General I Think I've Got A Name For It Now... Childhood Emotional Neglect.

[Everhopeful]

Wow, the amount of collective insight and knowledge here just blows my mind! Thank you everyone for sharing. I only now at 44 years of age am getting the feeling that I am truly "waking up" to my life. Yes, I am totally in the codependent - Borderline Personality Disorder dynamic with my current partner. I was involved with a man who I was eventually convinced was a Narcissist before for 2 whole years I'd rather forget. I was together for 5 years with a man who was extremely Avoidant and Passive Aggressive towards me. Before that I spent 5 years of my young adulthood investing in a man who perhaps was Borderline, definitely quite delusional at times and addicted to marijuana.

So truly, if I hadn't been a Codependent stuck in the drama triangle, forever trying to rescue troubled men, then I don't know. I have also been trying to rescue my aging mother from her unhappy life (she also chooses dysfunctional men as life partners). And I supported a woman for 13 years, who came to help me clean my home, and she ended up taking complete advantage of me financially, and I let her. And even at work and in my friendships in my personal sphere, I have always attracted those with so much drama and chaos in their lives, and they seemed to cling to me for emotional support and advice.

I don't mean to sound disdainful of those in need of support, what I mean is that I should not have let people believe that I can rescue them from their problems. I did not have the ability to even reflect on how I was, and yet I thought I had so much self-knowledge. I even studied psychology for 4 years, ha ha. Now the lights are finally coming on for me and I know I have a lot of hard work to do: spiritual, soul work on myself.

 

[EverOnly358]

Hey D123, I want to tell you something. Don't beat yourself up about it! You had a difficult childhood. You didn't deserve anything that happened to you. You're working on it now, so you're doing everything you can. You deserve to be happy and healthy. And I truly mean those words for you. I don't even know ya, but I know ya... =) . Just signed up, read your post and kind of wished someone would have said that to me somewhere along the way, or that I could say it to myself too. So hey, thanks for being an altruist.

@keystolife, :) :) :)

You put the biggest smile on my face. And now I'm tearing up. THANK YOU!

I think that's the greatest thing about this website, we're not alone. Other people understand. Welcome to the forum, @keystolife, and I don't know your story either, but while I'm very happy you're here (*truly*), I am also so sorry for what you went through that coming to this site is necessary. Without knowing you, I know that you didn't deserve what happened to you, either. You deserve better, you do. Be happy and be well. :)

 

[EverOnly358]

As I seem permanently stuck in "Rescuer" mode in most of my relationships. I never truly realised and opened up to this truth about myself before I married my husband. I can identify with a lot of the pain many people express on this Forum, and it also helps me greatly, but I do not want to act like an "imposter" and make anyone get the impression that I am a PTSD sufferer by any means. :shy:

Jeez. You're not an imposter, and it seems like you may even have CEN. I definitely hear what you're saying, though. I guess, I just wanted to say that I truly appreciate the people on this website who come here because they are supporters. I mean, how awesome is that? :joyful: You want to help someone in your life so much that you come here to learn more. That's terrific! Then you find you identify or just want to discuss things that have meaning for you. Well, that's great, too. Anyways... no worries @Everhopeful, I'm glad you're here and I like hearing what you have to say.

Also, I am totally a rescuer, big time! I end up being a doormat to all my friends. They call on me whenever they need something, because they know I'll drop everything and help them, do whatever it takes. Unfortunately, the reverse isn't true. I don't blame them... I know I need to work on my boundaries and expectations. I need to expect people to be nice to me, too, and let them do things for me, too. As for being a rescuer, now I'm just trying to stop rescuing everyone else and turn that care and concern on myself. Yeah, it's totally impossible so far, but I'm determined to make it happen. ;)

Oh, and I so relate to the relationship stuff. I was involved with THE WORST narcissist in the history of narcissists, then went on to be married to a guy who's passive-aggressive and we're in some sort of co-dependent relationship. "Damaged goods" certainly covers it! ;)

D123

 

[Bluerose]

2. Emotional awareness and knowledge:

When you grow up with your emotions pushed away, you have little opportunity to learn how to tolerate, recognize, cope with, interpret, manage and express your emotions.

So CEN folks tend to struggle with all of these things. In addition, I have seen that they often actually feel the absence of the feelings they've pushed away. Since emotion is the glue that binds us to others and the spice of life, CEN folks often express feelings of emptiness, disconnection, meaninglessness and aloneness.


I think there's a lot of truth in that. In fact, I think I would even go as far as to say the above may have caused my DID.

 

[Eleanor]

I have started reading the book on Childhood Emotional Neglect, and OMG. I recognize a lot in here. And it fills in some gaps about parenting. Parents who talk to their kids about emotions. Who knew? I worry about this stuff with respect to parenting my 7 year old. The book gives some nice guidelines. I worry about not knowing what I don't know. :banghead:

I haven't gotten to the "healing" part - but browsing it the key seems to be actually feeling your feelings. Huh.:sour: Right. Like THAT's going to work.:depressed::depressed:

As for being a rescuer, now I'm just trying to stop rescuing everyone else and turn that care and concern on myself. Yeah, it's totally impossible so far, but I'm determined to make it happen.

Linking Arms D123!

 

[Abstract]

Sorry it is hard Eleanor. Glad you are learning so much and finding clarity.

I don't know if you would be interested but they do lovely story books helping children to identify and name their emotions. I keep wanting to buy them for my nieces and nephews but it is a tricky one with the parents! :nailbiting:

Who knew?

Who indeed!

 

[macca]

@Eleanor could I ask what book you are reading? Thinking of checking out more info too.

 

[Pencil]

My therapist insists that I was traumatized in childhood by not being comforted after witnessing scary events. I have been hesitant to agree with her. I can think of some scary things but do not feel like it caused ptsd,

I have to admit I haven't read the whole thread with the attention it deserves, yet I'm jumping in and laying my egg: Eleanor, I think CEN is not only a supporter issue. I've been adamant that my PTSD is mainly the result of not having had access to anyone - it was being so totally alone that caused more damage than the beatings, ice bath afterwards, trips to the orphanage, blah blah etc. While all this was going on, I not only did not have anyone to comfort/console or whatever, I never learned to relate on a close or intimate level. Which is of course part of attachment difficulties. And this is why the therapist has been in email contact with me for nearly a year now, as a form of 'pre-therapy' as she calls it, as real therapy is too much for me. I think people with PTSD can't get in touch with their emotions as those emotions are way too threatening, and having another person around often makes it ten times worse. Abstract, I'm also joining the choir - this is also what we all know :D.

 

[Eleanor]

@macca The book is called "Running On Empty" by Jonice Webb.

 

[Eleanor]

@Abstract I have one book ... can't recall the title but here is a page:

Hurrah hurrah I shout to the crowd, getting dressed by myself makes me feel PROUD!

Other titles? I'd love to get them!

 

[Abstract]

:hug: Pencil.

Eleanor, here are a couple of the books. Dead Link Removed (one of a range) and this also looks a little interesting http://www.amazon.co.uk/Saddest-King-Christopher-Wormell/dp/009948384X The UK amazon lets you have a peek inside. Your daughter is a little old for them but it may still be worthwhile as they are mainly aimed as an opening to discussing their emotions. They have a guide on how to proceed. You can see how it would not be possible to give it as a gift to the nephews and nieces! It is actively therapeutic. I have no doubt you are very emotionally available to her which is extra impressive when you have been deprived of that growing up. :)

 

[Valentino]

Dr. Dan Siegel just released a book titled Brainstorm which targets teenagers between age 12 and 24, youtube has a lot of his talks describing the content in the book. He's also written other books for parents like "Parenting from the inside out" and "The Whole-Brain Child".

He is really good at combining modern neuroscience and psychological research and explaining it into very practical ways.