General I Think I've Got A Name For It Now... Childhood Emotional Neglect.

[Eleanor]

I felt strong and happy so I guess it was an illusion.

Or not. Maybe this is the illusion. Maybe we need to keep nurturing and checking in with the child(ren).

I expect mental health is a lot like physical hygene. "I take a bath once a week, whether I need one or not.":)
If we shift the expectation that "solving" is once and for all, (do we water a plant ONCE and expect it to grow?) it is... more realistic. I guess it takes choices every day. I'm still doing the happiness challenge. I am bad at forming habits, so it helps to have the external accountability for me. I have broken long established habits before simply by forgetting to do them. Seriously, two weeks later I just realize I haven't done that thing I always used to do for a while...It is more than a little disconcerting.

 

[Cyrene]

Something that just occurred to me based on recent life stuff and looking over that CEN questionnaire... I know I definitely have trouble calming myself down from being upset, and I think it's because I apparently grew up absorbing the expectation that I didn't have any right to be comforted -- that, in essence, I deserved to be upset. Though this is also mixed in with feelings of needing to be emotionally self-sufficient as a child, like I wasn't allowed to or shouldn't need to ask my parents for support. It's sort of a chicken-and-egg issue: what came first, the feeling that I didn't deserve to be comforted, or the feeling that I should just "tough it out" in order to be self-sufficient? Not that I necessarily think the answer to this question is important, since either way I've been struggling with both of these feelings for a very long time and I need to work through them somehow.

 

[Everhopeful]

Do any of you struggle a lot with self-care... eating, drinking water, getting exercise, getting sleep, etc.? Because sometimes I have such a hard time feeling like I even deserve food or water or anything, it's such a struggle. I know it's not helping my overall health to ignore these things... but still there are times I can't convince myself I'm worth it. I dunno. Does anyone else experience this? Has anyone found good ways to combat this? (Or is it just me???)

D123

I became the total disciplinarian with myself and my body as a teenager and well into my adulthood. I developed anorexia nervosa, I just didn't eat much for about 3 years, I told everyone I was turning to vegetarianism to avoid eating any protein. I lost a lot of weight, became anaemic and tired and weak. At the same time I started long distance running. I would run for at least an hour and a half each day 6 days a week, while eating next to nothing. I developed bone density problems due to not having a period for 3 years.
And still I carried on until I nearly collapsed due to weakness and anaemia.

I did improve my eating habits, but continued to follow punishing exercise regimes, plus I was very unforgiving on myself as a person, I did not like myself much. So I had to carry on "proving myself" in the sporting field: running ultra marathons and taking part in Ironman events in my country.

I look back on the past 20 years of my life, and it was like I was chasing my own tail! Running around aimlessly in circles. Trying to jump through higher and higher flaming hoops. To do what? Prove to myself that I am ok?

 

[EverOnly358]

Not that I necessarily think the answer to this question is important, since either way I've been struggling with both of these feelings for a very long time and I need to work through them somehow.

No, I think it's really important! I cannot self-soothe when I'm upset and it causes all kinds of problems. I get sad and upset and I become inconsolable. It's really back to the inner child thing... I think we have to go back and replay some of the bad times, when these skewed expectations were created (stuff like my thoughts and emotions don't matter, the fact that I'm hungry or thirsty or upset doesn't matter, the fact that I'm so obviously physically hurt and it doesn't matter, etc.) and recreate them being with ourselves as a adult that helps that inner child. I'm having pretty good luck with it, though it still feels very weird.

I look back on the past 20 years of my life, and it was like I was chasing my own tail! Running around aimlessly in circles. Trying to jump through higher and higher flaming hoops. To do what? Prove to myself that I am ok?

I think we've all found different ways to avoid or deny the real problem, PTSD. It happens. Then we try to do better.

{{{Hugs}}} to all. It's sad to hear how difficult things have been for everyone, but it's also hopeful that we're all addressing these things that nobody thought meant enough to be addressed before, too. Even though it's hard for us... maybe that we're here talking about it is a sign that we are worth being taken care of, that we deserve something better than neglect.

 

[Everhopeful]

D123, I think I need to clarify that I don't have PTSD. I am in a marriage with a man who has Complex PTSD due to childhood abuse, trauma etc. He also has been diagnosed with Bipolar Mood Disorder and recently I started to suspect that he has Borderline Personality traits. I am beginning to realise that my siblings and I were subject to CEN as kids, and that as a result developed a Codependent personality, as I seem permanently stuck in "Rescuer" mode in most of my relationships. I never truly realised and opened up to this truth about myself before I married my husband.

I can identify with a lot of the pain many people express on this Forum, and it also helps me greatly, but I do not want to act like an "imposter" and make anyone get the impression that I am a PTSD sufferer by any means. :shy:

 

[Toria]

Wow - that is all absolutely fascinating. I have no idea if I fall in to that catagory, but would hazard a guess that I do. My mother was sectioned when I was 11 with Bipolar and my dad did the very best he could in totally unconventional circumstances. There was no intent of hurt, but I always see myself as way more insular than everyone else. Some may say shy - I say incapable of showing my emotions on the outside.

Thank you Eleanor for finding and sharing.

I have to say, I always refer to myself and Husband as "damaged goods". Not the most romantic of descriptions!!! But sometimes two wrongs do make a right :happy:

 

[Tinyflame]

@Toria , hope it's ok to say, that's cute :) . You've turned a negative saying in to a positive one. I still recall some saying about wounds being 'complementary'. But perhaps also can be 'goodness' or good qualities, especially in healthier relationships.

@Everhopeful , I don't think it matters if you are a 'sufferer' or not, the more people the understanding and application helps, the better, seems to me. :hug:

 

[The Albatross]

Both my first and second marriages were to people "as screwed up as I was"... though not PTSD. The first was overtly abusive in just about every way imaginable... the second was the passive/aggressive financial sabotaging one Brat shares about.

I had a sponsor once when I was considering ending my marriage and another alcoholic in recovery was expressing an interest in my ask, "Why do you think you deserve to have a relationship with another alcoholic?" I'm still in my second marriage, but by all that is holy, I will endeavor to ask myself that if ever I have by circumstance the opportunity to consider a partner again.

I bookmarked that list by the way thank you for putting it up. I started to read it and ceased up a bit and stopped breathing. There are things on that list, quite a few, I haven't taken a hard look at yet.

 

[keystolife]

Yes! I beat myself up about it, too. I want to tell you so much... don't beat yourself up about it! You had a difficult childhood. You didn't deserve anything that happened to you. You're working on it now, so you're doing everything you can. You deserve to be happy and healthy. And I truly mean those words for you, @Abstract. The nutty thing is, I cannot seem to say those same words to myself no matter how hard I try. One day, I guess.

Hey D123,

I want to tell you something. Don't beat yourself up about it! You had a difficult childhood. You didn't deserve anything that happened to you. You're working on it now, so you're doing everything you can. You deserve to be happy and healthy. And I truly mean those words for you.

I don't even know ya, but I know ya... =) .
Just signed up, read your post and kind of wished someone would have said that to me somewhere along the way, or that I could say it to myself too. So hey, thanks for being an altruist.

Have a good one, you deserve it

 

[The Albatross]

My brain hiccuped as apparently I omitted the word I wanted most "covertly" or "covert... with reference to my present husband. The first overt, the second covert... the second is easier to deal with, though it puts us on a tough playing field. I will though elect, to not repeat the pattern, if ever I get another chance.

 

[Abstract]

I developed anorexia nervosa,....Borderline Personality traits. I am beginning to realise that my siblings and I were subject to CEN as kids, and that as a result developed a Codependent personality, as I seem permanently stuck in "Rescuer" mode

Everhopeful,
I think you describe exactly what Eleanor was getting at when she posted the thread! People who have been deprived of emotional care and support as children growing up not knowing how to look after their own needs and being accustomed to looking after others then hooking up to someone who is a taker who has also not had their childhood needs met but has reacted to that differently. In your case and it seems many of those who come here for support as "supporters" that means being codependent in a relationship with a taker that happens to have PTSD.

I also think the codependent - borderline link is a such a classic one as is the codependent - narcissist link. Edited to add: actually borderline - narcissist is another common one. Terribly problematic but you can see why it happens if you look at the way each is functioning.

I also wanted to say that I think eating disorders are common in those who have suffered neglect. Obviously other types of abuse as well but neglect results is severe disconnection from our selves in certain ways. Over exercise and starvation as opposed to nutrition and rest are almost natural when we have not been fed emotionally and don't know how to mother ourselves. I know for me that eating disorders absolutely were partly about this. Eating, sleeping and any self care felt wrong. Reflection back from an adult when we are children develops our ability to identify and meet the needs we have.
.

 

[Eleanor]

The co-dependency stuff always confused me before, it sort of fit, but not really. Now I see how it works with me, and I am getting off that merry go round.

I seem permanently stuck in "Rescuer" mode in most of my relationship

Did you see the other thread with the drama triangle in it? This thread https://www.myptsd.com/threads/trauma-reenactment-triangle.37612/ the diagram is toward the bottom of the page.

It is a relief to get OUT of that triangle.