I am having a lot of trouble with my sister lately. I love her dearly but she doesn't understand why I take medication for my bipolar, she often says things like, this is why I loved my therapist for not labeling me with bipolar or anything because I didn't want a label and I didn't want to have to take any medication. She does something else that is legal but not in every state, that she calls medicinal even though it isn't a prescription. Anyway she says its fine that you don't mind being bipolar and that you don't mind taking prescription medicine but there is always a but, like but I don't know how you can handle all those drugs and its so unnatural but that's just me, haha.
The way she talks to me about things she disagrees with, it feels like to me that she just wants me to see that what she is doing is the best way to do all things, for some reason. But this isn't even the half of it.
Lately I have had to put so much space in between us because of how upset I get hanging out with her, I usually leave our hangouts very depressed, full of anxiety, and end up crying a lot later on. I end up in a depressive state and it is really hard with bipolar to get out of. I want to have a relationship with her but I don't know how. I hear from her things like, you never want to hang out anymore, and when you do, it is only for this hour on this date and she has to jump through hoops just to make that time work. And if it wasn't for her, we wouldn't even be friends. I moved away from her 2x in my life and she still resents me for leaving her and tells me about it from time to time.
More recently she talked to me about her boyfriend being suicidal and I know him, they have been dating for years, and she asked me if anyone other than herself would even care if he died, this really irritated me, as if to say I wouldn't care. I asked her if that is what she was implying and she said yes. I asked her not to ask me questions that beat around bushes, and to please tell me what you really want to know from the get go. But I don't think she even knows. She has communicated like this all her life.
Another thing is she seems to know what to say or do to get the result she is looking for. She has always been able to get things she wants just by saying something or doing something like crying.
We got into a fight recently and she said she doesn't even want to be friends with me anymore. She doesn't like me anymore. She said I read too much into the things she is saying and she just wants to be able to be herself with me. She is super defensive and can not be wrong. She can say she is sorry though but only when I threaten her with saying I need space and I think we should see a therapist, and I can't do this with you anymore. It takes a lot for me to get to where I feel a need to say those things.
She is super skinny and always wants me to walk with her and always talks about how being healthy is so important to her and walking 10 miles a day is the best thing for her. So when she says to me that I look like someone else that is 20 pounds heavier than me, I said to her, that isn't true, that person is bigger than me. She goes off on a rant about why she thinks we look the same and what's the big deal. Even saying you can't tell me that person looks any bigger or smaller than you, this person does look like you, this person does, you can't tell me any different. And then when I get mad at her and don't speak, she says hello, are you even listening to me, what's your problem, I was just stating the obvious, I don't know why you get so mad about it.
I feel emotionally and verbally abused at times. She has called me a stupid bitch at least 2x this year, she screams at me why don't you have empathy, you don't care about anyone but yourself, you always have to be right about everything, you think you are the shit, you do no wrong, your perfect, and I am always wrong, she will say those things to me when we are already fighting at the top of her lungs and then start crying why why why leave me alone, just leave me alone, you are such a bitch. And then she wonders why I try to get away from her as fast and far as I can.
When things calm down and get better again in life, like after we just keep busy, with out hanging out alone together, I give it a chance and hang out with her alone again, and this all happens all over again, even over 15 minute break from my work.
I know its not all just her fault and that I have a part in it. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. I am not afraid of her, I am safe, but I am afraid for myself to go into this space in my head where I am a victim all over again, and it is super hard for me to get out of and I never know if I might use and I am in recovery. This is the shit that makes me want to pick up. I have 11 months today clean and sober. I need help with my relationship with her, it seems unhealthy for me. I don't know how she can stand it either.
After we fight she says things to me like can you please just give me a break in life and not take everything so seriously and go off on me. Like its all me. Again. And if I go into it at all with her, it starts all over again. Its like easier for me to ignore her abuse if that is what it is called than to confront her. I always told people that she is really good at being a bitch, and she has said that too, because it is really hard to win with her. I guess I really just needed to get all that out. It has been a long time now and I haven't ever told anyone how I feel or how things are when we are alone.
The way she talks to me about things she disagrees with, it feels like to me that she just wants me to see that what she is doing is the best way to do all things, for some reason. But this isn't even the half of it.
Lately I have had to put so much space in between us because of how upset I get hanging out with her, I usually leave our hangouts very depressed, full of anxiety, and end up crying a lot later on. I end up in a depressive state and it is really hard with bipolar to get out of. I want to have a relationship with her but I don't know how. I hear from her things like, you never want to hang out anymore, and when you do, it is only for this hour on this date and she has to jump through hoops just to make that time work. And if it wasn't for her, we wouldn't even be friends. I moved away from her 2x in my life and she still resents me for leaving her and tells me about it from time to time.
More recently she talked to me about her boyfriend being suicidal and I know him, they have been dating for years, and she asked me if anyone other than herself would even care if he died, this really irritated me, as if to say I wouldn't care. I asked her if that is what she was implying and she said yes. I asked her not to ask me questions that beat around bushes, and to please tell me what you really want to know from the get go. But I don't think she even knows. She has communicated like this all her life.
Another thing is she seems to know what to say or do to get the result she is looking for. She has always been able to get things she wants just by saying something or doing something like crying.
We got into a fight recently and she said she doesn't even want to be friends with me anymore. She doesn't like me anymore. She said I read too much into the things she is saying and she just wants to be able to be herself with me. She is super defensive and can not be wrong. She can say she is sorry though but only when I threaten her with saying I need space and I think we should see a therapist, and I can't do this with you anymore. It takes a lot for me to get to where I feel a need to say those things.
She is super skinny and always wants me to walk with her and always talks about how being healthy is so important to her and walking 10 miles a day is the best thing for her. So when she says to me that I look like someone else that is 20 pounds heavier than me, I said to her, that isn't true, that person is bigger than me. She goes off on a rant about why she thinks we look the same and what's the big deal. Even saying you can't tell me that person looks any bigger or smaller than you, this person does look like you, this person does, you can't tell me any different. And then when I get mad at her and don't speak, she says hello, are you even listening to me, what's your problem, I was just stating the obvious, I don't know why you get so mad about it.
I feel emotionally and verbally abused at times. She has called me a stupid bitch at least 2x this year, she screams at me why don't you have empathy, you don't care about anyone but yourself, you always have to be right about everything, you think you are the shit, you do no wrong, your perfect, and I am always wrong, she will say those things to me when we are already fighting at the top of her lungs and then start crying why why why leave me alone, just leave me alone, you are such a bitch. And then she wonders why I try to get away from her as fast and far as I can.
When things calm down and get better again in life, like after we just keep busy, with out hanging out alone together, I give it a chance and hang out with her alone again, and this all happens all over again, even over 15 minute break from my work.
I know its not all just her fault and that I have a part in it. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. I am not afraid of her, I am safe, but I am afraid for myself to go into this space in my head where I am a victim all over again, and it is super hard for me to get out of and I never know if I might use and I am in recovery. This is the shit that makes me want to pick up. I have 11 months today clean and sober. I need help with my relationship with her, it seems unhealthy for me. I don't know how she can stand it either.
After we fight she says things to me like can you please just give me a break in life and not take everything so seriously and go off on me. Like its all me. Again. And if I go into it at all with her, it starts all over again. Its like easier for me to ignore her abuse if that is what it is called than to confront her. I always told people that she is really good at being a bitch, and she has said that too, because it is really hard to win with her. I guess I really just needed to get all that out. It has been a long time now and I haven't ever told anyone how I feel or how things are when we are alone.
