. Needless to say the right thing to do was put her down.

This was about 5 nights ago. Two nights after she died MY dog (he's specifically mine as he was a birthday gift about 2 years ago) attempted to attack another small dog. This is the second time he's done this (First time he nearly killed the dog this time I tackled him in time to stop anything from happening. Sprained my knee and wrenched my shoulder). Not to mention that while this is all going on I get my period and I have a recent diagnosis of endometriosis. Yeah it gets worse. I am in debt. Massive debt. To a point where are the beginning of the month I was late on two payments. Of course this meant they charged me a late fee of 100 dollars on each account. 100 dollars I could not afford to pay. My cat also broke my phone (spilled soda on it). An 800 dollar phone completely gone and now I have something you could barely even call a phone. I know what everyone will say "be lucky you have a phone". Yeah I GET it. What people also don't understand is my phone was a security blanket to me. Comfort. It was my chat with the outside world and all my friends. It was a lifeline for me. Now all I have is a phone that makes calls, if that (cause it only works half the time) and texting which WAS my lifeline to help with anxiety is no longer a thing I can do.

The past few days have been HELL for me. Intrusive thoughts everywhere, flashbacks, nightmares, running on nearly no sleep. Started to sell all my stuff (stuff I have emotional attachments to) in order to cover bills. I am afraid I'm going to snap. I don't know what to do. I am logically aware that ALL of this all combined into one huge ball is what's causing my problems. It will pass. But will it pass before I lose my mind? Will it? I am not currently on medications because for one NONE of them were working (I tried 6 they all had severely adverse reactions on me even after the start up periods). My doctor will not prescribe me ANYTHING PRN even though it's been well established I will not abuse such things. She refuses me valium constantly saying I don't NEED it. Well if I ever NEEDED it, it's right now but no one will give it to me.

I am frustrated with my life. I don't want to die, I don't want to harm anyone, but I also cannot stop with the intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and flashbacks. A lot of times I feel detached as well. I have reached out for help. Really I have TRIED. They want to put me on heavy SSRIs AGIAN which will take 8 weeks to even start working, didn't work before, and I can't do right now because I NEED to start a job to cover these bills (and I have two job interviews this week). Starting meds NOW would be the dumbest idea ever. Yet my psychiatrist is convinced I'll totally abuse valium even if I have no actual history of abusing valium. My roommate who is FAR LESS panicky than me gets valium SO easily. My friend's cousin barely mentioned he had anxiety and they gave him a TON of valium. Me? No apparently I'm a drug addict cause...reasons?

I'm very frustrated with life right now. It SUCKS. I am constantly trying to get treatment, see a doctor, whatever but none of them are helping me. What would help the most if I could JUST SLEEP and valium is something that has always helped me sleep. I know after a few good nights of sleep I ALWAYS feel better but this is being denied me in favor of heavy medications that I don't even NEED to be on. This is a small period of time with a high amount of stress that's going to pass. It's a situation that I'm depressed over not a chemical imbalance (I don't even have a diagnosis of depression). WHY WON'T ANYONE HELP ME? How do I get my psychiatrist to listen? Switching won't work either because that will take 6-8 months and if you think I'm lying, try me, because I already thought about doing that. Where do I even go at this point?

I'm not suicidal or dangerous so hospitals won't do anything but offer me one pill on the premise and send me home but I can't keep going to the ER or I'll look drug seeking which I kind of am but for a good reason. Why does NO ONE take me seriously when I say this is just a bad situation of a whole bunch of stress piling up and it'll pass if I can just get some FREAKING SLEEP!?

 

[ghotiff]

Lack of sleep makes everything worse. I wish I had answers, but I don't. Sorry.

 

[EveHarrington]

IME it's not a matter of getting a doc to listen. It sounds like your doc is just set in her ways and isn't going to change as evidenced by 1) she refuses to prescribe benzodiazepines and 2) she's only prescribing SSRIs. Why only SSRIs when there are other antidepressants, other non-benzodiazepine anxiety meds, mood stabilizers and antipsychotics which can also reduce anxiety? It may take 6 months but I'd get the ball rolling on finding a new doctor. It won't help now but it will help later. Your future self will thank you for starting the process. Trying to wrangle benzodiazepines out of a doctor can be seen as drug seeking behavior (even when it's not) and having that in your records can later influence the decisions of future doctors as to what they prescribe (if they see your records.)

 

[Heather]

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I totally understand about being frustrated about NOT being prescribed anything that is helpful for anxiety. I am dealing with the same thing. And I can relate because there are days I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

I hope you find some peace.

I wish I had something constructive to offer..... I only can share that I know what it's like to have such bad anxiety and NOTHING freaking works! And what does work they won't prescribe.

 

[Sideways]

For shorter term relief, you could try hammering it with exercise and zen.

A really good cardio exercise each day is fantastic for reducing anxiety for the rest of the day, and it's also one of the best ways to get good quality sleep at night.

Setting aside 30 minutes before bed to commit to a routine of some guided relaxation should also help with both the anxiety levels and getting off to sleep and staying asleep.

They both take more work than valium, but they are also both excellent remedies for both sleep and anxiety.

 

[ghotiff]

Self soothing both regularly and premeptively seems to have resolved my anxiety. I took sertraline while I learnt it, and it took a long time to see tangible results but for me it has been such a profound, yet seemingly simple solution.

 

[joeylittle]

How do I get my psychiatrist to listen?

Stay calm in how you communicate it. Give your psych the symptoms. Be specific about the number of hours of sleep you are getting, how often it's interrupted, etc. Tell her you understand about the valium and that you aren't asking for that anymore.

Tell her that you've either cut out caffeine or you've tapered back and don't have any past 11am (if you're shooting for an 11pm bedtime. Leave a 12 hour window). Leave four hours after your last meal of the day, before you go to sleep. Shut down all screens 2 hours before sleep. Check your sleep hygiene - develop a simple 30=45 minute routine that you can commit to before bed. After you've been in bed for 30-45 minutes, if you haven't fallen asleep, get up again, have a cup of tea or a glass of water, do something mind-numbingly boring not involving a computer for 15 minutes, and go try again. Get an hour of exercise in during the day, however you can.

Basically, you be able to demonstrate to her that you've done everything in your power. That paragraph, above, pretty much covers it.

Honestly - it's great if you can do most of those things. The caffeine, the screens, the not eating later than 4 before bed, and the sleep routine are the four most important ones. But, if you aren't sleeping - oh, I'm gonna get flamed for this - lie. Just lie. Tell her you've addressed everything in that paragraph, and tell her as calmly as you can.

Then ask her what to do. So long as you are locked in the valium battle, you're not going to get anywhere. I know it's frustrating, but just let it go.

Does she have admitting privileges at a local hospital, and are you insured? If so, suggest that you go inpatient for a few days, just to step away from all the stress and get your sleep schedule working.

Meds you could suggest: prazosin, low-dose seroquel, Methyl Folate (prescription strength), trazodone (but not if nightmares are an issue).

Some things that have been helping me with my latest bout of insomnia:
Dead Link Removed - honestly, it's really good. I do not drug easily, and I was shocked at how well this worked for me.

You can take up to 10mg of melatonin.
This product: Dead Link Removed is pricey; I've never tried it but I know people who swear by it.
This product: Natrol Advanced Sleep has made me something of a melatonin convert.

You can also experiment with CBD oil. It's the non-psychoactive part of cannabis, and it's legal for purchase.