Sufferer I Think It's Time I Talk To People Like Me

[Randombits]

I think This is the first forum I've ever joined or posted on.

I'm not really sure what to say, I was diagnosed last fall while pregnant but the incident was 3 1/2 yrs ago. I feel very awkward even here talking about PTSD because I wasn't injured in military service and despite my gender it has nothing to do with sexual assault or abuse. In fact I don't even feel like I deserve the diagnoses because I feel like what happened to me most people will just see as a minor thing. I wish it was since the memories and triggers the guilt the shame the anxiety and mostly the rage have filled every part of my life.

The triggers are normal everyday things for most people so sometimes it's just hard to avoid and then like this week I over load and become completely unfunctional. That just causes more guilt and shame because I'm destroying the family that depends on me. I'm married we have a 6 month old I have a ten yr old from my first marriage and my "niece" is 7 her dad is a vet with physical disabilities and PTSD but his and mine are so very different. I had been taking care of him and his daughter for two yrs before my trauma and I know that a huge part of my denial was because I saw similarities in my changing behavior and was afraid that if I was deemed unfit or damaged I would cause the loss of his daughter and my son as I was going through divorce I had initiated in the months before I was injured.

I'm screaming in my own head most of the time or breaking down sobbing. I have a pretty wonderful life I've rebuilt and it feels like I'm going to ruin it because I can't keep it together.

I start seeing a trauma specialist therapist Monday I've had a wonderful psychologist and PC Dr this whole time.

I'm not good at these things so I guess that's a start of an into.

The normal happy stuff is I'm a mom I teach Sunday school at a UU and volunteer a lot, before I was injured I was a photographer and clothing designer I still do what I can with those and always will. I like gardening and old fashioned things like antiques, home cooking and being creative.

 

[Em C.]

Hey don't feel bad about saying you have ptsd! :)

I was like that too at the beginning (I have what soldiers get? That's just pathetic) but the mindset doesn't help anything. Everyone has different triggers and nothing is minor if you don't define it that. You know you better than they do!

*hugs*

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

In fact I don't even feel like I deserve the diagnoses because I feel like what happened to me most people will just see as a minor thing. I wish it was since the memories and triggers the guilt the shame the anxiety and mostly the rage have filled every part of my life.

I totally understand that and I will write more later when I am not as distracted. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and I want to share what was told to me in that regard.

 

[Ti Vu]

Well, I think you've chosen the best forum possible and a big, warm Welcome. :)

I used to (still do) compare what happened to me to what happened to others and feel that my problems are minuscule. But I guess I was doing it wrong, you know? An experience is an experience no matter what. And they're all of equal importance because they affected us in similar ways.

Stop me if you feel that I'm overstepping my bounds, but you're a very strong, brave person. For all that you have done- taking care of your family, continuing doing what you love, volunteering, and sharing your feelings, your life with your psychologist, doctor, therapist, and us. That's strength right there.

As for the triggers, do you use any grounding techniques or have one that you prefer?

 

[Randombits]

I am really horrible at grounding and I probably always was so that's not really a new thing.

Just being someplace quiet helps a lot since probably half of my triggers are sound related. Now finding anyplace quiet in a household of six on a busy street in an ok but could be a hell of a lot better how have I not just shot my neighbors yet neighborhood , well that's not as easy as I would like. I'm happy at my office but if something sets me off and I freak to the point I won't leave the house I can't get there. I need to move and I know that will help it's just not feasible yet I intend if I can keep it together that in a year it will be an option.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@Randombits you have absolutely nothing whatsoever to feel guilty or embarrassed about.

I have Childhood trauma, compounded by NDE (serious car crash) three failed suicide attempts and to top it all Combat Stress from service in the Military.

The fact I have all these together simply complicates therapy and recovery for me, it does not make my diagnosis any more important than yours and I would challenge anyone who disagrees with that.

You SUFFERED a TRAUMA sufficent to be psychologically damaging, as to affect your mental health. I suffered several compounded traumas sufficient to affect my mental health.

That does not make your Trauma any less damaging or serious to you as a patient, and does not make my compounded traumas any more important or severe over yours.

We are all sufferers alike and need to connect with that trauma in a controlled manner, process that trauma through therapy or medicinal intervention. Learn to cope and understand our issues.

We are IMHO exactly the same you and I alike. Just the same IMHO again as the multitude of sufferers here on the forum.

You are in essense a Sufferer and I and the others like US are Sufferers.

I wish you every success in your personal PTSD journey.

Kindest Regards and :hug:s if you accept them.

Laurence

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Randombits I have a few quiet minutes so I can try to respond more in-depth now. What I wanted to say was similar to what TiVu said- an experience is an experience. Trauma is defined as something like feeling like your life or someone else's well-being or life is threatened. That is subjective- it can be different things for different people. When I was first diagnosed with PTSD, I felt that I was so weak for struggling so much. I had a ton of anger and I lashed out at my husband a lot. I felt like the most horrible person. Since then, I have learned that there is more trauma in my past so I now have been diagnosed with complex-PTSD and even still I feel like I shouldn't be struggling as much as I am because "other people have it worse", but that doesn't help me cope so I try to avoid that thinking as much as I can.

I also wanted to say that the trauma that was the catalyst for my PTSD happened when my youngest son was 7 months old. Taking a care of a baby is hard work. Taking care of a baby while struggling with other problems is even harder. It is super hard to be depended upon while you are dealing with so much internally. It would seem that you have had a lot of strength thus far. You seem to have the right supports in place to help you through this. I am glad you came on this forum because it can be a lot of help. It's certainly made me feel less alone.

 

[Randombits]

I always took life's ups and downs in stride. I didn't have a great childhood and once as an adult had a social worker look at files from it and ask me "how hard was it", I wasn't sure what she ment because honestly I had no basis for comparison. We were poor my selfish self absorbed lazy mother caused that and was a horrible housekeeper. Not the worst childhood. I've been in car accidents and yeah I might afterwards not want to ride or drive one for a while but I always did eventually just needed time and space. My ex husband well... He's basically my mom with a sex addiction but he's my ex I took care of that and I didn't assume all men to be like him or blame myself for not seeing it and I remarried a wonderful man and outstanding father. I always got over things I always kept on trucking and I can honestky say never in my life have I feared death. Not because I've never been in danger no I'd say the opposite I have an old habit of charging in to save who ever in distress because I wasn't afraid. Rules were rules laws laws and the truth the truth and as long as I stayed mostly inside the rules knew where laws applied and told the truth I never saw any reason to be afraid of anyone.

And then the rules the laws and the truth all failed me while I was trying to uphold them and protect people I cared about. Because it was an officer with a bone to pick for my fearless attitudes and "you need to learn a lesson" I couldn't fight back that would break the rules and the law but I figured truth would still set me free.

It didn't I spent Christmas night away from my family my wrists tendons forever torn by the improper use of the handcuffs and an officer who went up without me said something to the jail so they wouldn't listen to me that I do not have a warrant I am a law abiding citizen I called the cops to arrest a non law abiding probation violator not me see look here I work for a law office I get the same feeds you do see no warrant I put people in this jail not the other way around. And the lady didn't look she didn't listen she took my clothes my jewelry put me in these awful orange things with out a pillow she sent me into a full unit of the kind of people I protected people from. And 20 hrs I don't consciously remember later they called my name and let me go. It was a holiday it was a weekend nothing had changed except there was new people working the desk who actually looked when my family went down to plead I didn't belong there.

And for 3 1/2 yrs I've learned what it feels like to actually be afraid and to not have faith in anything even now myself.

And I am angry angry me and my kids pay the price and no one else angry my hand doesn't work angry all the time because I can't find anyway away from the stuff that reminds me why I'm angry.

Sorry that was a lot sometimes I just need it out not screaming it all in my own skull

 

[intothelight]

Hi @Randombits

Welcome to the forum! :)

One of the best parts of this site, is that you can connect with people who really do understand. The members here are very open and don't judge a persons trauma and all of us are here for one purpose, and that is to get better.

I hope you find the time spent here beneficial to your healing.

Debbie

 

[Justmehere]

You are so not alone in your experience nor your symptoms from it. So sorry from the hell I am exhausted from a long triggery day and I can't think much - but I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone - and I'm so glad you are here on the forums. Welcome :)

 

[Randombits]

You are so not alone in your experience nor your symptoms from it. So sorry from the hell I am exhausted from a long triggery day and I can't think much - but I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone - and I'm so glad you are here on the forums. Welcome :)

Thank you I started on my path that landed me here today this week when my wonderful Monday was set off by a strong enough trigger to cause a full flashback (they are rare I know but it's not the first time first time was anniversary of the trauma and I woke up screaming and daughter help that day). I ended up on a healthcare centers crisis line and talking to on call Drs then seeing mine and being offered the 3 day vacation or see a specialist in six days. So I feel you on the triggers day I'm trying to get out of it myself.